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April 28, 2006
Insta-Poll
How do we feel about "friends with benefits"? Just this morning I was made a very nice offer, and I'm just not sure how to respond. On the one hand, I am very tempted. On the other hand, well, I am VERY tempted.
Here's the email train: (Parents, avert your eyes.)
(Deleted chatty introduction) So... how would you feel about a "friends with benefits" arrangement between you and me?(Follow-up email that crosses paths with my response below) PS. I realize that my question is not the ideal question to ask an intelligent, sexy, witty, caring girl like yourself, and I hope you do not take offense to it.
(Deleted chatty response) My initial reaction to your very lovely offer is "I can't believe you are sending emails with the term *friends with benefits* from your work account." My second reaction is *hmm, interesting*. Call me to discuss. There are terms to work out, you know? Such as, how often can I expect you to put out?
You're funny. I like you! :)
It's true. Not only am I an "intelligent, sexy, witty, caring girl", I'm also quite amusing at times. And I'm also a [obscenely inappropriate sentiment deleted here to preserve my chances for a successful run at the Presidency].
Thoughts, dear reader?
Update: In a strange turn of events, I just got a voicemail from Mr. Border Collie (which I will not return because I'm a mean and shallow person). I must be sending out some sort of vibe.
Posted by madchen at 10:05 AM | Comments (12)April 27, 2006
The World Around
Exciting* things abound:
Bastish is making life-altering decisions
El Guapo has found true love, albeit with a Republican.
Maryment has kicked a Congresswoman.
NYC Rouge has launched Phase III of Find the Lesbians.
And me? I've spent the morning sneezing. Here is a snapshot:
8:47 - 3 times.
8:49 - 2 times.
8:54 - 3 times.
9:07 - 9:09 - 10 times.
9:17 - 2 times.
(insert slight break where I hardly dared to breathe)
9:42 - four times.
9:49 - 9:51 - seven times.
I believe it might be time to take some Claritin, otherwise known as nectar of the Gods. And also time to explore the question, how much snot can a human produce an hour? Because I think I might be a candidate for the Guiness Book of World Records. I'm lucky--if sneezing was a military weapon, NSA would have whisked me away years ago.
* Kevin is a pot calling the kettle black.
Posted by madchen at 09:49 AM | Comments (3)April 26, 2006
It's Driving Me Crazy
Is there a word other than "one" that begins with the letter "o" where the pronunciation is "whuh"?
Is there? It's been keeping me up at night.
Posted by madchen at 04:28 PM | Comments (3)April 23, 2006
A Woman's Work...
...is to attend bridal showers every spring.
The real focus of this weekend was Welcome Home Furniture, an event created to bring my long-lost furniture (loaned to Ms. Red during my Sweden sojourn) to my parents' house in preparation for Ms. Red's own move to Sweden (totally unrelated to my own Sverige experience). I will say this: having several guys to help with the moving process is ESSENTIAL. If it had been left to just the girls, we'd probably still be standing in the hallway, wondering how to fit the sofa into the elevator.
Saturday, I spend the afternoon at Ms. Wish to See's bridal shower, where I was surrounded by women and gifts and cake fondant. Aside from the drenching rain I had to run through to retrieve my car for the ride home, it was a delightful day--ending with a visit from Ms. Red, a viewing of the movie Crash (strange and unsettling, yet a little too over-the-top), and a rousing game of spades.
Today, I'm enjoying the benefits of a newly arranged furniture ensemble, thanks to Ms. Red's skills in bookcase assembly. I have a new desk (it used to be my dining room table, but has been temporarily reassigned) set up in the corner of my bedroom, with lots of room for Big Idea paperwork. A small cat is snuggled into the cat furniture thing (I still have no good name for it) next to the desk. The windows are open and my sneezing associated with the fresh breeze is undeterring.
All is right with the world.
Posted by madchen at 04:45 PM | Comments (1)April 19, 2006
Things I Hate: Stepping In Pee
This past weekend the whole family was here at the house. With both parents, two daughters, and one small, spoiled child on the top floor, it was inevitable that something like this would happen.
