January 23, 2008
Reasons You Piss Me Off
Because you run your mouth when you should just learn to shut up. No really, just close your mouth and enjoy the breath of fresh air that is sound of you not blathering on about something you know nothing about.
Because you blatantly plagiarized my Big Idea website, mimicking the layout and lifting entire paragraphs for your own use. And this after just two weeks ago paying for my advice on how to get started in your business! [Note: did I ever recommend stealing from me? I thought not…] Now that I've threatened you with legal action, I hope you will learn to think twice before you rip someone off.
Because for a twenty pound cat it seems obvious to me that you shouldn't throw up EVERY SINGLE DAY. I mean, really, how are you able to keep your weight up when it seems like everywhere I turn is the evidence of your bulimia?
Because you expect me to be at your beck and call at all hours of the day. Do you understand that we are on opposite sides of the continent? Do you understand that wanting to wrap up at the end of the day with a quick conference call means me sitting at my desk at 10 p.m.? Do you get how disrespectful it is to blow off meetings at the last minute when I have rearranged my schedule to suit you?
Phew…that makes me feel better. Now back to our normal chirpy, syrupy-sweet musings…
December 03, 2007
In Sickness and Health
I am back from beyond the Arctic Circle, and instead of feeling accomplished and adventurous (did I mention I saw loads and loads of caribou?) I am in the throes of my very of Arctic souvenir--a terrible head cold.
Up until this point, one of the best things about the Big Idea was that most of my work was done from the comfort of my own home. And since my own home contains only my own germs, I rarely get sick. Well, apparently the guy to my left, hacking and sneezing without covering his mouth for the entire six hour flight back from our winter wonderland, did not get the "I don't like your germs" memo. And now I'm having fun experimenting with Dayquil and Nyquil. How many combinations can we make in a 24 hour period? I'll keep you updated.
It's especially irritating to be sick this week, since I should be basking in the glow of my new world-famous profile. You see, dear reader, while I was gone last week, a major newspaper did a story on The Big Idea. It ran on Monday and it wasn't until Thursday that I was able to get back into cell phone range and glory in the effects of notoriety. While the details of it must remain under wraps to protect and segregate my orgy-ridden personal life (it was just once, okay?) with The Big Idea, I assure you that the latest developments are VERY exciting.
That said, how frustrating is it to tape a television segment with a head cold? I'm glad you asked! Aside from the fear of acting like a Dayquil-affected idiot, and trying not to sneeze every three seconds, it's not too bad. I'll wait for the B-roll to determine whether my nose looks absurdly raw to make my final decision.
So, dear reader, I am now officially bumping Comcast down to #2 on the Things I Hate list. It now reads:
Things I Hate
1. Being sick
2. Comcast
3. Air travel delays and cancellations
4. Stepping in pee
Update your records accordingly.
Posted by madchen at 09:39 PM | Comments (3)November 01, 2007
You Can't Be Serious
Can anyone guess where I am? Go ahead, take a wild stab in the dark. No really. DO IT.
If you guessed "sitting at Gate C12 at Dulles because your flight to San Diego was returned to the gate for a replacement oil filter, causing a 90 minute delay that screwed up your connection in Denver, thus causing you to rebook on a flight via San Francisco that will arrive a full four hours later than planned" you are right!
I could not be less pleased. If you were to see me right now, you would marvel at my seemingly peaceful demeanor. And why not, since I'm about ready to collapse from exhaustion having left from my house at 4 a.m. to make my supposed 6 a.m. flight.
But you would be wrong. So wrong. Under this veneer of calm bubbles a seething cauldron of rage, kept in check only via a solid internet connection, a Starbucks latte, and a suspicion that throwing a fit (however deservedly) might get me removed from the airport permanently. And I will make it to San Diego, mark my words.
All I can say is that my bag better be waiting for me when I arrive. Although really, with my luck, I'm basically preparing myself to replace everything from the airport gift shop. Because nothing says "I'm a classy professional" like an "Witness Protection Program: You Don't Know Me" sweatshirt.
