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August 17, 2007

The eHarmony Experience

I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about a topic near and dear to my heart: online dating. I'm a long-time supporter of this method of meeting eligible young (and not-so-young) men, especially since my friends aren't the "let's go to a bar tonight" people and I can't exactly pick up people via the Big Idea.

There are, of course, problems with online dating, and I'd like to highlight one of them here: the problem of "closing" a match. One encounters this problem when matched with someone that isn't quite right, generally before one ever meets them in person.

Here is the way that eHarmony does it:

If you are sure that you want to permanently close communication with John, please select from the following list those messages which best reflect your feelings at this time. After you click the "Close" button below, we will notify John that this communication has been closed. This match will be moved to your Closed section.

"I have decided to close communication because..."
(choose as many as apply)

-- I think our family backgrounds are too different.
-- I have too much happening in my life at the moment.
-- I don't feel that the chemistry is there.
-- I don't think our Must Haves and Can't Stands fit.
-- I think the physical distance between us is too great.
-- I want to pursue other matches at eharmony.
-- I am pursuing another relationship.
-- I'm just not ready for the next step.
-- I am taking a break from dating.
-- I would rather not say.
-- This match never responded to my request to communicate.
-- I think the difference in age between us is too great.
-- I think the difference in our values is too great.
-- Based on statements in their profile, I'm not interested in this match.
-- Because there are no photos posted/I couldn't see any photos.
-- Because I was put on Hold.
-- Because we are communicating outside of eHarmony
-- Other

Now, having dabbled in online dating for several years, I can tell you that these reasons are all wrong. Please allow me to provide several examples:

I think our family backgrounds are too different.
What this really means is "I don't want to date a man with a 9-year old child" or "the fact that you've been divorced twice turns me off". I suppose on the other end there might also be "I'm emotionally abusive by nature and your stable family makes me think you won't put up with it". Also, "I only date Latina women and you are clearly white."

I have too much happening in my life at the moment.
Going with the very true hypothesis of "he's just not into you", a guy who is interested will find the time to woo a woman when he really likes her, even if that means leaving the operating room with a half-repaired aorta on the table. This "close reason" should be "You seem like a nice person, but I'm just not into you" and could be combined with any number of reasons above.

I would rather not say.
Um, this is online dating, and you have just been given seventeen perfectly plausible reasons to close the match. You can't simply say "I don't feel that the chemistry is there", "I want to pursue other matches at eharmony", or even "Other"? Even if the real reason is that you've decided to give your marriage one more try, there is no reason to make it sound like you're politely trying to insult your match.

So, as part of a public service to all bazillion of the people who have an eHarmony profile, here are my suggestions for the "close communication" reasons (keeping in mind that closing a match almost always happens before you meet the person):

-- Your profile indicates you have a gross inability to spell, and that basic rules of grammar are beyond your ken.
-- You bore me; please consider polishing your personality before you inflict it upon others.
-- I am not attracted to your physical appearance. I can't imagine having sex with you, and I think our children would look funny.
-- After talking with you a bit, I've discovered that you are rude/offensive/controlling/bitter—please seek help.
-- You seem like a nice person, but I'm just not that into you. It's a chemistry thing.
-- You never responded to me, or stopped responding somewhere along the line.
-- I'm pursuing another relationship.
-- I couldn't see any photos of you, which means you are either hideously ugly or too ashamed of online dating for us to have a future.
-- We are communicating outside of eHarmony.

See how much easier that would be?

Comments

Posted by: The Pilot at August 17, 2007 02:30 PM

Posted by: nycrouge at August 18, 2007 01:04 AM

Posted by: kevin at August 19, 2007 10:43 AM

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