Sometime during the middle of the night, I stumbled to the bathroom. In the hallway I thought my pinky toe felt a little wet--but I didn't think much of it. Stepping into the bathroom, my foot hit a definite puddle. A yellow puddle. Irritated, but with a bladder issue myself, I stepped onto the bathmat, next to a tiny pair of pajama bottoms--abandoned on the floor. These pajamas were sopping wet, and I reflectively hopped to the side, landing square on a pair of white-turned-yellow socks.
Still half asleep, I completed my task in the bathroom and stumbled back to bed--dealing with the puddles the next morning. Later that day, I found Janie and Jess sitting in the sunroom, happily watching the television. Our converation went like this:
Me: (Rhetorically) Whose pair of pee-soaked pajama bottoms did I find in my bathroom?
Janie: (Innocently) Were they yours?
Me: No. Who do you think they belonged to?
Janie: (Still innocently) Who do you think? Me?
Me: (Sarcastically) I don't know. What do you think?
Janie: (Looking directly at me) Were they little?
Jessica: Janie, did you pee on Aunt Jen's bathroom floor?
Janie: (Looking away) I don't remember.
Posted by madchen at 11:27 PM | Comments (1)April 18, 2006
Mr. Ambivalent
In the new fiscal smackdown that is my life, I've decided to cut back on some of my normal expenditures.
Poof! There goes my Audible subscription--no more audiobooks for me.
Poof! There goes my internet dating subscription--no more iDates for me.
Not that there isn't residual entertainment value for the remaining days of my subscription. I contacted most of the guys I'd been matched up with, saying that I was going to let my account lapse but if they wanted to get together, they could call or email me directly. And what did I receive back, but the following message from Mr. Ambivalent.
Hi Ms. Write Again Soon,
I hope you are doing well and having a good week.
Thanks for the contact information I appreciate it. The only thing is I suspect that I'm probably not the one for you. I guess you really never know till you try but my sense is I'm not. Right now I've been so focused on making my business work and I even sometimes do a part time job some nights so I can pay my expenses without having to rely on withdrawing money from my trading account.
But who knows, you seem like a really cool person.
Mr. Ambivalent
How could I not fall instantly in love with such determination, such stauch support for our flowering romance? How could I not immediately write back and try to convince him that I am, indeed, the One? How could I not insist that we go out, and even offer to pay so that he could keep his trading account intact?
Dear reader, somehow I managed.
Posted by madchen at 11:56 PM | Comments (1)April 17, 2006
Books I Read This Spring
A Good Place for the Night
by Savyon Liebrecht
Publishers Weekly: This collection by one of Israel's most popular authors turns upon issues of family, place and disconnection, and the stories have the dreamy, evocative smoothness of underwater films. Hadassah, whose mother moves with another woman's husband and daughter to the U.S. when Haddassah is young, narrates "America." Her observation, on the day her mother leaves, that she "was frightened by the unfamiliar sensations flooding me, as if I'd lost my old place and still didn't have a new one" is a representative sentiment of the collection, as the protagonist in each story grapples with emotional and geographical dislocation. Disorientation afflicts Liebrecht's characters from the Israeli reporter in Munich to cover a Nazi war trial ("Munich") to the mentally handicapped man trying to make a life among unsympathetic members of a kibbutz ("Kibbutz"). In the last and finest story, "A Good Place for the Night," a woman struggles to survive in an unnamed place virtually destroyed by a nuclear catastrophe. The permanent unsettledness of Israel is exported and globalized here; no matter where Liebrecht's characters go or what they do, they are never yet truly at home.
My Review: This was a hard book to read, because the writing style made me work to follow along. I thought that some of the stories were more captivating than others, but perhaps that was because I was reading them late at night when I wasn't as attentive as I might have been. On the other hand, I have found myself thinking about each of the stories days later, so it clearly touched me despite the challenging material.
