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August 29, 2007
Because I Am a Glutton for Punishment
After reluctantly deciding that Comcast is the devil, but that I don't really have other options for internet at the New Place, I spent 20 minutes going through the Comcast website, choosing my egregiously overpriced high-speed internet option, filling out an application form, and waiting for a "live chat analyst" to confirm the dates for my installation. Picture it, dear reader.
user guest_ has entered room
analyst Joanna has entered room
Joanna(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:12:33 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Hello guest_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Joanna. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Joanna(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:12:37 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Hello, with whom do I have the pleasure of chatting with today?
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:13:11 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Hi, this is Jennifer
Joanna(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:13:24 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Hello Jennifer, how may I help you today?
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:13:58 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
I just placed an order for cable internet installation and I understand you can confirm the dates?
Joanna(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:13:49 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Thank you for choosing Comcast.
Joanna(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:14:11 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
The system I need to process your order is not working right now.
Joanna(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:14:34 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
I need you to chat back at a later time or go to your local office and place your order.
Joanna(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:14:42 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Do you need the address?
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:15:06 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Do you have an estimated time for when your system might be working again?
Joanna(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:15:40 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
It's possible that if you chat back in, you could reach a representative whose system is up and running.
Joanna(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:15:49 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Mine is not.
Joanna(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:15:58 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Sorry for the inconvenience.
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:16:29 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
So what happened to the application that I submitted? Is it still waiting to be processed, or has it disappeared into the ether?
Joanna(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:16:41 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
You will have to complete the order over.
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:17:05 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Oh my.
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:18:29 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Actually, I think I will probably just go with another internet provider...if I can find one. My experience with Comcast has been all about "broken systems", appointments where the technician doesn't show up, spotty internet service, etc. I was just hoping it might be different this time around--but that's a monopoly for you!
Joanna(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:18:44 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Thank you for using Comcast. Have a great day.
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:19:07 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Same to you.
Joanna(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:19:02 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Analyst has closed chat and left the room
So then I was left with a conundrum, since it turns out I don't really have a choice. A search of internet providers in my area show that I can go with Comcast for $60 a month and get 6 Mbps, or I can go with HughesNet for $90 a month and just get 1 Mbps. There are no DSL options, although I supposed I could go back to dial-up.
[Pause for gasp of shock that dial-up is still available.]
Telecommunications monopoly, I shake my fist at you! And Comcast, I am your bitch once again.
Enter "re-application process #1":
user guest_ has entered room
analyst Kaeleen has entered room
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:38:49 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Hello guest_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Kaeleen. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:38:56 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Hello Jennifer, how are you?
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:39:14 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
hi, i'm fine thanks
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:39:23 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
i just wanted to confirm my installation time
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:39:36 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
I will be able to give you the date and time of your installation once I have completed processing your order.
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:39:52 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
ok
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:39:47 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
I will be a few moments while I search for your address, feel free to ask me any questions you may have while I do so.
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:40:02 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
I do apologize, I am unable to find your address in our billing system. Can you confirm your address for me so I can double check our system?
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:40:24 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
i don't have any questions at the moment, thanks!
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:40:37 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
it will be a new service
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:40:46 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
at XXX XXXXX #XXXX
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:40:51 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
silver spring, MD XXXXX
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:41:21 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Thank you. I will just be a moment while I double check our database for that address.
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:43:18 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Thank you for confirming your address for me. I have been able to locate it in our billing system.
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:43:49 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
I understand you are interested in our high speed internet service. Is this correct?
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:44:25 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
yes
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:44:31 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
In order to set up your account, I am required to do a credit check. May I have your Social Security Number, please?
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:44:56 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
XXX-XX-XXXX
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:44:54 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Thank you.
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:45:39 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Thank you for allowing me to run a credit check. You are not required to make a deposit for the service you have ordered.
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:46:11 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
ok
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:46:28 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
It will take me a few minutes to enter this order for you. I will let you know if I have any questions.
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:46:49 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
ok
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:48:06 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Please make sure that someone 18+ who speaks English is available for the technician for the installation.
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:48:08 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
We do require a telephone number for our technicians to call before they arrive. They will call approximately fifteen minutes before they arrive, if their call is not answered the appointment may have to be rescheduled. May I have that phone number, please?
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:48:38 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
XXX-XXX-XXXX
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:48:36 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Thank you.
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:49:18 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
For the installation I have September 5 between 2 pm and 5 pm. Would this suit you, Jennifer?
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:49:53 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
yes, that is fine
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:49:50 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Perfect!
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:50:10 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
I have completed your order. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:50:22 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
can i ask you a question about the application process?
