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May 14, 2007
Step Forward Please
Well, it turns out that I can really only be angry for about 4 hours before it all fades and I go back to being mopey. This evening I thought I had turned a corner with the first softball game of the season (and an after-game beer with some of the guys from the team), but lo and behold on the drive back home, the tears started again. I'm beginning to tire of this whole saga--being miserable sucks. Time for a radical change, I think.
On another topic, I was watching The Break-Up yesterday, which is actually not a terrible movie (I'm not nominating it for an Oscar either, so relax) and it got me thinking about how relationships are affected by timing. At the end, when Vince Vaughn finally comes to his senses and realizes that he loves Jennifer Aniston, it's too late. It's not that she doesn't love him anymore, it's just that she "doesn't have anything left to give".
That made me think about what I have to give. I had dinner with Mr. Bethesda last week and he said something offhand about how he always liked that I was domestic--that I took care of him. I believe there was some reference to an omlette I made him on our second date, and how even months later he often thinks back to that night and appreciates the gesture. Now granted, I think we went on a whole four dates before we decided a relationship was not in the cards, and so the sentiment coming from him was a little absurd.
Even so, there is some truth to his statement. I do secretly enjoy being domestic. When I'm honest with myself, I'd like to be in a relationship where I make dinner for us at night, where I iron clothes in the evenings while we watch The Daily Show, and where occasionally we have a Saturday afternoon picnic. And while he's sitting on that blanket in the backyard in his freshly ironed shirt, I want us to look at each other and be blissfully happy.
AUGH. That is a scary paragraph, because it seems so unlikely to happen. Not impossible, I admit, since when I look back over my dating history there have been PLENTY of guys who would have jumped at the chance to have me iron their clothes, if you know what I mean. It just so happens that I actively loathed most of them. Or pitied, or despised them. As desperate as I am for a meaningful relationship, I have fled from many promising ones because it just didn't click.
All of which makes it particularly hard to give up on that nugget of hope that grew during this last relationship, when I thought things did click. I am reminded of the end of my relationship with Mr. Music where the emotional lines were drawn on opposite corners, and now I feel much more empathy for his confused puppy-dog "why don't you love me" look. I wonder if I called him today if he would "have anything left to give". (Not that I would--that would just be mean, but it would be an interesting experiment.)
I have my own experiment, in the form of a dream I have every year or so, in which the great loves of my life all show up to offer me their undying devotion. In the past, it's always come down to two guys--one who broke my heart, and one who I loved, but whose heart I broke anyway. In the dream, both of them explain that they want to try again--to marry me and have a family and be together forever--I just have to decide. It's an emotionally painful dream, full of long-suppressed baggage and distrust and longing.
Strangely enough, my ultimate decision on which guy to choose has switched back and forth over time--even though it's been almost a decade since I talked to either of them. Sometimes I've even decided to be alone forever.
I wonder, if I had the dream tonight, and all the great loves of my life lined up with love in their eyes, who I would select. On the other hand, given my tenuous hold on reality at the moment, I might not recover from a dream like that. So perhaps it's a good thing that I have at least another 6 months before that one rolls around again.