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What We Believe but Cannot Prove : Today's Leading Thinkers on Science in the Age of Certainty
by John Brockman
Publishers Weekly: The title's question was posed on Edge.org (an online intellectual clearing house), challenging more than 100 intellectuals of every stripe—from Richard Dawkins to Ian McEwan—to confess the personal theories they cannot demonstrate with certainty. The results, gathered by literary agent and editor Brockman, is a stimulating collection of micro-essays (mainly by scientists) divulging many of today's big unanswered questions reaching across the plane of human existence. Susan Blackmore, a lecturer on evolutionary theory, believes "it is possible to live happily and morally without believing in free will," and Daniel Goleman believes children today are "unintended victims of economic and technological progress." Other beliefs are more mundane and one is highly mathematically specific. Many contributors open with their discomfort at being asked to discuss unproven beliefs, which itself is an interesting reflection of the state of science. The similarity in form and tone of the responses makes this collection most enjoyable in small doses, which allow the answers to spark new questions and ideas in the reader's mind. It's unfortunate that the tone of most contributions isn't livelier and that there aren't explanations of some of the more esoteric concepts discussed; those limitations will keep these adroit musings from finding a wider audience.
My Review: It's true that a handful of the essays were completely beyond my ken, but the vast majority of them were a fascinating glimpse into what the world's most prominent scientists are thinking about. I was a little disappointed that so few women and international voices were heard, but I suppose that reflects the nature of the "top scientific leaders (who can write in fluent English)" gets you. Also noted: these essays can be read for free at www.edge.org.
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Locked Rooms
by Laurie R. King
Publishers Weekly: In her last outing, The Game (2004), Mary Russell and her husband, Sherlock Holmes, traveled to India on a case of geopolitical significance, but in the richly imagined eighth novel in this acclaimed series, set in San Francisco in 1922, Russell undertakes a far more personal investigation. Since she began her journey back to her hometown—ostensibly to deal with her father's estate—Russell has been tormented by strange dreams, one of which involves the "locked rooms" of the title, and the sight of her San Francisco childhood home opens a flood of memories and emotions, most of which she's loathe to allow into her über-rational mind. When someone takes a shot at her, Holmes enlists the help of Pinkerton agent Dashiell Hammett and Russell tries to unlock her past, in particular the "accident" that killed her family and left her an orphan in 1914. King's re-creation of San Francisco, especially the backstory during the devastating 1906 earthquake, is superb, and it's a pleasure to see the unusually competent Russell struggling with her own psyche. The plot may be a bit thin, but the narrative has real momentum, the characters are engaging and the prose, as always, is intelligent, evocative and graceful.
My Review: This is the latest edition of the Russell-Holmes series and I'm sad to think that I'll have to wait months (maybe even years) until the next one comes out. I *heart* Mary Russell.
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Snow Flower and the Secret Fan
by Lisa See
Publishers Weekly: See's engrossing novel set in remote 19th-century China details the deeply affecting story of lifelong, intimate friends (laotong, or "old sames") Lily and Snow Flower, their imprisonment by rigid codes of conduct for women and their betrayal by pride and love. While granting immediacy to Lily's voice, See (Flower Net) adroitly transmits historical background in graceful prose. Her in-depth research into women's ceremonies and duties in China's rural interior brings fascinating revelations about arranged marriages, women's inferior status in both their natal and married homes, and the Confucian proverbs and myriad superstitions that informed daily life. Beginning with a detailed and heartbreaking description of Lily and her sisters' foot binding ("Only through pain will you have beauty. Only through suffering will you have peace"), the story widens to a vivid portrait of family and village life. Most impressive is See's incorporation of nu shu, a secret written phonetic code among women—here between Lily and Snow Flower—that dates back 1,000 years in the southwestern Hunan province ("My writing is soaked with the tears of my heart,/ An invisible rebellion that no man can see"). As both a suspenseful and poignant story and an absorbing historical chronicle, this novel has bestseller potential and should become a reading group favorite as well.
My Review: We'll see if the book is a reading group favorite, because we're scheduled to discuss it on Tuesday night. Personally, I enjoyed it but wasn't engrossed. I've read my fair share of Chinese fiction (Amy Tan, Ha Jin, etc.) and I've gotten the whole "women who have no independence outside the home find strength in their relationships with other women" thing.
