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March 27, 2007
You Know, The One With The Sign
"Grandma, I saw one of Aunt Jen's old boyfriends on her camera."
Really, which one? I don't remember looking at any old boyfriends.
"You know...the one with the....the one...he had a....you know....with the sign."
That is certainly a very PC way of describing him, my love. But you know, that's just my friend, Mr. Bad Apologies--he was never my boyfriend. We have just been friends for a VERY long time.
"But Aunt Jen, why was he on your boyfriend camera?"
I didn't realize that was my boyfriend camera.
Posted by madchen at 02:12 AM | Comments (1)March 26, 2007
Pendulum
On the one hand, spring has finally arrived and the trees surrounding my house are covered in buds. It's warm enough to work with my windows open, and yesterday I even wore a skirt that exposed my bare (and pale and white) legs to the world. On the other hand, my spring allergies have arrived with a vengence, and when I'm not sneezing, I'm looking for a kleenex in order to be better prepared for the next sneeze, which is only a few minutes around the corner.
On the one hand, I'm thrilled with the way the Big Idea is coming along. In the last week alone, I've gotten several new potential clients and I'm finally getting a sense that financial security is something I can count on. On the other hand, I've got more work than I can handle, and in moments when I'm totally honest with myself I have to admit that I need to cut back on my social life to continue this successful trend.
On the one hand, I'm happy to be living in this house, where I have lots of room for my 46 pairs of shoes and an absurd number of books. On the other hand, I am dying to get my own place--even if the thought of moving again (on top of everything else that's going on) gives me hives.
On the one hand, I look around at my life so far and am very satisfied. I've gotten two Master's degrees, have a great resume, and am doing something that I love (and am good at). I have good friends who care about me, and I'm beginning to feel like I might be a good friend too. On the other hand, I look around and wonder if I'm falling behind. Where I used to be the amazingly talented young thing that clawed her way up to play with the adults, now I'm just one of the 30-somethings getting through the day, and even then ending the day without a significant other to commiserate with. It makes me want to stop everything for a month and go to Botswana to count hippos or something--just to prove I'm still creative and ambitious and unpredictable.
On the one hand, I think that these mood swings are a sign that there are bigger problems looming in the future--that these twinges of unhappiness are signals of BIG trouble to come. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that it's just the hormones talking, and that in 3 days I will be back to my normal self.
Posted by madchen at 03:47 PM | Comments (3)March 24, 2007
A New Definition of Fun
Where are you going?
"Grandad is taking me to McDonald's, and I'm going to have root beer!"
[Pointed look.]
"What, Aunt Jen? It's just PLAIN root beer! My mom said I could have it. She really did...it's just PLAIN root beer!!"
Hmm, okay, well have fun.
"Aunt Jen, come here! [Motions me forward, whispers.] I have written you a note, and you can see it when I get back. It says 'You are the best Aunt Jen I have, and I like playing with you.' Do you think you will like that?"
I'm sure I will.
"And we're going to play tonight--right?"
Yup, while everyone goes to dinner it's going to be just you and me. Have you thought of anything fun to do?
"Yes!! How about math!? I have math princess cards..."
Sounds like a plan. That's how I like to spend my Saturday nights...brushing up on my basic addition and subtraction.
Posted by madchen at 01:04 PM | Comments (1)March 22, 2007
Momentary Silence
An ugly thing is happening to me. Well, maybe "ugly" is the wrong word for it, but it's definitely uncomfortable...sort of like growing pains. It started off as a 24-bug, and has since developed into a full-fledged fever of sorts. I am incapable of stopping it, and now I'm even a little curious to see where it might go. Where will this transformation end? Will I eventually be forced to move to the slums of India to tend to the weak and poverty-stricken?
You see, dear reader, it seems I am becoming a *caring* person.
Perish the thought, you say! Ms. Write Again Soon is dead inside, a cold and bitter ice queen! She is incapable of letting down her guard and being emotionally committed! Yes, she is fabulous in bed, a witty delight to be around, and perhaps even an amazing chocolate chip cookie maker--but choosing to be vulnerable with another human being...never!
