« Where I Belong | Main | Hate Mail »
August 02, 2005
Tourism in Colombia** - Webring Assignment #1
**The country formerly known to Write Again Soon as Columbia. Hey, it was late, I was tired, and my primary reference is to the "District of", not the country.
Eyes Only
To: President Álvaro URIBE Vélez
From: Jorge Humberto Botero, Minister of Tourism
Date: August 2, 2005
Re: Phase II Talking Points
Dear Sir,
Your esteemed plan to increase tourism in Colombia is working, and we have now launched Phase II. So far, it has received excellent press on CNN. As you will certainly be asked to comment on the strategy, I have prepared a series of talking point—outlined below.
General Safety Concerns in Colombia
• You have had great success in restoring safety and security to the nation. Halfway through your four-year term, you have record high popularity ratings around 70%. Between May 2002 and September 2004 Colombia has seen a decrease in homicide by 17.6%, massacres by 55.4%, kidnappings by 35.1%, and acts of terrorism by 18.4%.
• Try not to mention our 42-year history of bloody civil war, political assassinations, and ongoing guerilla warfare.
o Do NOT comment on the existing number of foreign kidnappings (we still rank #1 in the world for kidnappings)—if it comes up, just repeat that the numbers are decreasing every year. Colombia’s terrorists have kidnapped over 50 American citizens since 1992, and killed at least 10. Three American citizens, who had been working on counternarcotics programs, are still being held hostage in Colombia, captured by the FARC in February 2003.
o Try to downplay the May 2005 U.S. Department of State advisory about Colombia, which said "violence by narcoterrorist groups and other criminal elements continues to affect all parts of the country, urban and rural. No one can be considered immune on the basis of occupation, nationality or any other factor."
• Emphasize the safety measures in place for tourists. Each group will feel like royalty when they are escorted to their beachside resorts with an escort of convoys of dozens of cars escorted by 120-strong contingents of police and military, bristling with assault rifles and machine guns!
Attractions in Colombia
• Our pristine forests and glorious coastline will appear to nature-lovers, but try not to mention that our highlands subject to volcanic eruptions, occasional earthquakes, and periodic droughts.
• Colombia also has attractions for the most urban, sophisticated traveler as well.
o Colombia supplies more than 80% of the worldwide powder cocaine supply and over 70% of the heroin supply.
o Although your administration has committed itself to the eradication of all illicit drug crops, we guarantee a copious supply of cocaine and heroine to guests who make reservations for a 7-day trip.
• Hard currency goes a long way! Because 55% of our population lives below the poverty line, prices are low. Dollars and Euros are in high demand!
• Lots of internet cafes—even though we can't keep our population from killing each other (and foreign tourists), we have plenty of internet cafes so visitors can stay in touch with the developing world. These internet connections are also helpful when relaying ransom notes!
Phase III
• Because we have publicized the tourism plan in stages (Phase I and II were described in the CNN article), there may be questions about Phase III. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you discuss Phase III, as it will inevitably lead to war with Venezuela (who already hosts nearly 1 million of our refugees), severed relations with the United States, and possible enforcement of the Kyoto Treaty, which we signed last year.
----------
For other commentary on "Tourism in Columbia", see:
Things Are Looking Up in Colombia from Post No Bills
Webring Post #1 from A Prize in Every Box
Tourism in [the District of] Columbia by Bad Apologies
Webring Assignment #1 - Tourism in Colombia by Wish to See
CoLUMbia? But I hardly know ya! by A Little Maryment
Comments
Is it just me, or is there a bit of irony in someone doling out writing assignments without checking for the proper spelling of the name of a country?
Posted by: Anon C. at August 3, 2005 09:40 AM
Anyplace with a 55.4% decrease in massacres must be great! Wait a minute, how many annual massacres does an exact number like that leave!?
Maybe they can get a sign, like:
"Welcome to Bogota. Massacre free for _9_ days!"
-Mr. Bad Apologies
"Not linked to a massacre in _7_ years."
Posted by: Mr. Bad Apologies at August 5, 2005 11:09 AM
Anti-Kidnapping System - $2,600USD
SPY STUFF™ offers an anti-kidnapping system that invisibly protects you and your
loved ones from kidnapping world wide.
An ultra-micro transmitter incorporated into clothing or accessories of your choice
sends out an invisible SOS at the first sign of danger, automatically sending help to
your exact location. The portable receiver/direction finder is designed to track and
locate VHF and UHF signals. The exact location of the transmitter is displayed on
the direction finder, with 16 high intensity LEDs arranged in a circular pattern,
along with a three-digit numeral display.
Our brother tested out this system in Trinidad, and we were able to pin point his
location to a T.
Highly recommended for high risk personnel living in, or visiting corrupt countries.
For more info on this system contact Mark Chapelle at:
number1.top.seller@gmail.com
Posted by: Mark Chapelle at September 14, 2005 10:26 AM