Posted by madchen at 07:34 AM | Comments (1)September 24, 2007
Stand Back Ma'am
In another episode of "if it's not Comcast, it's some other thing fucking me over", I was effectively barred from my new place yesterday when the lock broke. With me outside. In the hallway. With my arms full of boxes.
Truth be told, this day had been coming, as I had noticed that the door handle required a little more "jiggling" than usual over the last week or so. But yesterday morning it just stopped working altogether. Five hours and $300 later, I have a new doorknob and yet another set of keys.
It ruined my big plans, which included finally catching up on my Big Idea work (including projects for my very dear Ms. ADA who has been waiting so very patiently for my results), wrapping up two client projects, and even mopping the floor with my new Swiffer.
But it was not to be. Instead it put me in a horrifically grumpy mood, which was not helped by the fact that my shoulder still hurts like hell from the tetanus shot last week and I can't bend my bitten index finger more than 15 degrees before it just stops moving.
Bah. Even now I'm feeling bitter and petulant.
February 15, 2007
Stupid Netflix
I have a somewhat co-dependent, passive-agressive relationship with Netflix. On the one hand, I am exposed to all sorts of interesting movies that I will never see in the theatre (or that came out years ago). On the other hand, on an absurdly frequent basis I am sent damaged DVDs. And all too often, it is only when I am halfway through the film--totally engrossed in the story line--when that dreaded skipping and stalling problem occurs.
Take tonight for example. I was 110 minutes into Bus 174:
This moving documentary depicts a fateful day in June 2000 when a Rio de Janeiro bus carrying 12 passengers was hijacked by a man named Sandro do Nascimento. Cameras rolled as he touted his plans to kill all aboard but was finally persuaded to give himself up. A cop nonetheless opened fire on Nascimento, killing a passenger instead and causing the city's streets to erupt in riots. Details of Nascimento's very troubled childhood are also featured.
Ok, so even though I knew how it was going to end, I was still on the edge of my seat. I'd made it through the initial hostage situation, the poorly trained and under-armed police force, a look at Rio's juvenile detention facilities, and interviews with street kids, drug dealers, and social workers. I was JUST getting to the part when 6 p.m. is approaching, the hour in which Sandro has proclaimed he will shoot one of the hostages in the face.
And then...
The movie stopped, and refused to start again. I tried fast forwarding through the glitch, and then stopped the DVD, cleaned it, and tried again. No dice.
But wait! Suddenly the movie started again, and I settles back into the couch to see the climax of the movie. But...what's this? Why is the bus driving away? Why is the camera panning across a funeral procession?
Ahh. Apparently the DVD skipped to minute 156, completely leaving out the part where...well, I'm not exactly sure WHAT happens because, of course, I can't see it. I assume that the Netflix summary is correct, but then the woman at the end of the film says something about forgiving Sandro for shooting the woman. So maybe the cop didn't shoot her by accident after all. The world (and by that, I mean *I*) will never know.
Damn you, Netflix. Damn you!
Posted by madchen at 12:56 AM | Comments (2)February 01, 2007
I Shake My Fist At You
Dear Office Q. Biggs (Department #15, Officer # 00362),
Remember me?
No? I was the little Miata parked on 18th street yesterday. Still a little fuzzy? Let me clear it up for you.
It was my car you stopped at yesterday, precisely at 4:31 p.m. You carefully took the time to write down my vehicle make and model, the license plate, and even the number of doors on my petite automobile.
Ah yes, now I see you do remember. So let me ask you:
When you were printing out that tidy little ticket for $25--the one with the violation marked "P280 Exp. of Mult. Meter Rcpt", did you happen to stop for a minute and reflect on the fact that you are a complete jackass?
I mean that in the most professional, respectful manner, Officer. I really do.
