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July 30, 2007
How To Take Me On A First Date
When setting up the date, volunteer to come down to my neighborhood for the evening. Do a little research and have an idea for an activity we might both enjoy. If you are going to take me to out to eat, at least have a couple of cuisines that you can suggest so I don't flail around making a dozen suggestions and hoping that one will be acceptable. Don't invite me for drinks—make it lunch or dinner or something completely unrelated to food like golfing or paint-your-own-pottery. Never ever suggest a movie. Volunteer to pick me up, but be open to the idea that I probably want to meet you someplace public just in case you are a serial killer.
Dress nicely—but not too nicely. Your shoes matter, so leave your sneakers at home. A belt wouldn't hurt either. Don't forget to brush your teeth, floss, and use some mouthwash before you leave the house. Chew some gum on your way over. I promise to do the same.
Be on time...no, be early. Introduce yourself; don't make me walk over to every single guy and parade the fact that I'm here on a first date. Compliment me. Whether it's my eyes or my smile or my dazzling ability to mix stripes and plaids, I want to know that you're not horrified at the sight of me in person.
Keep the awkward small talk to a minimum and suggest that we go to the bar/get a table/tee up right away. Once we get to wherever we're going, take the lead and announce that it's a "table for two" or "18 holes with a cart, please". Let me be the quiet and submissive one at the beginning; I'll jump you later.
During our date, don't dominate the conversation. Pay attention to my subtle social signals. Recognize that because I'm a polite person I will continue to ask you follow-up questions long after I have completely lost interest in whatever topic you're droning on about. Topics to avoid include why your marriage broke up (unless I ask, in which case a short explanation will suffice), why you hate your job, how to program software, and why your favorite sports team is going all the way this year. Don't complain about the traffic, the parking, or the weather—I dealt with it too and I've still managed to plaster a grin on my face.
Ask me about myself. When it turns out that you don't understand my job (and you probably won't), don't probe for twenty minutes in a feeble attempt to sound interested in the topic. You and I both know that you don't care unless it will help you get me into bed. And it won't. Just make a note of my chosen industry and do some internet research when you get home.
Don't admit that you never read books. Don't admit that you only watch horror movies. Don't talk about your home movie set-up like it was the second coming of Christ. Don't laugh too hard when I say something self-deprecating.
Don't ask if I want to have wine with dinner—of course I want wine, it goes without saying. And when the meal is over and the waiter comes over with the dessert menu, announce that we'll "take a look" and then give me the choice to peruse the offerings at my leisure. Never under any circumstances ask if I want dessert while the waiter hovers at the table's edge--it's too much pressure.
Take the bill when it arrives. Do not leave it sitting in the middle of the table, even if you plan on picking up the tab in a few minutes. Do not say "let me get this"—we both know that's how it works and there's no need to point out something as obvious as your ability to pay for a meal. Besides, my signal for "you're in" is to pick up the tab and having a back-and-forth on the first date dilutes my gesture later on.
If you like me, let me know during that first date. Don't actually say it out loud, but any of the following are acceptable: asking me to take a walk after dinner, casually touching my hand/arm, suggesting that we go to a different locale for an after-dinner drink. That let's me know that you are interested enough to want to spend more time with me, but doesn't get into stalker territory.
Feel free to flirt. Do not swear. Do not make lewd comments—or any comments about sex. Hold the door open for me. Walk on the outside edge of the sidewalk. These things tell me you are a gentleman, and that even if you don't buy into gender stereotypes, you can turn it on when you want to. It is unnecessary (but a plus) if you wait to be seated until I sit down. But don't overdo it—there's no need to jump to your feet every time I get up from the table.
Walk me to my car at the end of the night. Don't try to kiss me—a hug will do. And make it a quick hug, there's no need to stand with your arms wrapped around me, squeezing me like someone trying to hold on to a wriggling hamster.
Make sure we both know the next step. If you like me, tell me when you'll call again. If I wasn't your cup of tea, just say it was nice to meet me. I'll be looking for these signs from you, and you can be sure that if you pay attention you will know exactly how I feel when you walk away.
If I give you the preemptive handshake goodnight, you needed more gum.
Comments
I can't wait for the monthly book review. What did you think of the last Potter?
Posted by: Mr. PHS at July 30, 2007 11:34 PM
So the date went well?
I think standing when you go to the bathroom is fine. How many times did you walk out on this guy!?
Posted by: Mr. Bad Apologies at July 31, 2007 11:52 PM
