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August 21, 2007
Why I Don't Love You
(Also gathered via 15 years of failed relationships.)
Because you're a slob. Because you are too needy. Because the only book you read last year was the DaVinci Code. Because you wear pleated khaki pants that are three inches too short. Because you call me seven times a day just to check in. Because you aren't as smart as I am. Because I hate your "performance anxiety". Because you broke my heart once and it's too late to try again. Because you hit me. Because you apologized after hitting me, and then hit me again. Because I don't respect you. Because you are chronically in debt. Because you pay more attention to your video games than you do to me. Because I hate the way I can hear you breathe in the car. Because you are boring in bed. Because while you are fun to hang around with, I would never have your babies. Because you need constant reassurance about EVERYTHING. Because you insist on waking me up in the morning when all I want is to sleep in until 10. Because you forgot my birthday. Because you can't make a decision on your own. Because after dating for a year, you broke up with me over email and that is just a motherfucking rude thing to do. Because you don't make time in your schedule for me. Because you never let me pick the movie. Because you cling to me. Because you cry in front of me for totally non-cry-worthy reasons. Because you act like you are God's gift to mankind. Because you think "exotic travel" means going to Colorado for a week. Because you are naïvely patriotic. Because you purposefully argue with me over things you don't really care about. Because you question my loyalty. Because you don't like my family. Because my family doesn't like you. Because you are too old for me. Because when you speak I imagine banjos playing in the background. Because I’m pretty sure our kids would grow up emotionally stunted. Because when it comes down to it, you see our relationship as something that completes you, never mind what I need. Because you just aren't "the one".
Comments
Performance Anxiety? That's harsh!
Posted by: mr b a at August 28, 2007 04:47 PM