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Somebody's Heart Is Burning : A Woman Wanderer in Africa
by Tanya Shaffer
Publishers Weekly: Shaffer's vivid travel memoir captures scenes of Kenya, Mali and, most notably, Ghana, rarely seen by American tourists. Fleeing a marriage proposal from her boyfriend in California, Shaffer, a white 27-year-old upper-middle-class performance artist with progressive politics, decides to travel, choosing to participate in various volunteer efforts in order to spend more time and less money in Africa. Her tales are rich in visual and cultural explication; villages and hamlets too tiny for names come to hot, vibrant, scent-laden, insect-thrumming life as Shaffer depicts the dailiness of African culture and the struggle to subsist. The unrelenting heat, ubiquitous disease and economic chaos make Africans eager to leave. Unfortunately, racism and privilege underlie Shaffer's travelogue, and she does not fully address either. In one of the book's best chapters, Shaffer meets Nadhiri, a black separatist from Berkeley with whom she does a complex sociopolitical dance in which Nadhiri's prejudice is revealed, but Shaffer's own motives are not. Throughout, Shaffer notes the bigotry of Africans toward African-Americans, but never her possible own. Nor does she explore the reality of grinding African poverty in comparison to her own relatively immense privilege. Regrettably, no coda follows Shaffer's compelling memoir. In the end, Shaffer battles malaria, leaving readers caught in her febrile dreams of Africa and her California lover, wishing the author had deepened her reportage.
My Review: I could not disagree more with the "official" review. I thought the beauty of the writing was that it left the reader to ask the question "how would I have reacted in this situation". Perhaps it's because I fall into the "white 27-year-old upper-middle-class performance artist with progressive politics" (all except the performance artist part, admittedly) category a little too perfectly, but I thought the memoir was superbly written.
No More Moping
After a self-indulgent holiday weekend (and happy birthday to Janie, who is now 5 years old), I am ready to shed the moping image and get on with life. The Big Idea will be in full swing this week, and a variety of social activities over the past few days has shown me that life can indeed go on without men, however Cool they may be.
Onward and upward!
Posted by madchen at 11:09 AM | Comments (1)April 13, 2006
Clearly the screening process is not too rigorous
Here are a few of the more "not my type" people I've been matched up with through my internet dating account:
Mr. Sing-a-long
The one thing he is most passionate about: "Expressing myself through song, both on stage and in church. I feel most fulfilled when I am able to connect emotionally to a song, and express that through performance, whether it is to one person or 400 people."
Mr. I'm a Catch
The one thing he wishes MORE people would notice about him is: "For the available ladies... that I'm single and one of the best catches you'll find out there. Someone will be lucky once she finds me and in more ways than she can imagine."
The last book he read and enjoyed: "I don't find pleasure in reading books. They put me to sleep in a heartbeat."
Posted by madchen at 12:15 PM | Comments (3)Ode to a Lost (and Found) Cat
Dear Madchen,
When I woke up this morning at the crack of dawn (well, 8 a.m.) I had no idea that I would waste my morning searching for you, my cheerful-and-dumb 19-pound cat. My cat with an affinity for the great outdoors.
The Salvation Army was kind enough to haul away most of my bedroom furniture, making room for Ms. Red's furniture (well, my-furniture-that-Ms.-Red-borrowed-while-I-was-in-Sweden) to arrive next weeend. Unfortunately, they propped the front door open during the trips back and forth to the truck. When I saw that, I knew there was going to be trouble.
I remember the last time you escaped into the wild, an overnight adventure I was sure would end with your limp body being dragged into the woods by a happy fox. Upon finally finding you crouching in the bushes, I was none too pleased that I had to crawl in the brambles and pull you out--I mean, you are no spry thing, and my knees were bleeding before the adventure was over.
And yet this morning, the initial search of the yard proved nothing. Janie and I scoured the house to make sure you weren't hiding somewhere, checking under all the beds and in all the closets, opening all the doors to check that you weren't trapped. Yes, you were definitely outside.
Several times over the next 3 hours, I alternately searched the house and the yard, even going so far as to brave the poison ivy in the woods. And nothing. So when I sat down to eat a chocolate chip pancake on the front porch and watch Janie chase after bubbles in the yard, imagine my irritation when you suddenly appeared on the other side of the glass door, lolling on your back with all four paws in the air as if to say "gee, this hardwood floor is nice".