My point is this: I had clearly pointed out in a neat little note sitting next to my TWO IDENTICAL parking stubs that the machine had made an error and split the meter time. So even though I parked at 1:55 p.m. and put in 4 quarters (giving me one stub that allowed me to park until 3:55 p.m.), I ended up having to do it again (this time with $0.85, which--when added to my original stub, would clearly allow me to park until 5:37 p.m.).
That's right, I had a FULL HOUR OF PARKING ALLOWANCE LEFT.
I'm sorry that you are too stupid to do the simple math, or too jaded to see the two parking stubs with their neatly printed explanation and believe that this wasn't some complex scam to screw you out of the pleasure of writing me a ticket. Maybe next time you can double park and block me in, forcing me to wait while you spend 20 minutes buying a Slurpee and perusing the celebrity gossip rags.
Yours truly,
Ms. Write Again Soon
PS - Oh, and you should change the toner on your ticket printer. It appears to be running low.
Posted by madchen at 11:11 PM | Comments (0)January 05, 2007
Why I Hated Today
Today has just been a shitty day. The weather was bad, Mr. Pilot STILL hasn't called me back (the passive-aggressive-bastard-but-maybe-its-me saga continues), I can't seem to get the most menial tasks completed (there are just so MANY of them), and I didn't get a chance to take a shower until just a few minutes ago. Pee-yew, as Ms. Janie would say.
But I didn't really understand my very visceral reaction to the day itself until I came across this little factoid:
Today is National Bird Day.
Enough said. Thank god it's just a day and not Bird Appreciation Month.
Posted by madchen at 06:03 PM | Comments (0)July 07, 2006
Hater
This is the summer of my discontent.
Lots of time to read frivilous fiction, special attention for make-up and accessories, an hour in Whole Foods admiring the exotic produce, a new pair of pajamas--all my usual perk-me-up tricks have failed me. Spending time with my friends has me on the verge of tears, time with my family makes me want to scream, time alone leaves me restless and anxious. I'm angry and weepy and miserable. In short, I'm hating life.
Fortunately, I am also a very high-functioning hater.
So even though I want to kill my Big Idea collaborators and nothing would please me more than cancelling all my appointments for the next two weeks, I am somehow plodding on. I arrive smiling at happy hours and shill my wares. I answer the phone cheerfully and act interested in what people have to say. I cook a 3-dish vegan meal and listen to the same stories told three times and tolerate a shrieking 5-year old who does a great impersonation of Helen Keller at the dinner table. I clean up cat vomit and put away laundry and do yoga, and then lay awake at night for hours, planning my escape.
Ah yes, it is a joy to be me.
(Yes, dear reader, I recognize the symptoms. Now go away and leave me alone with my ennui. And yes, I recognize that symptom too.)
Posted by madchen at 12:17 AM | Comments (4)June 29, 2006
The Perfect End to a Perfect Day
Dear Reader, I've had a very stressful day. First, I got a $35 parking ticket during my morning meeting...and I know for a fact that the parking gestapo must have been standing there waiting for the meter to expire because I arrived back at the car only 5 minutes late and they were nowhere to be seen. Bastards. That was one expensive cup of coffee.
Then, I got back to my office and immediately started juggling a handful of urgent Big Idea projects. First was the conference call with Ms. Connecticut to strategize about our meeting with a Big Big Company tomorrow...and to try and determine why our project isn't flourishing quite the way we had hoped. Not pleasant. Second was the call from Mr. Professor who needed to check in before our meeting tomorrow to go over why we hadn't yet send out the Big Idea email about an event to which people are supposed to be responding by Friday. Also not pleasant. Third was the flurry of calls with Mr. Glint (when he laughs, it seems like there should be a glint in his teeth) to come up with a close-to-final draft for a Big Big BIG Proposal that we planned on having completed last Friday...then Monday...then Tuesday morning...then Wednesday evening...and now tomorrow morning before 9 a.m. Of course, it's due to the Big Big Intergovernmental Agency on Friday at 5 p.m. No pressure there! Fourth was the task of sending out 17 individualized emails, asking people to sign on to said Big Big BIG Proposal--with only 24 hours to consider it and not enough background information. Sigh.