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:50:56 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
i filled out my name, address, preferred installation time, phone number, etc. all online--just before i was directed to you
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:51:26 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
i'm just curious to know if that information was passed along to you, and you had to re-ask it for confirmation purposes, or if that information somehow didn't get transferred to you?
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:52:23 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
The information was passed onto me, and I am required to confirm the order so that there are no mistakes made on the order. Also, sometimes customers will forget to add something to the order, or will change their mind.
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:52:44 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
ok, thanks
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:52:43 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
We also must be sure that the time for the installation will suit the customer.
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:52:49 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Is there anything else I can help you with today?
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:53:04 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
is there a reference # for this appointment?
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:53:39 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
i've had multiple comcast appointments in the past where the technician didn't show up, or showed up really late, etc. and I'd like to be able to reference this agreement for 9/2 if any problems come up
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:53:42 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Your account number is XXXXX-XXXXXX-XX. That would be the closest thing to a referance number I have available.
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:54:00 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
ok, thanks
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:54:15 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
i think that's it for me
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:54:15 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
The installation is set for September 5 between 2 pm and 5 pm. Just to confirm.
guest_(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:54:31 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Yes, thanks
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:54:33 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Thank you for choosing Comcast. We do appreciate your business. Please do not hesitate to chat with Comcast again at www.comcast.com. We are always available, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Have a wonderful night!
Kaeleen(Wed Aug 29 2007 22:54:37 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))>
Analyst has closed chat and left the room
Comcast, you win. I acknowledge your iron-fisted hold on the scrotum of my fair city. Squeeze away.
Posted by madchen at 10:19 PM | Comments (1)August 26, 2007
"I have been so unomtivate dto blog lately. I don't what it is, I htink I'm uninspired."
I couldn't agree more with Mr. Hipster Dork (from whence today's blog title comes). Between frantically trying to pack up for next weekend's move to the New Place, organizing for a quick business trip down to Raleigh (leaving tomorrow morning), and trying to get ahead of the Big Idea--I'm just swamped.
Of course, being so busy with an overwhelming number of small tasks (next in line: locate missing silverware) inevitably triggers a strange desire to sit down and write out long and meaningless stream-of-consciousness ramblings, which brings me to the present moment. Consider yourself lucky, dear reader, that I will restrain myself to a 3 Random Things list*.
1. My dad is sitting downstairs right now watching television. Without a shirt on. This is an unusual thing, since we are a pretty "no unnecessary nudity in common spaces" sort of family. And given that I'm moving in less than a week, you'd think we could keep that policy in place for the remaining "together" time. Wouldn't you?
2. I went on the absolute worst date of my life on Saturday--so bad that the guy in question shall not even be given a name. We had been emailing and talking on the phone for a while and I was almost 100% sure that he was a dud (see "you are too available, call me 8 times a day to check in, and think that vacationing in Colorado is exotic") but I thought I might as well give it a first date. MISTAKE! After the first 10 minutes I just stopped trying to even hold up my end of the conversation, and was treated to an excruciating discourse on the relative merits of Sleep Number Beds vs. TempurPedic Beds. No joke. I could not have escaped faster if the cafe had caught fire.
3. I am having a degree problem. That is, what am I supposed to do with my diplomas? To date, they've remained in their handy cardboard mailers (and in one case, got moved to my filing cabinet). I sort of envisioned that some day I would be in a position to flaunt them in my fabulous office, where young things would cower before the unavoidable glare of my impressive accomplishments. I, of course, would know that having three degrees didn't mean jack, but it would be a sort of ironic statement of my success that I had that much wall space to fill. Unfortunately, that day has not yet come and I'm still in a place where wall space is at a premium and if there are young things cowering in my office (which doubles as a living room), it's for different reasons altogether.
* This was originally going to be a "10 Random Things" list, but I ran out of steam halfway through #2. Not a good sign for my writing skills, but promising for my ability to pack another 5 boxes before I go to bed tonight.
Posted by madchen at 04:04 PM | Comments (1)August 21, 2007
Why I Don't Love You
(Also gathered via 15 years of failed relationships.)