I know, it's as surprising to me as it must be to you. And yet, I can feel it happening--the oh-so-gradual thaw that suggests I might not have completely shut down the "feelings" component of my psyche at the devastating end of my last relationship. Which was...oh...eight years ago.
It's been a long road, dear reader. A winding one, too.
Posted by madchen at 04:20 PM | Comments (0)March 21, 2007
Books I Read In My Spare Time
New Total: 117
Travels with a Tangerine
by Tim Mackintosh-Smith
Publishers Weekly: The author, a British Arabist who has lived in Yemen for the past 17 years, traces the footsteps of an extraordinary, but relatively unknown, medieval explorer. Ibn Battutah (1304-1368) grew up in Tangier within an educated family. At the age of 21, he embarked on a pilgrimage to Mecca and spent the next 30 years traveling throughout the Middle and Far East. When Mackintosh-Smith happened on a translated version of Battutah's travels, he was hooked and decided to make the same journey. This volume covers only the first part of Battutah's path, from Tangier to Constantinople, but has enough excitement, exotic details and information to satisfy the most exacting armchair traveler.
My Review: This book took me more than 2 months to read--not because it wasn't "good" but rather because it had no plot. The author has an engaging way of telling a story, but ultimately I just didn't see why I should care about this strange man from Tangier. And I was irritiated that it took me 50 pages to figure out that there would be no fruit involved.
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The Book of Hard Choices: How to Make the Right Decisions at Work and Keep Your Self-Respect
by James A. Autry and Peter Roy
Book Description: “There are a thousand acts of duplicity and dishonesty every day, some large and some small, some of which undoubtedly take place in your workplace. The question for all of us is, ‘Are we going to resist or just play along the path of least resistance?’ The first hard choice a person of integrity must make is to choose to live, both personally and professionally, in a way that embodies integrity. The power of this book comes from the real-life, in-the-workplace experiences that these executives have been so generously willing to share. None had easy choices, but that’s the point: Integrity is not about easy choices, it’s about the courage to make the right choices.”
My Review: I read this book in a single sitting, and thought it captured exactly the types of decisions that we're forced to make everyday--from the junior employee all the way to CEO. It made me think a lot about my past workplace Alamos, when I decided to throw it all on the line for what I thought was "right". And it made me realize just how few people I have worked for that really took the hard choice when it came right down to it.
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Creating the Accountable Organization: A Practical Guide to Improve Performace Execution
by Mark Samuel
An Amazon Review: Samuel's thesis is that an accountable organization is one in which "people at all levels of [it] can be counted on to keep their commitments and agreements." That is to say, an accountable organization is a human community in which each member demonstrates a high level of personal accountability. Samuel wrote this book for leaders and change agents at any level within any organization "who are ready to move to the next level of excellence and success."
My Review:Eh, this book seemed like it would be more suited to an inspirational speaker's schtick tthan a full length book. I walked away feeling like the ideas were good in theory, but what we really need is to fire the bottom 1/3 of every organization and encourage them to move out of our communities since they are draining us of productivity.
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Idea Mapping: How to Access Your Hidden Brain Power, Learn Faster, Remember More, and Achieve Success in Business
by Jamie Nast
From the Book Jacket: "This is a book that everyone should read. It's an interactive, thought-provoking book about the brain and learning that will expand your mind. Nast, an accomplished and well-respected instructor, has guided me into a new realm of learning experiences and possibilities. I'm sure you will feel the same upon reading her insightful work."
My Review: This book was written in the most annoying conversational tone I have ever encountered. Approximately half of the sentences ended in exclamation points! Because the material was so revolutionary!! So exciting!!! Can't you just tell how amazing this tool will be?!?! Eh--I'm a linear thinker, and always will be.
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The Historian
by Elizabeth Kostova
Booklist: Readers who think the legend of Dracula has become a trite staple of schlock fiction will find this atmospheric page-turner by first-time author Kostova a bloodthirsty delight. A teenage American girl, living in1972 Amsterdam, comes across an ancient book in the library of her widower father, a former historian and now a diplomat. The book, blank save for an illustration of a dragon and the word Drakulya, contains a cache of faded letters all addressed to "My dear and unfortunate reader." Thus begins a search for the truth behind the myth of Dracula, a search that crosses continents as well as generations. Told through narratives, flashbacks, and letters, the plot unfolds at a rapid pace but never gives away too many clues at once. The cast of colorful characters even includes a creepy librarian who takes on the Renfield role of crazed vampire groupie. Both literary and scary, this one is guaranteed to keep one reading into the wee hours--preferably sitting in a brightly lit room and wearing a garlic necklace. Highly recommended for all collections and just in time to enthrall the summer-vacation crowd.
