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May 04, 2007
How to Recover from a Broken Heart
I base this advice on two episodes of broken-heartedness. They were separated by a space of 8 years, but I remember the symptoms that I am experiencing now and see the logic in acknowledging that there is a cycle. Forewarned is forearmed, if still very unhappy.
Step 1: Cry. A Lot.
The first step in getting over a broken heart is to acknowledge how much it sucks. In my case, my heart broke so quickly that it was over before we knew it was happening. In the space of one day, I went from being totally content and happy to sobbing on the floor as he drove away forever.
Anyway, the problem with a broken heart is that it's loss that is compounded in a million different ways. It's the best friend who's no longer there to listen to your daily tribulations. It's the lover who will no longer touch your face and whisper how much he wants you. It's the intellectual equal that you never thought you'd find in a partner. It's the person who exposes you to new movies, new restaurants, and new gossip websites. It's the person who despairs of your taste in music and secretly hopes you'll learn the finer points of football. It's the person who made you finally open up after 10 years of being an emotional recluse, and the person who—in the end—said you weren't what he was looking for.
Here is where the crying starts.
I advise that you give into the crying as much as possible, at least at the beginning. And when I say cry, I mean really let loose. Let your eyes swell up, your nose run, and above all, be sure to make the terrible noises that accompany a heart shattered into little pieces. Wallow in the misery. Allow yourself to feel just how empty and meaningless your life is without this person, and just how very alone you are.
Why do I recommend this? Well, the more emotional and hysterical the crying is, the more you exhaust yourself. There is something about the human body that simply cannot be hysterically upset for more than 10-15 minutes. Time yourself and see. Really, it works.
I advise that you give yourself an early morning "cry time" and then another one right before bed. I find that a broken heart repeats the same cycle, and we can use that to our benefit. Each morning when you wake up only to remember that you're no longer in a happy relationship, that's a perfect time to muster all your crying abilities and get it out of the way. And going to bed, when you go over your day and lament the absence of someone to share it with—that is also an excellent time to expel all that pent up anguish.
In between, feel free to do some "pretty crying". This involves silent tears running down your face (hopefully camouflaged behind some dark sunglasses), a strange tightening of the mouth, and perhaps a delicate sniff or two. If you've really indulged in the twice-daily mega-cry, then these interludes should be enough to get you through the day. And you can do them anywhere! Today, for example, I've done "pretty crying" in the following places: 1) in the car when listening to the radio, 2) in the parking lot waiting for a shuttle bus, 3) on the airplane during take-off, 4) in the airplane during landing, 5) in the bathtub after I got back from the gym, 6) just a few minutes ago while I was packing my suitcase, and 7) right now.
Long story short, crying is going to happen and you are best off when you can strategically separate the heavy-duty crying jags (complete with hair pulling and moaning) from the unhappy-but-not-totally-embarrassing crying. After all, when the time comes when you are actually required to step into real life (if only for a few minutes), you'll be much happier knowing you've gotten the sobbing out of the way for the next few hours.
Step 2: Stop Crying. Now.
Ok, now quit it. Crying all day isn't going to get you anywhere—and deep down you know that at some point it has to stop. This is why I feel that the planned heavy-duty crying is so helpful. Once I've given myself 15 minutes of writhing agony, I can go about my day (at least for the next few hours) pretty much business as usual.
Unfortunately, crying spurts will sneak up on your when least expect it. This is why I recommend turning off your radio (music is a huge trigger, except maybe for the gym mix on your iPod), avoiding updating your Quicken (where you can relive the last days of your relationship via your spending habits), and being very selective about who you commiserate with (because you are basically guaranteed to start leaking tears whenever a thoughtful friend expresses sympathy—good for solidarity, bad for productivity).
My best piece of advice? Get yourself to the gym. It is physically impossible to cry while on an elliptical machine—I've found that it's the one place that I can think about my misery without resorting to sobbing convulsions. On the track (or a treadmill), you can still do "pretty crying" while walking, but stepping it up to a jog basically nullifies the tear ducts capabilities. Here is where the body's reluctance to multitask works well for the brokenhearted. Plus, you get some nice exercise. And potentially sore legs. (During the first day after my most recent break-up, I spent 4 hours exercising since every time I stopped moving the tears started again and I just couldn’t deal with it any more. By the time that I made my wobbly legs carry me to the shower, I managed only a 5 minute sob session before pulling it together and crawling into bed for a nap.)
Step 3: Distract Yourself.
Whether it's time at the gym, or a complicated work project, or whatever—find someplace or something that requires all of your attention. The benefit is that you give yourself a break. The downside is that moment when the activity ends and the full impact of your misery hits you like a ton of bricks. It's like your heart breaks all over again. But each time, it breaks a little bit less. Small comfort though it is, it is progress and something you will appreciate over time.