Because you're a slob. Because you are too needy. Because the only book you read last year was the DaVinci Code. Because you wear pleated khaki pants that are three inches too short. Because you call me seven times a day just to check in. Because you aren't as smart as I am. Because I hate your "performance anxiety". Because you broke my heart once and it's too late to try again. Because you hit me. Because you apologized after hitting me, and then hit me again. Because I don't respect you. Because you are chronically in debt. Because you pay more attention to your video games than you do to me. Because I hate the way I can hear you breathe in the car. Because you are boring in bed. Because while you are fun to hang around with, I would never have your babies. Because you need constant reassurance about EVERYTHING. Because you insist on waking me up in the morning when all I want is to sleep in until 10. Because you forgot my birthday. Because you can't make a decision on your own. Because after dating for a year, you broke up with me over email and that is just a motherfucking rude thing to do. Because you don't make time in your schedule for me. Because you never let me pick the movie. Because you cling to me. Because you cry in front of me for totally non-cry-worthy reasons. Because you act like you are God's gift to mankind. Because you think "exotic travel" means going to Colorado for a week. Because you are naïvely patriotic. Because you purposefully argue with me over things you don't really care about. Because you question my loyalty. Because you don't like my family. Because my family doesn't like you. Because you are too old for me. Because when you speak I imagine banjos playing in the background. Because I’m pretty sure our kids would grow up emotionally stunted. Because when it comes down to it, you see our relationship as something that completes you, never mind what I need. Because you just aren't "the one".
August 20, 2007
Why You Don't Love Me
(Compiled from 15 years of failed relationships.)
Because I'm bossy. Because I make you feel bad about yourself. Because I don't always remember to wash the skillet after making an omelet. Because I don't listen well. Because I ask too many questions. Because I don't support your career goals. Because I'm impatient. Because I can't appreciate your off-color jokes. Because I complain that your bathroom is messy. Because I travel too much. Because I'm a bitch. Because I don't like your friends. Because I don't appreciate you. Because I always want you to get me a drink of water in the middle of the night. Because I complain about not having any money, and then go out and buy three new pairs of shoes. Because I’m selfish. Because I want you to spend more time with my friends. Because I'm a snob. Because I forget to be considerate. Because I let the cats sleep on the bed at night. Because you suspect that I don't really love you. Because I don't look up to you enough. Because I cry too often. Because I have mood swings. Because I'm not ambitious enough. Because I insist on talking when you just want some space. Because I'm easy. Because I am sarcastic. Because I hurt your feelings. Because I speak before I think. Because I'm never satisfied with the way things are. Because I'm not always kind and gentle. Because I'm not a supermodel. Because I laugh too loudly. Because I blog about you. Because I always want to be in control. Because I push your buttons. Because I am chronically five minutes late. Because I want you to spend time with my family. Because I hate having a television in the bedroom. Because I demand too much from you. Because I gossip. Because you never know what I’m thinking. Because I don't want to commit. Because I always want you to make the first move. Because I make you co-dependent. Because I don't stand up for myself. Because I don't consider your feelings. Because I'm just not "the one".
Posted by madchen at 08:06 PM | Comments (1)August 19, 2007
The Slippery Slope of Single-ness
Tonight, I went to my last military ball. Now that my dad has retired, there will no longer be fancy military-industry trade shows where I end up vomiting in the bathroom from too much vodka (swag from the Saab table) while he waits patiently outside. No more balls commemorating various important military dates where I get mistaken for my dad's second wife. No more all-expenses paid trip to see Nascar races…oh wait, that one never happened because my dad was too busy to prioritize that very important adventure.
So this is the last hurrah.
I was all set to go with Mr. HSBF, who happens to also be commemorating this particular Navy holiday. But then he was shipped off out-of-state to a week of training. And it looked like I was going to end up sitting alone at the table.
Then a secondary option was suggested. There is a similarly aged admiral's daughter that I have never met, but whom has been often suggested as a potential friend. Since her parents were supposed to attend the ball on Saturday, why not see if she would like to go too? Turns out that her parents weren't going to the ball, and she's out of town this week. So while we're still going to get together for coffee, I was once again single for the ball.
I had resigned myself to the single state, when a third option was presented to me. Well, not so much presented as announced as already arranged. Yes, dear readers, my date for the evening was none other than my dear, sweet, 6-year old niece.
Actually, she was the best date I've ever had to one of these things. She shared her cake during the long speeches, insisted that we swing dance to every single song (she even likes to lead!), and was suitably enthusiastic when we "won" the silent auction for a margarita party basket. It was even nice not to be the one complaining that my feet hurt at the end of the night.
It was, after all, a nice last hurrah.
August 18, 2007
Moving On Up
Well, it's finally happening. The papers are signed, the financing is approved, and in twelve days I'll be moving to my new place.* Seven days ago I had no idea this would be happening at all (having laid eyes on my new place only on Monday), so it's now a game of "hurry up and move".
Tonight I began the process of packing. Since moving back from Sweden two years ago, I haven't really collected many new things (relatively speaking), and a good deal of my previously owned stuff is still stored away in the attic and basement, along with a smattering of furniture still distributed among various friends—namely Ms. Wish to See and Ms. Secret Blog. Going from a 3 bedroom place to a 1 bedroom place is going to be a challenge, and I have a sneaking suspicion I may be donating several truckloads of things to the Salvation Army. If you want to stop by and claim anything you've had your eye on, speak now or forever hold your peace.
