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February 27, 2007
Cancer Free
For Valentine's Day, some women get flowers. Some women get chocolates. Some women even get lingerie. I got cervical cancer.
Or so I thought.
Six weeks of tests and $1500 in medical bills later, it turns out that the first test--the one that showed incontrovertable evidence of cancerous changes in my cervix...well, they were just plain wrong. It turns out, in fact, that my cervix (picture it, dear readers, in all it's cervical glory) is as healthy as an 28-year old virgin.
I'm consumed by mixed feelings--of immense relief and growing suspicion that the first doctor I saw (who was sketchy in SO MANY WAYS) is to blame for this colossal mix-up. After all, if he would lie to my face about the effectiveness of generic birth control pills (his actual words: "generics have 40% less of the active ingredient, so you will probably get pregnant--here, try Yasmin"), why wouldn't he mess around with the test results in order to rack up another thousand dollars in fees?
I celebrated with an injection of Gardasil, and a decision to take my newly-polished cervix out for a spin. And in a fun example of two worlds colliding, it also turns out that I don't need to see Mr. FWB and Mr. Pilot separately, because they are quite pleased to see me at the same time. Bwa-ha-ha.
So that ends the little saga of personal health--we'll now return to our usual story line: boys, the Big Idea, and why I am going to die alone (but apparently, with a healthy cervix).
Comments
Congratulations on discovering that your doctor is a quack; I'm glad that all is well.
And remember, birth control in any form is a sin. Abstinence with a side of The Rhythm Method seems to work wonders though.
Posted by: jason at February 27, 2007 06:53 PM
I am thrilled to hear this news.
Now isn't Mr. Pilot a bag of surprises?
Posted by: La at February 28, 2007 07:29 AM
Let us all breathe a big sigh of relief!!!
But just as a public health reminder for all readers, if you get Gardasil (the HPV vaccine) as a s*xually active adult, you still need to have Pap smears yearly, because you may already have the cancer-causing HPV strain from earlier activity. There are almost 100 types of HPV, so it's very likely that almost everyone reading this has a strain, but only a few lead to cervical or an*l cancer. So if you get the shot, still get a Pap!
Posted by: elizabeth at February 28, 2007 02:56 PM
Great news. Stick a cold speculum up that docs ass for scaring us.
Posted by: Mr. PHS at February 28, 2007 05:39 PM
I am extremely pleased to hear this news.
(about the cancer, that is... I am trying to get the image of Pilot+FWB+Writeagainsoon out of my head)
Posted by: Bastish at March 1, 2007 07:25 AM
