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November 03, 2005
Converation with A 4-Year Old
These days, it's difficult to talk on the phone with Janie. For one thing, I'm just Aunt Jen--not the coveted telephone persona known as Grandma. She calls almost every evening, and when I pick up the phone it goes something like this:
"Hello?"
"Where's GRANDMA?"
"Hi there! She's still at work. What are you doing tonight?"
"Why is she still at work?"
"Well, she hasn't gotten home yet. Did you have a good day at school?"
"When is GRANDMA going to be home?"
Yes, dear reader, it is quite disheartening to know that your sole role in your niece's life is to know where Grandma is at every second of the day, and to pass the phone as quickly as possible in her direction when she is home. So when I *do* manage to capture Ms. Janie's attention for a second, I'm desperate to keep it going as long as possible. This tendency usually results in a quick devolution into insanity.
Take, for instance, last night. She called around 6 and we went through the routine above. Then we spend another 10 minutes discussing EXACTLY what I was doing AT THAT EXACT MINUTE. It went something like this:
"What are you doing now?"
"I'm sitting in the living room talking to you on the phone. What are YOU doing now?"
"I'm in the car. What else are you doing?"
"That's all--just sitting in the living room."
"Tell me EXACTLY."
"Well, I was watching television in the sun room when the telephone rang, so I turned off the TV and picked up the phone. When I knew it was you, I walked into the living room and sat on the edge of the couch, so that I could talk to you. Right now I'm sitting in the living room, with my legs crossed, and I'm tapping my foot, and Natasha is sitting next to me. I think she's mad that I woke her up."
"What ELSE are you doing?"
And so it proceeded. There was discussion of what television show I was watching (a DVD of the 4th season of Alias)--and I'd like to see you all try to explain the premise of Sydney Bristow to a 4-year old who has been taught it is wrong to hit and steal and kiss boys.
I could tell her attention was fading, so I whipped out my trump card.
Janie is obsessed with babies. Aside from her collection of dollies, she also would watch A Baby Story all day if we let her. She constantly wants to pretend one of us is pregnant (I made the mistake of acquiesing just ONCE, and now at awkward moments in public she says things like "don't you think there's a baby in your tummy, Aunt Jen"?) and is fascinated with all the technicalities of birth.
Simultaneously, the New Boy (NB) is coming over for lunch with the family on Sunday--and I want to break Janie in to the idea that she needs to be nice to him. So I proceeded carefully:
"Guess what Janie? NB's sister just had a baby TODAY."
[To her mom, driving in the front seat] "Oh, oh, oh! NB's sister had a baby today!!"
[To me] "Who is NB? Is he your boyfriend?"
"Um....well...."
[Shrieking] "Pee-yew, Aunt Jen has a boyfriend!! Pee-yew!!"
[Insert several seconds of general 4-year-old disgust at the idea of boys before returning to the issue at hand]
"Is NB the daddy?"
"What?"
"You know, the sister is the mommy and NB is the daddy!"
"No, no, no, no, no. His sister is married, so she is the mommy, her husband is the daddy, and NB is the uncle."
"And what are you?"
"Hmm, I'm not really anything to that baby."
"Maybe you could be the watcher when the mommy and the daddy aren't there."
"That's true. Maybe I could be the babysitter."
"And what are Grandma and Granddad for?"
[Realizing this is getting ridiculous, and it likely to freakout NB if it comes up on Sunday, but feeling like I have to continue the logic of this conversation...] "Maybe they could watch the baby if NB and I go out on a date."
"Yeah. So where is GRANDMA?"
And so it went.
Comments
NB will love her. If he doesn't he should be OB. That was your funniest BP yet. (BP = Blog Post)
By the way, I don't think you can blame her for a bad phone conversation if *you* are the one to pull the old "I'm talking on the phone to you, that's what I'm doing now" gag. It used to be funny when I was 4, but come one... obviouosly "What are you doing now?" Means "What were you doing before I called you?"
And there is no good reason for you to be watching Alias *again*. There are other shows out there you can watch -they might be just as un-educational, but at least you will be expanding your horizons.
Posted by: gizmo guy at November 4, 2005 06:21 AM