From there I took a quick breather and went to book club, where we ended up running LATE, and where I nearly killed one of the attendees (my already shortened temper made me a little irritable and it took all my good graces to remain my charming self). A quick carpool back to the house let to a new round of phone calls and Skype conferences with Mr. Glint, from whence I hurriedly contacted--COUNT THEM--four new people to pitch the Big Big BIG Proposal to ask if they would consider coming on as consultants.
At 1:30 a.m. (but only 1 p.m. in Malaysia--the other end of my latest conference call) I decided that my coffee with Ms. ADA scheduled for tomorrow morning was not going to happen. For one thing, I still had at least an hour's worth of work left to do--and I have a full day out of the office tomorrow, complete with five seperate meetings with five seperate groups. I don't expect to be back in the office until at least 7 p.m., at which time I will need to devote at least 5 hours to reviewing the long-awaited draft of the Big Big BIG Proposal, following up with the potential 4 outside consultants, confirming the three meetings I have set up for Friday, and responding to the approximately 75 Big Idea emails I get every day.
And what happened just as I was typing the email to Ms. ADA, begging her to forgive me for the late notice cancellation? The cat started throwing up. And not just once. She threw up seven times, all within a few steps of each other. She looked truly pathetic, her little body heaving and a horrific wretching noise issuing from her tiny mouth.
But frankly, it took all of my restraint not to drop-kick her down the stairs.
Posted by madchen at 01:35 AM | Comments (0)April 19, 2006
Things I Hate: Stepping In Pee
This past weekend the whole family was here at the house. With both parents, two daughters, and one small, spoiled child on the top floor, it was inevitable that something like this would happen.
Sometime during the middle of the night, I stumbled to the bathroom. In the hallway I thought my pinky toe felt a little wet--but I didn't think much of it. Stepping into the bathroom, my foot hit a definite puddle. A yellow puddle. Irritated, but with a bladder issue myself, I stepped onto the bathmat, next to a tiny pair of pajama bottoms--abandoned on the floor. These pajamas were sopping wet, and I reflectively hopped to the side, landing square on a pair of white-turned-yellow socks.
Still half asleep, I completed my task in the bathroom and stumbled back to bed--dealing with the puddles the next morning. Later that day, I found Janie and Jess sitting in the sunroom, happily watching the television. Our converation went like this:
Me: (Rhetorically) Whose pair of pee-soaked pajama bottoms did I find in my bathroom?
Janie: (Innocently) Were they yours?
Me: No. Who do you think they belonged to?
Janie: (Still innocently) Who do you think? Me?
Me: (Sarcastically) I don't know. What do you think?
Janie: (Looking directly at me) Were they little?
Jessica: Janie, did you pee on Aunt Jen's bathroom floor?
Janie: (Looking away) I don't remember.
Posted by madchen at 11:27 PM | Comments (1)April 01, 2006
Things I Hate: When I Get On An Airplane...
...and find myself in the window seat, jammed next to you, a guy who can't seem to stay within the proper seat boundaries. Although you are tall, you are certainly not a giant--nor are you overweight. So there is NO reason to spread your legs so that your knee is firmly planted diagonally in the seat in front of me, effectively cutting off any movement of MY legs at all. And there is NO reason to stick your elbow into my ribs for the ENTIRE flight, even after I've conspicuously shifted my body around so that there is no way for you to ignore the sizable mass suddenly attached to that joint.
Monopolize the arm rest.
Fine.
But for the love of all that is holy, STOP jiggling your leg with such force that it reverberates through the knee-to-shoulder body contact we have failed to avoid, because it's JARRING MY TEETH.
