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April 12, 2005
*My* Situation
Would you rather have him be Dictator of the World? I thought not.
[For consistency, you might want to read Kevin's entry first.]
Let us examine the following excerpt from Kevin's blog:
We all know that someone who does not subscribe to a close-minded, one-track, "this is the absolute truth - regardless of the circumstance" view is quickly labeled a flip-flopper, a wish-wash, weak, and indecisive. What a sad world we live in when people are made to feel guilty or inadequate for thinking about a topic from all angles, reserving judgment until it is well understood, and refusing to make over-arching assertions independent of context.
Can't you just hear the long drawn-out sighs and see the morose head-shaking that must have accompanied the writing of that paragraph? One can almost picture Kevin standing at the window, looking out over the Baltic sea and wondering if life is worth living. If only he could just get in his kayak and sail into the night, living in harmony with nature, taking only what he needs to survive. Why must life be so complicated? Sigh. Why can't we all just be flip-floppers? Headshake.
I recognize, however, that is it not enough to simply badmouth the competition. That, dear readers, is what is referred to in highly erudite circles, as "negative campaigning". And so, I now present, the top 10 reasons I should be your pick for Dictator of the World:
1. I know impressive words, like "erudite".
2. I have a photographic memory. Living in such a complex world, isn't it comforting to know that your Dictator remembers all the information she reads, rather than relying on a fuzzy memory of what someone said three years ago?
3. I am truthful. Rather than rudely editing someone else's blog entry to make her sound like an idiot, I let people's words speak for themselves. If I offer commentary afterwards, it is just to alert readers to my opinion on the subject--not to besmirch their good names.
4. I'm listening to phenom pianist Lang Lang play Mozart and Liszt, even as I type this brilliant missive. How much more brilliant do you want your Dictator to be?
5. Now I'm listening to an iTunes shuffle of 50 Cent, Iron and Wine, and Bob Dylan. I'm not just about classical music, I'm also in touch with the people.
6. I've already met lots of important people. See how Kjell Magne Bondevik, the Prime Minister of Norway, loves me? (I can't comment on the woman in red.)
7. My website is full of "sass". You want your Dictator to be funny, sarcastic, and self-deprecating, right?
8. I currently have no sex life, so all my energy can go into managing the world.
9. Did I mention I have no sex life? All my pent-up frustration can go into creating innovative solutions to our most challenging problems!
...and now, the most important reason...
10. I don't care what you do, as long as you take responsibility for your actions. Go ahead, smoke all you want! Just don't expect my government to pick up the tab for your lung cancer. Go ahead, solicit a prostitute! Just don't get bitchy when you contract VD. Go ahead, work like a dog and ignore your family! But no complaining on your deathbed when you realize your life was meaningless.
As long as you don't infringe on other people's right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, then you can do as you please.
My job as Dictator is to ensure that everyone on the planet has access to information that will inform them of the results of their behavior ("smoking causes cancer") and create the capacity for people to choose the "right" options (birth control on demand, free education, etc.)
I'll step in when you decide that murder, robbery, sweatshops, environmental degradation, and human rights abuses are acceptable. Otherwise, proceed as planned.
Comments
I think I just realized you are a Libertarian!
Posted by: La at April 13, 2005 01:18 PM
You didn't mention how you would use your power to create a life of leisure for your parents!
Posted by: Anonymous at April 13, 2005 02:32 PM