Frankly, I have no idea where you managed to tuck your rather rotund body to avoid notice. Casting my mind back, I remember no suspicious lumps under the bedclothes, no extra "pillow" on the couch. You, my dear Madchen, are a wonder.
And you're on your own the next time someone leaves the front door open.
Posted by madchen at 11:34 AM | Comments (0)April 12, 2006
Put Your Head On My Shoulder
Geez, I'm a mess. Multiple times today I've found myself on the verge of tears--and not just a single teardrop, oh no. I attribute it to a combination of factors:
1. A lack of sleep last night.
2. The pollen in the air, which makes my eyes more sensitive in general.
3. An overall feeling of worthlessness.*
Yes, dear readers, I've been feeling sorry for myself. It's very, very sad. And yet, there it is.
Not that I haven't been productive, having several Big Idea meetings (and working for an additional 5 hours on various Big Idea projects), meeting Ms. ADA for coffee and a pep talk, going to the gym, and completing a massive overhaul of my room so that the Salvation Army can remove several large pieces of furniture tomorrow (leaving me with no dressed for another week).
You'd think with all that activity I could at least make it through the day without a nervous breakdown. And I suppose I have--barely. But I've had to clamp down on the eye welling during each of the following events:
1. Driving home from the gym this morning, realizing it's been 7 years since my last serious relationship.
2. Taking a shower and noticing that there is mold starting to grow on the shower curtain.
3. Realizing I couldn't make a deposit because I couldn't remember my bank account number.
4. When my dad said he didn't want to play tennis this evening.
5. When the printer downstairs reversed the printing on the envelope and letter, forcing me to repeat the task.
6. When I was cleaning my room and kicked up some dust, making me sneeze like a banshee with a cold.
Ok, that last one could have happened to anyone, but taken in combination with the others, I'm in a sad state of affairs. Normally, I'd do a little retail therapy--but I've decided to buckle down with my finances (another reason to cry). So instead, I'll just sit in bed and read a book.
God, that's depressing.
* Admittedly, this third categoy outweighs the other two by a factor of--oh, let me think--thirty-hundred-bazillion. And no, there are no hormonal issues contributing to my malaise, thank you very much. I'm on this plummeting roller coaster all by my poor little self.
Posted by madchen at 11:42 PM | Comments (0)Plans for the Summer
Now that spring is finally here (as I sit next to my open window and sneeze every 2 minutes), it's time to start making some goals for the warmer months of 2006.
I'll start with my list of 50 Things To Do Before I Die. It looks like the following might be possible without too much of a reach:
3. Go skinny-dipping in the ocean
8. Sleep under the stars
23. Make ice cream by hand
31. Visit a vinyard
Given that I have approximately 50 more years to finish the list, I don't feel the need to be more ambitious. But certainly there are other things that will need to be done--mainly related to the Big Idea. For one thing, I made my first really significant Big Idea-related expenditure last week (an advertising postcard) and I'm a bit anxious to see if there is any interest from the target audience. And of course, the Big Idea commitment date is July--when I'll decide how to manage the rest of my life. No pressure.
Posted by madchen at 01:58 PM | Comments (0)#10 -- Kiss a Girl
April 11, 2006
When the Other Shoe Drops
Dear Mr Cool,
When we parted on Sunday night, I had a nice feeling in the pit of my stomach. You seemed like such a nice guy--we had such great conversation and it seemed like you FINALLY gave the "yes I'm interested" signal. And yet...why was I not surprised to get an email from you this morning with a quite different intent?
...To be honest, I probably should not hang out with you too much, as I began seeing someone a month or so ago, and it has recently been expressed to me that my hanging out with other girls is not appreciated. :) I guess timing really is everything, huh....
Hmm, was the sentiment expressed BEFORE you kissed me on the porch? What does "not hang out with you TOO much" mean? Why did you follow up that excerpt with "let me know what you think of the movie" [which you can't see with me because your girlfriend wouldn't approve]?
Why does it always seem to end like this?
Posted by madchen at 11:28 AM | Comments (4)April 10, 2006
So much to say, so little time
In my habit of overbooking events, I have had a very busy week. And while I'd love to write a witty entry about each one, I think it will be more expedient to just lump them all into one.