Step 4: Stop Talking about It. Immediately.
While at the very beginning of the broken heart recovery process it's good and healthy to talk it through with friends, at some point you need to internalize the unhappiness. For one thing, your friends are going to get tired of it—no matter how much they love you, dealing with someone else's misery on a daily basis eventually makes a person want to run away and hide. And for another thing, constantly reliving the event and its consequences prevents you from moving on.
If you are having trouble with this step and you've exceeded your hiatus (see below), it's time to take a hard look at yourself. Once you've experienced all the loss, all the pain, all the physical absence, all the loneliness—and given yourself time to mourn—why are you not moving on? As much as I hate to quote Dr. Phil, he has a point that when we make ourselves unhappy, we're doing it because we secretly get something out of it. To quote him again, how's that working for you?
Step 5: Put Yourself on Hiatus.
I am a believer in the rebound—a period of time where you are still in heartbreak mode and should be allowed to wallow in misery (within the guidelines set out above), and when you should absolutely NOT be "out there" interacting with the world like nothing has gone wrong. This rebound time ensures that you give yourself enough time to mourn your loss, and that you have an opportunity to work through any residual issues.
How do you calculate the rebound period? Simple—just take one week for every month you were together. I don't know why, but it works. I dated him for 7 months, and that means I'm on hiatus for 7 weeks, at which point I can reenter the world as a competent human being.
Step 6: No Dating. No Sex. Really.
Part of being on hiatus is giving yourself the space to be celibate. Trust me, I've tried the "get back in the saddle" approach and it just does NOT work. So don't make the mistake of mixing the business of broken heart recovery with the dubious pleasure of rebound dating. Make your hiatus a "coi-atus".
The added benefit is that when you forbid yourself from dating, there are no nights spent wondering why no guy has asked you out. When you choose not to hook up just for the sake of having sex, you avoid the ugly surprises that inevitably follow (there are few things as unpleasant as the intersection between sex and a spontaneous crying fit, and I speak from experience here).
Step 7: Realize that While It Gets Better, The Pain Will Never Go Away Completely.
I think one of the biggest mistakes in a breakup is the goal to return to "normal". The death of a relationship is very much like the death of a person. We experience loss, pain, loneliness—and a part of us dies in that process. So even though life goes on and we learn to cope, there's also the truth that we are forever changed. There is no going back to normal life. And that's okay—humans have an amazing ability to adapt.
But while it absolutely sucks to acknowledge that we'll never be the same person, that acceptance it the only way forward. Not that it's much help at the outset, when the biggest lesson we can learn is to have that pair of dark sunglasses available at all times. ALL TIMES. So take it one day at a time--and when that doesn't work, focus on getting through the next 10 minutes.
Comments
My! That was extremely comprehensive! I would just like to take a moment to remind you that the Ice Cream Ball is an excellent source of both exercise and refined carbs -- which is my own favorite way to deal with my troubles (obviously). I am tempted to give you the "look on the bright side" speech or a list of things to be happy about, but I know you don't want to hear it. Rightly so. However, if hugs are what you need, I do have those!
Posted by: La at May 4, 2007 09:15 AM
The gym mix on your Ipod is HILARIOUS. I have never heard such a funky, raunchy, side-splitting combination of songs. I am glad you can take solace in that particular music. Anyone who can put that list together deserves to be happy, and anything I can do to help (shoes, margaritas, talking, not talking), holla.
Posted by: Elizabeth at May 4, 2007 10:24 AM
In the immortal words of Christina Aguilera, "it makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, makes me that much wiser, thanks for making me a fighter." Make of that what you will. Perhaps a good one for the iPod.
Posted by: nycrouge at May 4, 2007 12:21 PM
Great advice. The last point, in particular, is so helpful and well-put. Thanks for the honesty in saying that you'll never get completely over this loss. For the rest of your life, you will, at various points, remember the person, sometimes with a bit of sadness or nostalgia. But, as you point out, you can, amazingly, learn to live and grow from this experience. I'm thinking in particular to a clearly bad relationship of mine that ended two years (she broke up with me and cut me out of her life). Now, that was an unhealthy relationship, yes: But, I imagine my sense of being better off and more mature without her holds true for many others with past break-ups. (And, I was so enamored of her at the time that I couldn't see that ever as a possibility.)