And forgive me if I accidentally slam my foot down on your toes when we land. You see, I thought it was safe to place my feet there, seeing as it was well within my 32" of leg room.
Posted by madchen at 02:06 AM | Comments (0)January 07, 2006
Ways I Could Have Spent the Last Hour
I just spent the last 72 minutes installing a printer. Does that seem reasonable? It's not like I got a new printer, scurried around to find the box cutter, unwrapped the precious piece of technology, fiddled around with all the cords, and installed the software.
Oh no.
That 72 minutes was soley devoted to installing the software. Granted, I didn't have the CD (it was missing from every reasonable place to look) and had to resort to the Dell website, but still. Locating and downloading the appropriate driver to my computer took about 7 minutes. The remaining (quick math, please) 65 minutes was all unzipping the files and executing the relevant executable file.
I kept thinking it would be over in a second, so I just sat there, staring off into space. I briefly considered going to bed and just leaving the computer to fend for itself, but then I remembered it wasn't plugged in and in all probability would run out of batteries, crash into darkness, and lose my important documents (which I thoughtfully failed to save before embarking on this bitter, bitter journey) if left unattended.
So I waited.
And waited.
And waited some more.
Lo and behold, an hour later the printer was up and running, and even printed my 1 page document. Oh precious, precious document, do you know what I went through to have you in physical form tonight? Dell All-In-One 924, I shake my fist at you!
Now I'm off to bed, but not before recounting a list of *better* ways I could have spent the last hour:
-- flying from D.C. to New York City
-- watching half of Finding Neverland, which has been sitting on the shelf for two weeks
-- blogging about the joys of Virginia Tech having finally kicked Marcus Vick to the curb
-- getting some sleep so I'm not dozing during tomorrow's showing of Fat Pig
-- sending email to Mr. Bad Apologies, reminding him that he has a blog and should use it occasionally
December 27, 2005
Clothing Blunders
On my way to the movies this morning (an 11 a.m. showing of Chicken Little with Jess and Janie), I reached for my new-ish cream sweater. As I unfolded it and prepared to put it on, I noticed that the "size L" sticker was still stuck to the front.
Now, I've worn this sweater twice before, which either means that a) people noticed the "size L" stuck on my left breast and didn't say anything, which would be humiliating, or b) that no one looks at my chest anymore, which is sad in another way.
Posted by madchen at 10:29 AM | Comments (1)November 08, 2005
Shamed
Is there anything more embarassing that having your credit card denied? If there is, I haven't found it. (Well, okay that VERY humiliating experience at the grocery store when I didn't have my wallet might rank up there at the top.)
Over the past several weeks, my credit card has been declined several times. The most frustrating part is that I can never tell when it's going to happen.
Trying to buy a $35 iTrip at the Apple Store? NO, MA'AM. But walk down the street and buy $112 of books at Barnes and Noble? Sure thing. Want to buy some shampoo and lipstick for $14 at CVS? DENIED. But go ahead and blow $86 on a pair of theatre tickets, you deserve it!
And trying to explain to the cashier that "this is so strange, I can't figure out what's wrong" only elicits polite--if knowing--smiles and requests for another card.
Posted by madchen at 05:03 PM | Comments (2)June 24, 2005
Giving the Cat a Bath
I don't know what I was thinking. Having only been home for three days, and wasting perhaps my only "honeymoon period", I have completed a spate of errands.
I renewed my driver's licence, took my car in for an emission test (I passed, and even wheedled my way out of the $270 late fee), and picked up Joana from the airport (Janie shrieked "Joana, Joana, Joana" all the way there, then refused to utter a peep once Joana actually arrived). I also managed to catch up on all my email, clean Janie's room, and unpack a drawer's worth of clothes (the rest are jam-packed with Janie's/Jess's/Mom's/Dad's stuff--the nerve of them).
But none of that compared with this morning's feat of bravery: giving Madchen a bath.