First, I saw Yo-Yo Ma at the Kennedy Center on Tuesday with my family. He played the Bach cello suites, which I just adore, and several encores from the Silk Road/Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon era. It was part of the "birthday for dad" extravaganza, which also included a new iPod and a very abstract discussion about why there is no "stop" on iTunes. Somehow, the concept that you don't *need* to stop, since "pause" works just as well doesn't translate to the older generations.
On Thursday night I went to the American Rights at Work award dinner with Ms. ADA, where I mingled with the union and pro-labor movement crowd, saw Danny Glover, Senator Edwards, and Tom Morello (of Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave fame). And because I'm so lucky, I even won a prize in the raffle--a very sleek Razr phone and pre-paid phone card. Of course, I already have a phone (with a 2-year Verizon contract), and what I really want is a Treo, so I'll be making someone very happy on their birthday.
Yesterday was another busy one. I had a Big Idea conference call in the morning, then met up with Mr. XXXXX* for lunch and a movie (V for Vendetta)--which I found entertaining, but puzzling at the end. Dear reader, if you have seen the movie and would like to straighten me out about the identity of V, please do so.
From there I betook myself to Alexandria for a "naughty girl" party (click here if you are over 18 and NOT my mother or father). It's rather like a tupperware party, but with *other* goods for sale. Quite fun.
From there I hopped back up to D.C. for Ms. Wish to See's bachelorette party. I cheerfully partook of stupid games (although getting the smeared whip cream out of the crotch of my jeans today proved to be more than I bargained for) and enjoyed karaoke at Peyote Cafe. I managed to kiss someone with the "Plague of Death" (picture forthcoming) and now have my fingers crossed that I don't catch ill.
A sleepover at Ms. Red's finished off the night, and the morning dawned bright and sunny--and with Ms. Signe reaping the consequences of her nightof heavy drinking. Poor thing--Mr. Signe had to come fetch her back home, while I threw on a sweatshirt and hurried back home to prepare for my 3rd date with Mr. Cool.
It started off promisingly, with Mr. Cool arriving to pick me up for dinner in Bethesda. From there we drove down to the 930 Club to see Neko Case and Martha Wainwright. The music was great, and Mr. Cool and I had an easy repore. At the same time, it was REALLY difficult (once again) to get a read on whether he was just being friendly, or if he was interested. There were signs everywhere, but they all conflicted. Reaching around to make sure I could see the stage--good. Noting that he had a meeting at 9 a.m. that he wasn't prepared for--bad. Sigh.
Fortunately, it all worked out in the end, when Mr. Cool agreed to come inside for a minute after driving me home. God bless the man for making the first move. I'll spare you the details, dear reader, but I assure you they were more sweet than shocking.
So to sum up, I've gotten more action this weekend than the WHOLE rest of the year combined. April is being very, very good to me. And what a nice way to start the week!
*Hmm, I don't think I have a name for him, and after 30 seconds of reflection I'm still at a loss.
Posted by madchen at 12:01 AM | Comments (2)April 06, 2006
The Enemy's Lair
Last night, I went to the 2006 Sea Air Space Expo Banquet, hosted by the Navy League. In case you've never been to one of these events, dear reader, let me tell you a bit about it.
Basically all the military-industrial complex bigwigs are there, showing off their latest designs for "the war on terror"--and by that I mean "how to blow up the most people at a time". All the players attend--Boeing, Raytheon, Lockheed, Halliburton, etc. They hand out little door prizes and the alcohol flows freely, setting off a chain of events that results in people (ok, *me*) wandering around aimlessly with a drink in one hand and the other hand grasping for Godiva chocolates, tiny keyring mag-lites, a mini-mouse, snazzy calculators, 18-piece tool sets, an infrared mousepad USB hub, dozens of chocolate gold coins, pens, stuffed animals (winner of the 2006 irony prize was a company that was giving away stuffed baby seals), and fleece blankets. And I haven't even gotten to the part where the industry reps shower you with mardi gras beads (complete with blinking American flag trinkets attached) and long stemmed roses.
