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November 25, 2007
Don't Fly Hungover
i'm typing to you, dear reader, from the Marriott in Anchorage, Alaska. I'm happy to report that--so far at least--there are no vampires on the hunt. And it's not even that cold--although I did almost take a tumble after slipping on some sidewalk ice.
But what I really want to talk about is why it is a stupid idea to imbibe several large glassfuls of vodka and orange juice on the night before a long flight. And because there are several reasons to enumerate, let me provide a list.
1. Because you will be unable to credibly defend yourself when someone says "you acted like an idiot last night". Even when you are sure that you only acted a little silly (but in a totally acceptable way), it's difficult to get the moral high ground.
2. Because you will fail to pack for your Arctic trip in a timely fashion, and will end up dragging yourself out of bed at 6 a.m. with only 45 minutes to find your long underwear, fleece sweaters, shell pants, etc., get them squished into a manageable size, locate toiletries (in case the barren Alaskan wilderness doesn't come with pint-sized shampoos), brush and comb your hair, collect your clothes from the floor and put them on in the dark. Because you don't want to turn on the light and disturb the sleeping boy still in bed. Although after commenting on your drunken state the night before, you may feel a strong compulsion to shine the light directly in his eyes and ask how HE'S feeling.
3. Because after rushing about, you will only at the last minute remember that you are supposed to bring a camera. And five minutes of scrambling around will result on precisely ZERO cameras being located. And you will end up in Alaska without any way to record vampire-sightings.
4. Because you will feel violently ill on the car ride to the airport, and may be so distracted by your churning stomach that you park in the lot at the wrong terminal, thus requiring you to take a shuttle bus that is so bizarrely hot and humid that it will take all of your willpower not to take rolling dive from the door simply to get a breath of fresh air.
5. Because after thinking that you've gotten past the worst of your horrible hangover and have managed to sleep for most of the flight from DC to Minneapolis, you will find yourself in the middle seat of the second-to-last row in a gigantic plane. You will be surrounded by college-aged hockey players who are also obviously suffering from hangovers (albeit in a bounce-back-I'm-19 sort of way), who will talk about girls and drinking and hockey for the next 6 hours.
6. Because when the pilot says "we are expecting some moderate turbulence on our approach into Anchorage", he is not fucking around. Dear reader, I assure you that there is nothing worse than being bounced around in the middle seat in the back of an airplane while the rustling of air bags is followed by a symphony of hockey-boy retching from all directions, including the seat three inches to your right.
7. Because once you finally touch down, it will still be thirty minutes until it's your turn to deplane. And during that thirty minutes, there will be no air circulation in the back of the plane, then hockey boys will have stopped vomiting long enough to find the whole thing hilarious (if in a slightly self-conscious way), and the odor will waft uncontrollably throughout the economy section.
In short, think twice before partaking in any pre-trip frivolities. No good can come of it.
Personally, I'm taking this advice to heart and sticking with diet coke tonight, since I have another two teensy planes to take tomorrow to get to my final destination. Once there, I hope to report back on adventures to include snowmobiling, dog sledding, Native American crafts, and a thorough lack of hungover hockey boys.
Comments
What did you think of 30 Days of Night, I thought it was kind of "eh." Although Josh Hartnett is pretty dreamy.
Posted by: jason at November 30, 2007 08:42 AM
Congrats for not also retching!
Posted by: mr. bad apologies at December 10, 2007 08:19 PM