My Review: This was a book club selection, and I adored every scary minute of it. I read most of it after midnights when the Big Idea was done, and it hit just the right amount of creepy and "not-too-creepy" to allow me to sleep soundly and wake enthusiastic for more.
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Lolita
by Vladimir Nabokov
An Amazon Review: If Satan took up literature, he'd write like Nabokov...As I grow old and older, I ask myself all too often why I bother? Haven't I eaten enough toast? Haven't I bent over to tie enough shoes? Then I come across an author like Vladimir Nabokov and a book like *Lolita,* an author and a book that, although Ive read thousands and thousands of books in my time, I somehow never read before. Maybe it was his name, or fame, or the fact that a movie was made of his most famous novel. There are books that you feel you've already read, even though you havent, just because they are so famous, or infamous. This is one of those books. But if you havent read it and think you know what its all about, youre wrong, utterly and 100% wrong, and youre missing one of the great joys of a reader's life: the prose of Vladimir Nabokov.
My Review: This Amazon reviewer hits the nail on the head. Our book club realized that we all knew the story of Lolita, but none of us had read it. The story turned my stomach even as I was delighted by the way Nabokov puts together thoughts. I thought the most telling part was the afterward where he notes that the book is a love story of the English language. On the other hand, I'm happy to never have to read it again...pedophelia is even more gross coming from a 1st person perspective.
Posted by madchen at 12:50 AM | Comments (0)March 20, 2007
Sunny Morning
The nature of the Big Idea is that I'm rarely out of the house before noon. In fact, I'm rarely out of my pajamas before noon. Since I routinely work until 1 or 2 in the morning and then finish off the night with an hour or so of reading, I usually find myself stumbling out of bed around 9 a.m., to begin the whole cycle of Big Idea-ing all over again. In general, it fits well with my night owl habits, and since I can largely set my own schedule, I am rarely interrupted with an early morning meeting.
On the other hand, the rare mornings when I am up early (and by "early", I mean 8 a.m.) are a treat, espcecially when the air outside is mild and the smog is at a minimum. Sitting in a coffe shop, reading through the 40+ internship applications I've received, and enjoying the free wireless internet access--it all makes me think that I might have a chance at Big Idea success AND sanity. Dare I dream so big?
Incidentally, I highly recommend to all of you, dear readers, that you get an intern. It's amazing what these poor kids will do for some experience on their resume.
Posted by madchen at 11:01 AM | Comments (0)March 19, 2007
When the Shit Hits the Fan...
...it ain't pretty.
I spent this past weekend with Mr. Pilot, a topic that I will delicately avoid from now on because of aforementioned sensitivity on his part. The point is that instead of working my normal 15-20 hours over the weekend, I spent it in Irish pubs, long car rides, and then more drinking (and recovering) in the boondocks of Virginia. This is becoming an alarming habit. In my rush to seize every opportunity for a social life, I have been neglecting the Big Idea. And now it's coming back to haunt me.
It wasn't so bad when I blew it off a couple weeks ago for an impromptu day of Friday fun. I work so hard, for so many hours, every single goddamned day that occasionally it seems like a wise "pressure valve" sort of thing to do every once in a while. But then that day turned into a long weekend of fun. And instead of catching up at night (I usually work until about midnight), I have been enjoying regular late-night phone calls and instant messenging, thus putting me even further behind.
It's been coming to a head for the last three weeks, but now I'm in real trouble. I have a major project coming due at the end of next week, plus my regular 12-hour workload, plus new summer interns to hire, plus a contract renegotiation, plus a presentation the DAY AFTER TOMORROW that I have not even begun. And unlike most workshops that I can usually wing, people have paid a LOT of money to hear my thoughts on this topic, and I'm worried that I'm going to fall flat on my face. Not good AT ALL.
