Write Again Soon

February 19, 2008

An Open Letter To Everyone Associated with the Movie "Shoot 'Em Up"

Dear "Everyone Associated with the Movie Shoot 'Em Up",

Good god. I mean REALLY: good god. You should be ashamed of yourself. From the director Michael Davis all the way down to the craft services person (silently thanking her anonymity), each and every one of you should immediately renounce your careers in Hollywood and move to Malta. If they will have you.

Mr Paul Giamatti, times must be hard since you finished Sideways. To be frank, I hated that much-acclaimed movie, but I would rather watch it every day than be forced to sit through another screening of Shoot 'Em Up. It was painful, PAINFUL to watch you pretend to talk to your wife on the cell phone--especially that part where you fondle the dead hooker at the same time. AGONIZINGLY PAINFUL. So you can see how I'm not particularly surprised to see that your next Hollywood role will be for Bubba Nosferatu and the Curse of the She-Vampires. Classy as always.

And you, Mr. Clive Owen. I once lusted after your dreamy eyes, your charming accent, your ability to save humanity by shepherding the only pregnant woman in the world safely to the boat people...but no more. From now on, when I close my eyes and think of you it will be skydiving out of a plane while using an Uzi to separate your fellow parachutists' limbs from their body. It will be you taking up with a lactating hooker. It will be you laying a crying newborn on the ground of a filthy men's bathroom so that you more easily slide under five stalls in one svelte movement. And in all of these scenes, you will--for no reason that is ever explained--be chomping on a gigantic carrot.

Ms. Monica Bellucci, what do you have to say for yourself? A lactating hooker who falls in love with a carrot-chomping man? What terrible monstrosity has befallen Italian films that you felt compelled to cozy up to this piece of forù? Did you feel all traces of cultural dignity leaching away during the scenes where you do little but shrill in Italian for comical effect? Your hotness in The Matrix has just greatly decreased.

But most of all, I blame myself. When I upgraded to first class on my flight back from Los Angeles, and I had the choice of such movies as The Brave One with the lovely Jodie Foster, I balked--looking for something over the top and amusing. May I never shun vigilante violence by a stunning 40-something woman again. Hell, even seeing Superbad would have been a better option than Shoot 'Em Up.

I've learned my lesson...and learned it well. So I ask you, "Everyone Associated with the Movie Shoot 'Em Up", have you learned yours?