In just under an hour, I hauled this 18-pound heap of fur into the shower, shampooed her twice, rinsed her 3 times (I had to haul her back into the shower after I realized that her neck was still soapy), brushed out at least 2 pounds of fur, and blow-dried her. All of course, while Janie was cooing "don't worry, Madchen" and "it's okay, Madchen" and "Aunt Jen, why is Madchen crying?" every two seconds--which did not go far in calming down a near-hysterical cat who is already wary of the 4 year old.
I finally gave up with Madchen mostly dry. She and Janie escaped out of the bathroom and I have tried to avoid them ever since.
Luckily I only attempt this insane task once a year.
Posted by madchen at 11:12 AM | Comments (0)May 23, 2005
Things I Hate About My Thesis
While there are probably many things I hate about my thesis, I am tired and so will just cover the main ones:
1. Formatting. I don't know why every school has to do it a little differently but it SUCKS. I spent about 3 hours trying to get it all into a single document with the right margins (in metric, when my computer only has English standard), the right references (stupid footnotes vs. endnotes--particularly when the endnotes have to be manually entered in brackets at the end--so incredibly rediculous), the right spacing (20 pt. line after each Heading 1, 16 pt. line after each Heading 2, two 12 pt. lines between each Heading 2 and Heading 3, etc.), and the right captions for the tables and figures (chapter.number: description). If I ever wanted to write a stream of obscenties for the world to see, this would be the time.
2. E-meetings where the other person doesn't show up. I usually love e-meetings, as it allows me to sit in my pajamas and conduct business over Skype. It is difficult, however, to maintain my composure when my partner doesn't show up at the appointed 7 p.m. meeting. At 9 p.m. when he finally calls, he merely says (and I quote): "i was downtown this eve and stopped by the gym on the way home, big work out and suana, i really need it sorry." Grr. Doesn't he know that I hate when people are late?!?
3. Formatting. I know I mentioned this one before, but it is horrid enough to bear repeating. Moreover, the "model" document they provided us keeps crashing my computer. Perhpas it should tell us something when the model is a mess.
Posted by madchen at 01:58 AM | Comments (2)May 22, 2005
Pet Peeves
Things I Hate:
1. When people are late. I cannot think of a more accepted way to show people that their time is less valuable than yours. It's incredibly disrespectful, and yet people just shrug it off like "oops, I'm sorry I've wasted 20 minutes of your time that you can NEVER GET BACK."
2. When people try to hurry me up when I still have 5 minutes left. While I hate people who are late, I'll be damned if I'm going to get all flustered so that we can walk out the door two minutes early. If you say "we have to leave at 9 a.m." then, jeez, don't be hassling me at 8:55 a.m. Just so you know, I carefully plan my morning to take advantage of every single minute. At 9:01 a.m., the bitching may commence, but until then, GET OFF MY BACK. (Dad, this one is specifically for you...)
3. People who throw their cigarette butts on the ground. I must have missed the memo which said "hey, it's wrong to litter, and we'll charge your $500 every time we catch you, but your nasty little cancer sticks really liven up the front lawn!" I'm particularly irritated (to put it mildly) when people throw their butts out the car window. I want to walk up and throw it back in the window--except I'm afraid they will have a gun in their car and shoot me. Or sue me. Still, it would almost be worth it.
4. When I run out of batteries/diet coke/tape/peanut butter after 6 p.m. and all the stores are closed. It's like living in a developing country. What does a girl have to do to get a diet coke around here? (Apparently, planning ahead for those midnight caffeine cravings helps.)
Posted by madchen at 01:38 AM | Comments (1)April 07, 2005
Bitter
Why do people whose SOLE JOB IT IS TO BE HELPFUL always turn out to be grouchy, monosyllabic bastards?
Ok, that is not entirely truhful. In general, I find most people to be quite delightful. That makes it all the more annoying when a single person appears to be purposefully irritating.
Grr. This calls for some serious karaoke.
Posted by madchen at 03:30 PM | Comments (1)