But to get back to my point, my room is basically all that needs to be packed. You would think that would be pretty easy. After all, my two dressers don't need to be re-packed, my winter clothes are already boxed up, and my filing cabinet is good to go. What you might be forgetting, however, is Lesson #1 in Packing:
Ms. Write Again Soon's book collection is ridiculous, and moving it should only be done by professionals and/or those with strong backs.
Will I ever re-read The Art of War, so carefully placed by The Art of Seduction and The Art of Traveling? In what reality but mine would The Communist Manifesto be shelved next to The Army Field Survival Guide and The Prince? Why on earth did I think it was reasonable to pick up Lonely Planet books on Spain, India, and Crete from the library sale, besides the obvious logic of adding them to the China, Africa, Sweden, Prague, and Budapest litany of guides?
Please keep in mind, dear reader, that the approximately 150 books I packed up tonight do not take into account the 15+ boxes of books still packed in the attic. The books in my room are ONLY those that I bought in the last 2 years since returning from Sweden. It is for this reason that I am definitely collecting back from friends the bookshelves that I "loaned" out. And by loaned, I mean "thrust upon cheerful friends who were gracious enough to find room for them".
The sad part is that I haven't even begun to tackle the Big Idea books, conference proceedings, supplies, letterhead, computer equipment, and random paperwork. I'm going to leave that until the absolute last possible minute, so that I can continue to work 12 hour days before tackling this lovely moving adventure. When this is all over, I'm going to need a vacation.
* This assumes, of course, that in the next 9 days my dad doesn't decide to take the proffered job in London, thus leaving their Falls Church townhouse without a tenant. In such a case, said townhouse will be rented to me for a ridiculously low price and I will forgo the lovely condo awaiting me in Silver Spring. Such a decision is unlikely, however, so I'm banking (literally) on buying the condo.
August 17, 2007
The eHarmony Experience
I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about a topic near and dear to my heart: online dating. I'm a long-time supporter of this method of meeting eligible young (and not-so-young) men, especially since my friends aren't the "let's go to a bar tonight" people and I can't exactly pick up people via the Big Idea.
There are, of course, problems with online dating, and I'd like to highlight one of them here: the problem of "closing" a match. One encounters this problem when matched with someone that isn't quite right, generally before one ever meets them in person.
Here is the way that eHarmony does it:
If you are sure that you want to permanently close communication with John, please select from the following list those messages which best reflect your feelings at this time. After you click the "Close" button below, we will notify John that this communication has been closed. This match will be moved to your Closed section.
"I have decided to close communication because..."
(choose as many as apply)
-- I think our family backgrounds are too different.
-- I have too much happening in my life at the moment.
-- I don't feel that the chemistry is there.
-- I don't think our Must Haves and Can't Stands fit.
-- I think the physical distance between us is too great.
-- I want to pursue other matches at eharmony.
-- I am pursuing another relationship.
-- I'm just not ready for the next step.
-- I am taking a break from dating.
-- I would rather not say.
-- This match never responded to my request to communicate.
-- I think the difference in age between us is too great.
-- I think the difference in our values is too great.
-- Based on statements in their profile, I'm not interested in this match.
-- Because there are no photos posted/I couldn't see any photos.
-- Because I was put on Hold.
-- Because we are communicating outside of eHarmony
-- Other
Now, having dabbled in online dating for several years, I can tell you that these reasons are all wrong. Please allow me to provide several examples:
I think our family backgrounds are too different.
What this really means is "I don't want to date a man with a 9-year old child" or "the fact that you've been divorced twice turns me off". I suppose on the other end there might also be "I'm emotionally abusive by nature and your stable family makes me think you won't put up with it". Also, "I only date Latina women and you are clearly white."
I have too much happening in my life at the moment.
Going with the very true hypothesis of "he's just not into you", a guy who is interested will find the time to woo a woman when he really likes her, even if that means leaving the operating room with a half-repaired aorta on the table. This "close reason" should be "You seem like a nice person, but I'm just not into you" and could be combined with any number of reasons above.
I would rather not say.
Um, this is online dating, and you have just been given seventeen perfectly plausible reasons to close the match. You can't simply say "I don't feel that the chemistry is there", "I want to pursue other matches at eharmony", or even "Other"? Even if the real reason is that you've decided to give your marriage one more try, there is no reason to make it sound like you're politely trying to insult your match.
So, as part of a public service to all bazillion of the people who have an eHarmony profile, here are my suggestions for the "close communication" reasons (keeping in mind that closing a match almost always happens before you meet the person):
-- Your profile indicates you have a gross inability to spell, and that basic rules of grammar are beyond your ken.