That said, have I cancelled plans for next weekend? Dear reader, I have not. I am still planning on attending a lecture completely unrelated to the Big Idea on Friday afternoon, then enjoying Snow Patrol in concert on Friday night. I will follow that up with babysitting Ms. Janie on Saturday, and then probably an overnight trip on Sunday night--also unrelated to the Big Idea. Squeeze in another 300 pages of The Historian (fabulous, by the way) before my book club meeting on the 27th and I might have to forgo sleep altogether.
The silver lining, as I was mentioning to Ms. Red earlier tonight, is that I've finally figured out just exactly how much time and energy and work I can squeeze into a 24 hour period, and just exactly when my body and brain will give out. Now that I know I will choose to prioritize my social life (at least for now), I should reasonably be able to plan April better. If I can just get through the rest of March with an intact social circle and a business in the black.
Posted by madchen at 12:55 AM | Comments (0)March 13, 2007
Cabin Fever
Because the Big Idea is structured as an "e-business" without designated office space, most days I work out of my house. Normally this model works great, although you'd think I would be more on top of the laundry problem, which continues to grow out of proportion with every passing day.
But occasionally I feel the need to get out of the house. It starts as a twitch in my extremities. I will be sitting peacefully in the living room, usually in some combination of last nights pajamas and workout gear, with my laptop busily working away when I feel an overwhelming urge to get up and move to another room. But it's never enough--and all too often I end up going to the kitchen for a snack, or sitting in front of the television "catching up" on TiVo. It's a recipe for disaster--both for the size of my ass and the Big Idea task list.
So today when the urge hit I packed up my computer bag, hopped in the car, and headed to the Starbucks with the best outdoor seating. I got there around 4 p.m., just in time to find a seat in the middle of a group of high school girls from the local Catholic school (or so I assume from their dainty, plaid skirts). It made me feel young and irresponsible, to be basking in the late afternoon sunlight with a group of people so consumed by trigonometry and dates for prom. In an additional moment of delight, I discovered that outdoor seating allows me to access an unsecured wireless internet connection instead of paying up the nose for a day pass from T-Mobile. Seriously, $10 for a couple hours of email access?
And here I've been for the last two hours, miraculously finishing up a presentation for tomorrow, calling back three Big Idea prospects that have been languishing in the "I'll call them back later" pile, updaing my contact list (I'm approaching the very scary "500 people" on the Big Idea mailing list, which will bump me up to the next payment level of Constant Contact), and enjoying an iced soy latte.
It's approaching 5:30 p.m. and it's still lovely outside. It's hard for me to believe that winter might be over--it seems like it just got here. Except for a 7-day cold snap in October, and a few moderately unpleasant weeks in January/February, I believe we have a compelling case for global warming. Which makes me think that it might be time to locate those t-shirts that were put away last fall--if only to tempt winter to make one last raucous appearance.
Posted by madchen at 05:09 PM | Comments (0)March 12, 2007
Spring Forward
The first Monday after Daylight Savings is such a magical time. Sure, my computer is completely jacked, and for some reason half of the appointments in my Outlook calendar have shifted while the other half have remained steadfastly resolute in their time slots. But who cares, when it is 6:13 in the evening and there is no need to put on your headlights when driving to CVS?
With the burgeoning hours of daylight has come some introspection on my part, and I'm delighted to share some good news with my loyal reading public.
First, I have been accepted into a conference in Sweden in June on my subject of expertise. Aside from it being an awesome place to reconnect with some of my old classmates, and my first trip back to Sweden in 2 years, it also means that I get to spend the whole month of June in Europe. That's right bitches--Ms. Write Again Soon is abandoning her loveless existence here in America for some Western Europe adventures. How does one say "trollop" in French?
