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November 14, 2006
China--Day Four**
**Alternative title: Disillusionment
I just finished the second (and final) day of the Big Idea workshop. After all the work I put into it, and all the stress associated with the project, and all the anticipation of coming to Shanghai, and all the tension about whether or not I could perform up to everyone's standards, I feel like I might have a nervous breakdown.
It's all over now, and I'm drained, exhausted, and perhaps on the verge of tears. Overall I think it went well, and I think there is a fair chance that the company will invite me back for another round in the spring. And in general, the evalutation forms were complimentary--but certainly not outstanding. In fact, there was one participant who even marked "disagree" on the item "workshop leader is knowledgable about the subject matter". And another person marked "disagree" on the item "workshop leader has an effective presenation style". Harumph. It's those comments that make the 90% of the favorable replies feel like cheap pity scores, when I know that I did a damn fine job considering all the factors at play.
I remember feeling the same way after finishing up teaching a class while I was in grad school. There was such a feeling of relief when the semester was over, and yet knowing that the comments would inevitably include some poor scores (after all, I am not a natural teacher) made me feel like the whole thing was a waste of my time (and everyone else's). In this case, however, I was MUCH better prepared, and I know deep down that some of the criticism is really a reflection of the company who hired me (and who told me how to approach the topic) and not me. But right now it's a very lonely feeling, and I'm tempted to take the rest of the evening and just feel sorry for myself.
On the other hand, I'm meeting the a representative from the company for dinner in 20 minutes, so perhaps I better cram all my self pity into the next 15 minutes, so I have 5 minutes to recover and put on a fresh coat of make-up before the evening meal. (Incidentally, I will be going on a strict diet when I return--I have been stuffed full of delicious Chinese fare every 20 minutes by various hospitable guests, and it is definitely showing.)
I'm sure the payment (in cash!) will help me feel better about myself. And if that doesn't work, I suppose I can always go downstairs to the spa for another round of breast massage.
Update: It's true, having thousands of dollars in your purse DOES make a person feel better! And the host of the workshop was very complimentary about my role as a workshop leader. So all is well again, and I think I may take the rest of the night off from the Big Idea and try to get back on track with my NaNoWriMo project--which is WOEFULLY out of date.