Posted by: Tara at May 6, 2007 11:42 PM
Well i found this really helpful. I recently got out of a one year relationship, where I thought everything was going great.However, one day everything just went down hill, he stoped calling me out of knowere few weeks later found out he had a girlfriend, it has not been is for me, but I know i'm strong. Reading this helped me out more thank you
Posted by: Lilly at September 23, 2007 11:59 AM
hi my name is lucy looking at your situation i have the same problem me and my husband got in a fight lastnight . now he told me it was over now i am alone brojen hearted feeling an empyniess inside of me ///// but i cry a lot and it hurts loosing someone you love so dear
Posted by: lucy at October 15, 2007 01:29 PM
Thanks for this excellent piece - i hope it helps
Posted by: sokari at November 4, 2007 03:07 PM
You are such an angel for posting these comments! I am currently suffering from a broken heart. I do agree that at some point you should stop talking about it to family and friends; it only reopens the wound. Also, cudos go out to you for the very true statement that "you never recover from the loss." My situation is that 8 years ago I experienced the same thing in the same manner; that is why this time it is so devastating because it is reopening the same wound from 8 years ago! I can't believe I am reliving this nightmare all over again after 8 years.
However, I know that time and prayer along with staying busy will heal me at a point where I will be able to move forward.
Once again, thank you very much for your comments!
Posted by: Lynne at December 19, 2007 03:39 PM
Thank you for such an entertaining and insightful piece on how to get over "it"... Very helpful! I just went through the same thing after being celibate (still!) for nearly six years, and dating someone for a few months (and almost gave in). What I did to combat my situation was take out my Gratitude book and write down why I thanked this man for coming into my life even if it didn't work out. I thanked him for making me actually FEEL again, for reminding me that I am still a beautiful and vibrant woman, and there is still room and time in my life to love and be loved. If nothing else, I felt alive around him and now I am taking better care of myself and open to a healthy relationship...now that I remember all those warning signs! Lynsae
Posted by: Lynsae at December 22, 2007 02:47 PM
I am not exactly suffering but i am angry for liking such a person who is a ditcher.He talks as though he didnt do anything to me and avoids me these days.I damn care about him and gave everything in the hands of God because he has a special plan for me.I have surrendered myself to God and He will show me the way.I am sorry Lord for doing things on my own accord and hurting you.More than getting hurt myself i am feeling hurt for hurting God for not understanding Him(Lord) and running behind a worthless idiot.Today i am going to dispose all the things which that person gave me and start life afresh.I know it hurts but at the same time i believe in God and prayer will heal me more than wordly things. Those who get a chance to read this be of good courage dont feel for anything because you are "THE BEST"
Posted by: Celine at January 19, 2008 12:33 PM
My 5 yr. relaionship ended nearly a year ago now. I am still not OVER it, and probably never will be but.....I did do the things you suggested. I allowed myself to feel the emotions as they came. Melatonin to sleep. Wake up and made up a list of the things I wanted to accomplish each day. I worked on myself, body, mind and spirit, until one day I finally woke up with some self esteem, self worth. Since then I got a bit of a singles club going at work. We take a list of the things we would like to do and see, and get out there and do them. I have not had an intimate partner. I could have but....I am still not ready, and I never want to break someone else's heart the way that mine was broken!!!!!
Posted by: kay at February 4, 2008 02:26 AM
a wonderful site,i wish i had found it sooner
Posted by: robert at February 10, 2008 01:51 AM
I just wanted every reader that,I cried for the first week on and off all day. I vented to family and friends until I think they got tired and stop answering some calls.I blamed myself for allowing this to happen to me. Then I thought back throughout the period of dealing, I was just doing and being what I thought.. HE.. wanted in a woman. Boy...was I wrong!!!! I neglected self. Big Mistake...basically what I am trying to say to all who have been hurt, START WITH SELF...And in order to properly do that, you have to love GOD; something I was trying to avoid...I love you and he does,too..Time heals all wound...Trust and believe....
Posted by: Dee at March 4, 2008 12:42 PM
I've just discovered that my fiance of 5 and a half years has another girlfriend of 2 years. He'd told both of us that he was going to marry us (me this year...but he told her that he was moving in with her in October). I am devastated.
Your advice sounds good as I am in the crying mode. But your "hiatus" step sounds a little too drastic. According to your calculation of "7 weeks for every month you've been together" I shouldn't be dating for another 9 years! I'm hoping it will take less time that that before I find true love again.
Posted by: Sameera at March 22, 2008 12:20 PM
Thank you for this - it's amazing to know that I'm not the only one who can feel this amazingly crappy. My boyfriend of over a year broke up with me a little over a week ago now. He left for a trip talking about permanence and moving here, and came back and said "it's over."
I, too, have found distraction in working out - and have already lost almost ten pounds because of the healing process. Thanks for your amazing advice.
Posted by: L.A. at April 9, 2008 08:58 PM