-- You bore me; please consider polishing your personality before you inflict it upon others.
-- I am not attracted to your physical appearance. I can't imagine having sex with you, and I think our children would look funny.
-- After talking with you a bit, I've discovered that you are rude/offensive/controlling/bitter—please seek help.
-- You seem like a nice person, but I'm just not that into you. It's a chemistry thing.
-- You never responded to me, or stopped responding somewhere along the line.
-- I'm pursuing another relationship.
-- I couldn't see any photos of you, which means you are either hideously ugly or too ashamed of online dating for us to have a future.
-- We are communicating outside of eHarmony.
See how much easier that would be?
Posted by madchen at 10:51 AM | Comments (3)August 14, 2007
Why I Will Never Try Meth
I will admit it, I have occasionally dabbled with drugs. And my "drugs" I mean marijuana, which produces (in me at least) a nice laid-back, lazy feeling where everything is doubly funny and I excel at videogames.
While I will spare you my exposition on why pot should be made legal, I want to take a moment to explain why pot is different than other drugs, and why certain other drugs will never enter my body.
This argument revolves around coffee. Caffeinated coffee, more specifically. Which I have had two cups of today. Which is now making me bounce off the walls, tap my feet a bazillion times a minute, and shift around in my chair so that I look like I might have some uncomfortable skin ailment. Which is awkward, since I'm sitting in a Starbucks, trying to work on the Big Idea while the Comcast cable is out at my house.
Why on earth would I need hard drugs when coffee takes me within an inch of psychosis? If two cups of coffee makes me want to dance on the tabletops and run screaming through the parking lot, why do I need coke or speed? Why, in fact would I want to risk it, given that I would probably end up naked on the rooftop of a building, seeing if I could fly?
No, no, better to stick to the occasional frappacino. And if I'm REALLY looking for kicks, I'll follow it up with a shot of espresso.
(Incidentally, it looks like the wallpaper on the far wall is twitching. Just so you know.)
Posted by madchen at 03:38 PM | Comments (2)August 13, 2007
One Thing After Another
The first thing you should know, dear reader, is that I was up until 4 a.m. last night working on the Big Idea. It was partly a result of the mounting workload I've accumulated, and partly because I took a long nap that afternoon that made it impossible to go to sleep at a normal time. Regardless of the reason, however, the end result was a very grumpy Ms. Write Again Soon at her 9 a.m. meeting this morning.
Adding to my grumpiness is that after a weekend of mulling over a decision to purchase a brand spanking new condo in Silver Spring, I finally decided to go for it--only to discover that someone had put down a reservation on it yesterday. Bah--back to square one.
But even that cannot compare to the distress and panic that I'm feeling at the moment. You see, it appears I have misplaced...oh...$5,000 in Big Idea checks. I know I had them somewhere--I distinctly remember tallying them up in my head, but I can't for the life of me figure out where I might have placed them. And I'm not exactly scatterbrained when it comes to things like this--so that fact that searches of three purses, the trashcan, the recycle bin, and my car have turned up nothing leads me to believe that they could only have been taken by alien miscreants, determined to wreak havoc on our civilization via some sort of complex check-stealing scheme.
Part of my trouble is that trying the "last place I saw them" trick isn't working. I have two checks ready and waiting on my desk, and they keep getting mixed up in my head with the missing two checks. I've basically ransacked my room, giving me nostalgia for the Great Curling Iron Disappearance of 2000--which was resolved after 3 days of non-stop searching (it was in the linen closet, which had been searched approximately 37 times before finally yielding its prize).
Sigh--I think it's going to be a long week.
Update! If you guessed "the checks are mixed in with you mom's refinancing-the-old-house papers", you were right! Let us all now breathe a sigh of relief and immediately go to the bank to cash those babies in. And if there is a quick stop at the salon next door for an eyebrow waxing, so be it.
Update #2! I just bought a condo! It's lovely!! And I feel compelled to end every sentence with exclamation points!!! And now I'm going to cook dinner!!!!
Posted by madchen at 12:19 PM | Comments (3)August 12, 2007
Confessions
ONE
Although I've nearly been driven out of my mind with Janie, Jessica, and Mr. Eagle Six living in our house (which was already at capacity with me and my parents) for the last couple of weeks, Jess and Janie's departure for a week in San Diego today made me realize that I do, in fact, adore Janie. When I mentioned in passing that I loved San Diego, she instantly invited me along. When I mentioned that I wasn't invited, she said that I didn't need an invitation, and when I said that I didn't have a ticket for the airplane she brushed this off with an airy wave of her hand. When I said that I had to work, she came over to where I was sitting, looked deep into my eyes, and said "Aunt Jen, you can't work all the time. You need a vacation. So why don’t you JUST COME." I tell you, I was about 30 seconds away from throwing a bathing suit in my purse and agreeing to come along.