Second, I have decided that the glorious days of living with my family should come to a close. My rapidly approaching 30th birthday--and yes, it is still more than 12 months away, but closing in every minute--seems to whisper in my ear that it's time to stand on my own two feet. At present, it looks like I will probably choose to rent a place in DC, rather than buy a place farther out (way, way out, whispers my banking account). What does this mean for you, dear reader? Mark your calendars for this summer, and start lifting weights. I will be calling on every able bodied woman and man (beer guts are acceptable, as long as you can carry boxes back and forth from the truck) in the tri-state area to help with the moving process. Aren't you excited?**
Third...well, there is no third. I'm sure there is, but I'm just so discombobulated with the additional sunlight, and so frantic with my Big Idea workload (silly me for blowing everything off this past weekend to spend 48 straight hours with Mr. Pilot) that there's no time for thirds around here. NO TIME, I TELL YOU!!
** Note to self: figure out how to make all of my current and past "gentleman callers" help with the moving effort without recognizing that they are lifting the dresser next to another of my conquests...
Posted by madchen at 06:12 PM | Comments (0)March 11, 2007
Conundrum
I've been watching a lot of movies lately...Kontroll was fabulous, Birth was strange and twisted, Cabaret made me realize that Liza Minelli never stood a chance.
I've never been a huge movie buff. I don't recite entire scenes from Full Metal Jacket (like my military friends), Clerks (like my high school boyfriend), or High School Musical (like Janie). I don't own every possible edition of Star Wars, rarely go see movies in the theatre (although I did see The 300 this weekend), and I don't have strong identification with gen-X classics like High Fidelity.
Movies just don't speak to me about the larger truths in life. Except when they do.
Over the last week, I have repeatedly flashed back to a movie I saw last year with Ms. Secret Blog: Shopgirl. I loved it then, and love it now. And I keep coming back to the scene where Claire Danes, upon realizing she cannot win long-lasting love--that the relationship she has is never going to turn into something meaningful--says, So, I can hurt now, or hurt later. It's heartbreaking and terrible and poignant and beautiful and awful. And just like real life, its a trade-off that sucks.
Sigh.
Posted by madchen at 11:29 PM | Comments (1)March 04, 2007
Brave New World
Two new things...
First, I got a Blackberry today and it has opened my eyes about how absolutely medieval my life has been. I held out for a good two years after iPods came out, and I held out as long as humanly possible for the Blackberry. And after both purchases I have immediately thought: WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG?
Second, I had a long conversation with Mr. Pilot today*, who pointed out that blogging about him without his knowledge was a really terrible thing to do.** When we first had the conversation about it and he showed irritation, I had a very "if you don't like it, deal with it" sort of reaction, and then tonight I had the opposite reaction and burst into tears (twice--it was very awkward) and decided that I was a very terrible person for doing it.
Now that I've had a couple of hours to think about it, I do think that I probably should have a better system for blogging about the men in my life. For instance, I went back and read all the emails that mention Mr. Pilot, and I realize that while very few of them are explicitly negative about him (rather, they make me look like a lovesick idiot who can't read any male signals), it wasn't really fair to be introducing him to my friends (who read the blog) without him knowing that I was writing about him.
It's one thing to write about guys who will never meet any of my friends, or to write about people who know I blog about them and like it (Mr. FWB falls into this category)--but what about people that I might want to have a meaningful relationship with? And how should I proceed now with Mr. Pilot? Should I even be writing this entry now that I know he doesn't like it when I mention him?
I had often been warned that my blogging style was going to get me in trouble--but it was usually in regards to being able to run for public office. Now I realize that it's so much more personal than that, and I'm left wondering how to make this right...
Option #1: Take down the whole website and start again at Write Again Soon, writing only things that are appropriate for audiences of all ages and eschewing any personal information. Boring, and who would read it?
Option #2: Take down the whole website and start a new, completely anonymous blog with the same type of content. The "writing it all down" part really is like therapy, and I would be sad not to do it anymore...but I would be sad to lose my loyal readers by switching everything up.
Option #3: Take down the entries with potentially awkward entries, and be forthcoming about my blogging with everyone from now on. Sigh, what a pain in the ass.
Option #4: Leave everything as is, and try to be more sensitive in the future.
I'm leaning towards #4, mostly because I'm lazy. But dear reader, if YOU were the person being written about, what would YOU want?***
*In the last couple of weeks we have decided to start again on a clean slate. A lot of that has been dealing with our past (why he didn't call, why I am mean and sarcastic), and it's weird to think that we talk now WAY more than we ever did...perhaps because I was always mean and sarcastic...