While the technology is admittedly cool (you could sit in a pretend helicopter and try to land on a moving aircraft carrier), it was a little disconcerting to be around so many people who thought 50mm calibre rounds were the best thing since sliced bread. This is not to say, however, that I didn't heartily greet the SAAB guys and try out my Swedish phrases. And it didn't take much convincing for my partner-in-crime (my normally staid father) to join in their delightful vodka shots.
For the banquet part of the meal (the above description was just the pre-dinner festivities), we were seated with a table with some industry guys who had "sponsored" the table for what I can only assume was an extravagent price. The irony of it was (as if *me* being at this event wasn't irony enough) that this particular company was one that had threatened a libel lawsuit against my previous employer when we announced in a press release that we didn't consider them "socially responsible". I managed to keep my mouth shut for the whole meal, but shared an "inside" chuckle later on.
In the end, I went home with a bag of loot and a couple of sore feet. (My plan to "have another glass of wine, and maybe a glass of champagne, and--oh--isn't that a vodka shot?" as a means to dull the foot pain really just made me question whether is wasn't really okay to just take the shoes off entirely and go barefoot.) And so for all my general holier-than-thou attitude towards the conservative, pro-military attitude, I find myself typing this entry using my fancy new Raytheon mousepad with my L3 Communications mini-mouse, all while munching on some Boeing chocolate, snuggled under my Halliburton subsidiary fleece blanket.
Thank you, taxpayers.
Posted by madchen at 10:47 PM | Comments (2)April 03, 2006
The Holy Grail of TQM
Via Spoonfighter:
God’s Total Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
Newspaper
Bible
Torah
Book of Mormon
Koran
Other Book
Television
Divine Inspiration
Word of mouth
Dead Sea scrolls
My mama done tol’ me
Near Death Experience
National Public Radio
Tabloid
Burning Shrubbery
Who?
Other (specify):
2. Which model God did you acquire?
Yahweh
Jehovah
Allah
Just plain God
Krishna
Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
Yes/No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. (Please check all that apply.)
Not eternal
Not omniscient
Not omnipotent
Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
Permits sex outside of marriage
Prohibits sex outside of marriage
Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
When beseeched, doesn’t stay beseeched
Requires burnt offerings
Requires virgin sacrifices
Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? (Please check all that apply.)
Indoctrinated by parents
Needed a reason to live
Indoctrinated by society
Needed target for rage
Imaginary friend grew up
Hate to think for self
Wanted to meet girls/boys
Fear of death
To piss off parents
Needed a day away from work
Enjoy organ music
Needed focus on whom to despise
Needed to feel morally superior
Graduated from the tooth fairy
My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? (Please check all that apply.)
Self-help books
Tarot, Astrology
Star Trek re-runs
Fortune cookies
Ann Landers
Psychic Friends Network
Dianetics
Cold fusion
Playboy and/or Playgirl
Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
Biorhythms
Area 57 (Art Bell)
EST
Television
Mantras
Jimmy Swaggart
Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
Human Sacrifice
Wandering around in desert
Burning shrubbery
Other:
6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? Is so, which false God were you fooled by? (Please check all that apply.)
Odin
Cthulhu
Lottery
Baal
Beelzebub
The Almighty Dollar
The Conservative Right
Mick Jagger
Bill Gates
Art Bell
The Great Pumpkin
Ronald Reagan
A burning cabbage
Mushrooms
Other:
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Would you prefer (circle one only)
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don’t know - what’s Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God’s handling of the following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent)
Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 Flood
1 2 3 4 5 Famine
1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 War
1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 Plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship
1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship
Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship
1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship
9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
1 2 3 4 5 God’s Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services? (Attach additional sheet(s) if necessary.)
April 02, 2006
Well, duh.
I just took the Beyond Red vs. B lue Political Typology Test from the Pew Center.
The Political Typology is a longstanding effort to sort voters into homogeneous groups based on their values, political beliefs and party affiliation. The current report is based on a two-part survey of 2,000 Americans interviewed in December 2004, most of whom were recontacted to follow up on current political issues in March 2005. The new analysis divides the American public into nine distinct groups, each with their own unique outlook on politics and the issues of the day. This is the fourth Political Typology study, following previous studies in 1987, 1994 and 1999.