TWO
There's something about spending time with Ms. Wish to See that makes me want to purchase expensive electronics. Last summer after a couple of hours with her, I swung by Best Buy on my way home and dropped $1,500 on a digital camera and a digital video camera. Not for any particular reason—just because. And then last week after having lunch with her and Mr. Fliven, I had a spare 30 minutes before my golf game and so I stopped by the Best Buy that was on the way. How much damage could a person who doesn't want a TV and doesn't play video games do in just 30 minutes? Clearly, I underestimated myself, because with 10 minutes to spare I had walked out of the store with the largest flat panel computer monitor they had. It's 24 inches of glorious high definition and here's the confession part: porn looks AMAZING on it.
THREE
I've been in my pajamas for the last 28 hours. But they were clean when I put them on, so I feel that it's not quite as shocking as staying in already-worn pajamas for the entire day. And I was super productive, so I feel almost justified.
FOUR
I actually wrote this entry 10 days ago. But it's Sunday night, I still have a couple of hours of work to do on the Big Idea, and I'm too busy watching Human Weapon (watch it, dear readers, and love it) to come up with anything new and exciting. But we'll re-open the door on online dating next week, so stay tuned!
August 08, 2007
Mission Critical
Aside from the many, many problems I'm facing today (45 minutes on the phone with Comcast to fix the internet, cats yowling for no apparent reason, a bathroom so filthy that FEMA might be called in at any moment), the critical issue at the moment is my lack of clean laundry.
This morning I have been reduced to wearing one of Mr. Pilot's old t-shirts, retrieved from the top of my closet where I had carefully placed it in preparation for a cult ritual that involves fire and chanting, while mounds of dirty clothes wend their way through the washer and dryer. It appears, from a quick perusal of the items on the bottom of the piles, that I haven't done a full load of laundry since the end of June.*
Unfortunately, the buck had to stop somewhere and that somewhere was today.
So here I sit in a plain white t-shirt (cue the catchy "hey there delilah" song), noting that I fill out the chest area quite nicely, but that my biceps can't really compete with the original owner. Perhaps during the next spin cycle I should do a couple push-ups.
* A quick extrapolation indicates that I must have 40-ish pairs of underwear. That even rivals my shoe collection...
Posted by madchen at 01:28 PM | Comments (0)God Have Mercy on Their Souls
Since retiring a few weeks ago, my dad has been immersing himself in the joys of day-to-day civilian life. It has not been a pretty transition.
Two weeks ago he got his first personal laptop EVER, and needed a full 8 days to figure it all out. Apparently, he wanted to go through the entire set-up process, but got befuddled (if you can call loud sighing and occasional swearing "befuddled) by the fact that the computer kept prompting him to register his programs online, but failed to automatically connect with the internet.
There was also some muttering about a lack of CDs with the associated Microsoft Office--or perhaps it was that it was already pre-installed, but didn't seem to have the registration codes listed anywhere, thus allowing him only 25 uses before locking him out completely.
He and I spent several hours on the phone with the Comcast, and then the Linksys people, trying to get the wireless internet in the house set up properly so that everyone in the house could check email at the same time. It was only after approximately 45 minutes that I was able to wrestle the phone away from him and talk to the customer service person directly. As I followed their simple instructions, I could still hear my dad wondering aloud why it all had to be so complicated.
Today, my dad chose to inflict his rage against the mortgage people, who have somehow contrived to arrange a money transfer to the new bank in such a way that daily interest is being charged by both institutions for the few days in which the money is in transit. The money isn't the issue--it's more the fact that, to quote a certain incensed man in our house, "the entire financial industry is set up solely for their benefit, to the detriment of the borrower."
Seems reasonable enough. But when I pointed out that using foul language directed at the customer service person on the other end of the line was unlikely to have any positive effect, he claimed that the goal was not to actually get the bank to waive the charges. It was only "to get him to admit that he's screwing me". The phone call lasted more than an hour, as every line item was reviewed, contested, abandoned, and then revisited anew.
Let this serve as an open warning to all customer service agents worldwide. There is a retired 2-star admiral on the loose. He's used to having a staff deal with these issues, and now is determined to set things right himself. He's on a quest. And he's got nothing but time.
Posted by madchen at 12:00 AM | Comments (2)August 05, 2007
I've Still Got It
Mark your calendar, dear reader, for it is truly a momentous day in the life of Ms. Write Again Soon. Approximately 45 minutes ago I was asked out on a date. By whom, you might ask?