**He doesn't know the blog address, just that I posted the "open letter" and his response verbatim. He was NOT pleased at all.
***Should I give Mr. Pilot the web address and let him satiate his curiosity? Or is it better to just let it go? I can't decide.
Posted by madchen at 09:55 PM | Comments (3)March 03, 2007
Mistakes Were Made, People Were Hurt
Last night I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. While I normally consider myself a level-headed, even-keeled sort of girl, I have a bit of an Achilles' heel when it comes to boys. And approximately 24 hours ago, I paid a steep price for that weakness.
That's right, dear reader, at the suggestion of Mr. Pilot, I saw Ghost Rider. And I will never be the same.
Mr. Pilot and I walked out of the theatre stunned, dazed, and incredulous. It was, by far, the worst movie we have EVER seen. In fact, we spend a solid hour afterwards, and a good hour today, trying to think of worse movies--the closest I could come was Snake Eyes, also starring Nicolas Cage. (Coindicence? You decide...)
Mostly, we were surprised that we didn't know it was going to be atrocious before we walked into the movie. Mr. Pilot and I are both pop culture junkies, and yet somehow we missed this bomb. Mr. Pilot blames Anna Nicole for diverting media attention away, and has even postulated that Nick Cage had a hand in her death solely in order to get a second week as the #1 movie in America.
We looked up critical reviews last night, which confirmed that weren't alone in thinking Ghost Rider is an abomination. Here are a few choice statements:
I kept hoping the Scooby Doo gang would come out, rip the mask off of Cage and reveal Ghost Rider really is crazy old man Ben Affleck! That would explain so much. -- Willie Waffle, WaffleMovies.com
It's easy to imagine why Cage would want to write a couple of his own lines. After all, you'd tell Dr. Kevorkian you could take your own temperature, right? -- Mike Ward, Richmond.com
For years scientists have theorized that one day Nicolas Cage would overact so badly that his head would burst into flames. Now, with Ghost Rider, the phenomenon has finally come to pass...When in the presence of evil, Johnny's skin melts off his face and his skull is engulfed with the unquenchable flame of damnation. Compared to the audience, Johnny gets off easy. -- Phil Villarreal, Arizona Daily Star
The blank, frenetic exhaustion of the final reel acts like a kid who tries to snap out of a candy-binge coma by snorting lines of Pixy Stix. -- Nathan Lee, Village Voice
Ghost Rider reportedly cost $120 million to make. But the resulting cheesy CGI effects, bad sets and music and mugging by the actors, especially Cage, suggest you spent your life's savings and ended up with a Yugo. -- James Verniere, Boston Herald
Frankly, the best thing about the movie was Eva Mendez's breasts, which although lovingly flaunted in each scene, were not enough to compensate for the pure agony that was every second of that bloated, horrific experience.
Posted by madchen at 11:49 PM | Comments (0)March 02, 2007
Recovery
I had no idea how much effort the task of not thinking about the fact that I probably had cancer was taking on my life. A month of trying to live normally, juggling the Big Idea and my fledgling social life, was hard enough. But throw in multiple doctors' appointments, medical bill stress, the wondering who should I tell?--and it was quite a handful.
Since Monday, I've basically collapsed into a nest consisting of my bed, lots of pillows, and my never-ending book club selection (Lolita--which I still haven't managed to finish). Occasionally I have meandered downstairs to watch some television, but mostly I've stumbled through my workday at half speed, sneaking in a nap whenever possible.
Today is the first time that I woke up with some energy, and realized JUST HOW MUCH WORK HAS PILED UP. I'm two days past the IRS filing deadline for my consultant's 1099s, I haven't taken out the trash in weeks, I'm scheduled to give a Big Idea "webinar" in a couple hours, and Mr. Pilot is coming over this afternoon when I really should be cancelling on him to catch up on all the hundreds of other things that take precedence.
But I'm not going to. Nope, I'm giving myself one more afternoon of avoiding the inevitable. Let the cards fall where they may.
Posted by madchen at 11:32 AM | Comments (1)