Contrary to the widespread impression of a nation only divided into two unified “red” and “blue” camps, our latest survey finds important cleavages on values and basic attitudes within each party. As a result, both parties face internal challenges as well as opportunities to expand their constituencies. While Republicans have made strong and election-determining inroads among independents, divisions over social and domestic issues may make it difficult for them to consolidate and build upon that advantage. Democrats, however, must deal with a more diverse constituency that is sharply divided on social and cultural values.
By answering two dozen questions, it purports to tell you which of the following nine categories you fall into:
Enterprisers
Social Conservatives
Pro-Government Conservatives
Upbeats
Disaffecteds
Conservative Democrats
Disadvantaged Democrats
Liberals
Bystanders
Not surprisingly, I was deemed a Liberal. Here is my profile:
Based on your answers to the questionnaire, you most closely resemble survey respondents within the Liberal typology group. This does not mean that you necessarily fit every group characteristic or agree with the group on all issues.
Liberals represent 17 percent of the American public, and 19 percent of registered voters.
Basic Description
This group has nearly doubled in proportion since 1999, Liberals now comprise the largest share of Democrats and is the single largest of the nine Typology groups. They are the most opposed to an assertive foreign policy, the most secular, and take the most liberal views on social issues such as homosexuality, abortion, and censorship. They differ from other Democratic groups in that they are strongly pro-environment and pro-immigration, issues which are more controversial among Conservative and Disadvantaged Democrats.
Defining Values
Strongest preference for diplomacy over use of military force. Pro-choice, supportive of gay marriage and strongly favor environmental protection. Low participation in religious activities. Most sympathetic of any group to immigrants as well as labor unions, and most opposed to the anti-terrorism Patriot Act.
Who They Are
Most (62%) identify themselves as liberal. Predominantly white (83%), most highly educated group (49% have a college degree or more), and youngest group after Bystanders. Least religious group in typology: 43% report they seldom or never attend religious services; nearly a quarter (22%) are seculars. More than one-third never married (36%). Largest group residing in urban areas (42%) and in the western half the country (34%). Wealthiest Democratic group (41% earn at least $75,000).
Lifestyle Notes
Largest group to have been born (or whose parents were born) outside of the U.S. or Canada (20%). Least likely to report having a gun at home (23%) or attending bible study or prayer group meetings (13%).
2004 Election
Bush 2%, Kerry 81%
Party ID
59% Democrat; 40% Independent/No Preference, 1% Republican (92% Dem/Lean Dem)
Media Use
Liberals are second only to Enterprisers in following news about government and public affairs most of the time (60%). Liberals’ use of the internet to get news is the highest among all groups (37%).
Now dear reader, go take the test and tell me what kind of typology you have!
Posted by madchen at 09:03 PM | Comments (5)April 01, 2006
Signs the world is about to end
You walk into the living room and find your father watching 101 Biggest Celebrity Oops! on the E! Channel.
Even more troubling, when he can recite the top 3 biggest celebrity oops. Can YOUR father name them?
I thought not.
Posted by madchen at 09:49 PM | Comments (0)Things I Hate: When I Get On An Airplane...
...and find myself in the window seat, jammed next to you, a guy who can't seem to stay within the proper seat boundaries. Although you are tall, you are certainly not a giant--nor are you overweight. So there is NO reason to spread your legs so that your knee is firmly planted diagonally in the seat in front of me, effectively cutting off any movement of MY legs at all. And there is NO reason to stick your elbow into my ribs for the ENTIRE flight, even after I've conspicuously shifted my body around so that there is no way for you to ignore the sizable mass suddenly attached to that joint.
Monopolize the arm rest.
Fine.
But for the love of all that is holy, STOP jiggling your leg with such force that it reverberates through the knee-to-shoulder body contact we have failed to avoid, because it's JARRING MY TEETH.
And forgive me if I accidentally slam my foot down on your toes when we land. You see, I thought it was safe to place my feet there, seeing as it was well within my 32" of leg room.
Posted by madchen at 02:06 AM | Comments (0)