By a boy who—while in military uniform—is almost certainly too young to buy alcohol, and who probably only needs to shave once a week.
A boy who checked my ID last night when I arrived home at 2 a.m. and proclaimed that I was "mighty chipper" for it being so late. A boy who followed up that comment with "ma'am, I'm not hitting on you or nothing, but we should exchange phone numbers so we can go out sometime. I'm new here, see, just up from Texas."
A boy who just now announced that there was a drag race up in Annapolis later this week and I should go. A boy who proudly informed me that he has TWO cars, a Mustang and a Chevelle. (Just in case you were wondering, he will only be racing the Mustang.)
While this would have been a noteworthy encounter, what made it REALLY special was that tonight I was in the passenger seat of Ms. ADA's car. She was dropping me off at home and got to witness the exchange, proclaiming afterwards that he looks about 12, and I should really consider it. I believe there might have been sarcasm in that last part, but it was hard to tell because of her hysterical laughter all the way to my doorstep.
Anyway, I think I might have to drive by the security gate once more, so that I can pull him side and whisper into his ear when you're hitting on a girl who is obviously older than you, you probably shouldn't call her ma'am.
Even so, let's not forget the larger lesson here: I've Still Got It.
August 02, 2007
The Internet Is New Again
In my ongoing attempt to find interesting things to share with you, dear reader, here are some fun links:
WalkScore – Walk Score helps people find walkable places to live. Walk Score calculates the walkability of an address by locating nearby stores, restaurants, schools, parks, etc. My current home (tucked away on a nice, safe, quiet military base, rates a 32 out of 100, not exactly a walker's paradise, but still in the middle of the pack.*
Paper Pilot – design your own virtual paper airplane and test it out…when you're happy with it, challenge your friends to a flying competition. It sounds corny but it is highly addictive. Mr. Pilot (ha ha) originally challenged me, and it took me WEEKS to worm out of him the secret trick to top 48 feet. So far, my best is 48.1, and I think he's somewhere at 49. Can you break 50 ft?
Maps of War – It's super geeky and yet amazingly interesting. Watch 5,000 of imperial history in 90 seconds, or see which Presidents have led the United States into its deadliest wars. It's cool technology, cool education, and a site that you should feel smug knowing about.
* In a terrible fit of I DON'T WANT TO WORK, I typed in some of my friends addresses and it turns out that Mr. Bad Apologies scores a whopping 92 out of 100—apparently living next to a crackhouse gets you extra points. Ms. NYC Rouge gets a respectable 80. Even Ms. Maryment (52) resides in a walkable locale. The people behind me? Ms. Wish to See (23), Ms. Secret Blog (17), and Mr. Fliven (2), who lives in the boondocks…I mean country.
Posted by madchen at 03:53 PM | Comments (2)August 01, 2007
Books I Read In Between Frantic Attempts To Be Productive
New Total: 128
Best American Travel Writing 2006
Edited by Tim Cahill
Publishers Weekly: Declares Cahill (Jaguars Ripped My Flesh) in his introduction to the seventh edition of Houghton's annual collection, "Story is the essence of the travel essay." So perhaps it's no surprise to see several contributions from writers with literary reputations. Gary Shteyngart revisits his native St. Petersburg for the holidays; George Saunders takes a surreal journey through Dubai; and Alain de Botton explains why he loves "boring and bourgeois" Zurich so much. But more traditional travel writers make their presence felt as well. Outside columnist Mark Jenkins hikes across the steppes from Afghanistan into China; in another article from that magazine, Michael Behar finds himself getting shot at by natives in the rain forests of West Papua. Airplanes come in for a lot of ribbing: P.J. O'Rourke jokes his way through a sneak peek at the jumbo-sized Airbus A380, while David Sedaris bears the resentment of his seatmate on a crowded flight after refusing to switch places with her husband. In a charming touch, the anthology begins and ends with stories about food: Chitrita Banerji's reflections about a Calcutta wedding feast are book-ended by Calvin Trillin's marvelous New Yorker piece about spending a week in Ecuador indulging his love for "thick and hearty" fanesca soup, a perfect mix of exotic locale and elegant prose.
My Review: This book was a birthday gift from Ms. Wish to See and I brought it with me to Key West back in June. There is something about reading travel writing while on vacation (especially on a sun-soaked beach on the longest day of the year) that makes the prose extra good--not that this book needed it. The stories were hysterically funny, touchingly poignant, full of derring-do, and overall an excellent way to spend a day on the beach (even if I did forget to reapply the sunblock).
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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
by JK Rowling
Amazon: The heart of Book 7 is a hero's mission--not just in Harry's quest for the Horcruxes, but in his journey from boy to man--and Harry faces more danger than that found in all six books combined, from the direct threat of the Death Eaters and you-know-who, to the subtle perils of losing faith in himself. Attentive readers would do well to remember Dumbledore's warning about making the choice between "what is right and what is easy," and know that Rowling applies the same difficult principle to the conclusion of her series. While fans will find the answers to hotly speculated questions about Dumbledore, Snape, and you-know-who, it is a testament to Rowling's skill as a storyteller that even the most astute and careful reader will be taken by surprise.
My Review: I scarfed down this book in a single reading (10 p.m. Saturday to 6 a.m. on Sunday) and laughed and cried and thoroughly enjoyed myself. But as time goes on, I think I am becoming less impressed with the finale. It was a bit like "Harry Potter on Ecstasy"--there was just too much going on. I mean, did we really need Horcruxes AND Deathly Hallows? Did *every single* character in the preceding 13,000 pages need to show up for the final battle scene? Did she have to go the extra mile and make sure that we knew that Harry and Ginny get married? Don't get me wrong, I still loved it--but felt like a little more editing could have been useful...there was enough for books 9, 10, and 11 here.
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Foreign Babes in Beijing: Behind the Scenes of a New China
by Rachel DeWoskin
Publishers Weekly: DeWoskin moved to Beijing in 1989, shortly after the military squashed the democracy movement in Tiananmen Square, but just as China's younger population began embracing Western ideologies and commodities. This entertaining romp through her five-plus years in Beijing details her life as a PR consultant—and as the star of the wildly popular Chinese nighttime television drama Foreign Babes in Beijing. After getting the gig on a lark, DeWoskin became known, sometimes even in her real life, as the character Jiexi, an American who falls in love with a married Chinese man, in the 20-episode drama, which aired to an estimated 600 million viewers. Her memoir weaves humorous tales of Sino-U.S. culture clashes both on and off the set with astute observations of the two cultures, as well as a significant amount of Chinese history. Though she admits frequently to being homesick for New York, DeWoskin feels for the loss of more traditional Chinese culture: "Consumerism became a religion; companies arrived like missionaries... seducing the average Zhou Schmoe with products he had never known he needed." The book offers a generous helping of Chinese words (along with their English translations and insights into the young people's "Chinglish"), as well as Lost in Translation–esque glimmers of the differences between the Chinese and American acting worlds.
My Review: I was loaned this book by Ms. Secret Blog, and I secretly resisted reading it for two months. For some reason, the overall premise (an American woman starring in a Beijing soap opera writes her memoirs) just rubbed me the wrong way--and the title made it sound like the worst kind of chit lit. Well, Ms. Secret Blog, I admit that you were right and I was wrong--the book *was* good. I loved the insight into US-China relations and the reality that people tend to be the most patriotic when in another country. It reminded me of my week in Shanghai last year, my three summers in Japan, and the feeling of being out of place in a foreign country, and yet at home at the same time.
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Suite Francaise
by Irene Nemirovsky
Publishers Weekly: Celebrated in pre-WWII France for her bestselling fiction, the Jewish Russian-born Némirovsky was shipped to Auschwitz in the summer of 1942, months after this long-lost masterwork was composed. Némirovsky, a convert to Catholicism, began a planned five-novel cycle as Nazi forces overran northern France in 1940. This gripping "suite," collecting the first two unpolished but wondrously literary sections of a work cut short, have surfaced more than six decades after her death. The first, "Storm in June," chronicles the connecting lives of a disparate clutch of Parisians, among them a snobbish author, a venal banker, a noble priest shepherding churlish orphans, a foppish aesthete and a loving lower-class couple, all fleeing city comforts for the chaotic countryside, mere hours ahead of the advancing Germans. The second, "Dolce," set in 1941 in a farming village under German occupation, tells how peasant farmers, their pretty daughters and petit bourgeois collaborationists coexisted with their Nazi rulers. In a workbook entry penned just weeks before her arrest, Némirovsky noted that her goal was to describe "daily life, the emotional life and especially the comedy it provides." This heroic work does just that, by focusing—with compassion and clarity—on individual human dramas.
My Review: Holy crap, this was a powerful book. I stayed up late finishing it last night after being unable to complete it in time for my book club meeting. It wasn't that I didn't *want* to finish it, but it was often impossible to read more than a couple of pages before physically having to set it down because I was crying, or sick with fury, or perplexed as to how I would have reacted in such a situation. My favorite line: Important events--whether serious, happy or unfortunate--do not change a man's soul, they merely bring it into relief, just as a strong gust of wind reveals the true shape of a tree when it blows off all its leaves. This is a book that I will go back to on cozy winter evenings, and will serve as a reminder about the REAL hardships of life.
Posted by madchen at 11:30 AM | Comments (1)
