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January 05, 2005
Reflections on 2004
Here are some notes I wrote up last week, reflecting on the past 5 months in Sweden. Obviously, I'm disappointed with a lot of things in the recent months, and I've tried to analyze how to make the best out of the second half of the program.
Why did I go to Sweden?
- To live abroad for a year.
- To learn about sustainability.
- To be able to quit my job with dignity.
What did I expect?
- An objective, rigorous, academic program in which I learned about sustainability tools and strategies.
- To be immersed in Swedish culture and to learn the language.
- To be able to shape the program into something stronger that met my needs.
- To meet lots of international students.
- To receive prompt and thoughtful feedback on my work.
- To have clear expectations provided and adhered to.
- To have regular, collegial, friendly interaction with a wide variety of instructors.
- To have equal emphasis placed on environmental and social sustainability.
- To have equal emphasis placed on sustainability and sustainable development.
- To have grading done by either a) recognized experts or b) unbiased judges.
I did not expect:
- To feel so cut off from the program leaders.
- To feel pressured into accepting the TNS Framework (or "backcasting from principles") to the exclusion of all other models.
- To have so much group work.
- To find the school so completely disorganized (both BTH and the program).
- To meet so many fantastic students in the program.
- To enjoy the nature of Sweden in so many new ways (like kayaking).
- To spend so much time in class.
- To have so little guidance/reading/objective discussion.
What can I expect from the next 6 months?
- More flexibility with my time.
- Better weather.
- More travel.
- Financial stress.
- Closer relationship to GRI.
- Different relationship with fellow students.
- Continuing frustration with my thesis and the program in general.
So, what's the message? First, my 2005 resolutions:
- I will spend 15 minutes outside every day. I realize this sounds weird, but there are actually days when I spend virtually no time outside (except for walking to my car, waiting for the bus, etc.). Creepy. I hope to achieve--and exceed--this goal by doing more biking when the weather warms up, but the next couple months are going to be tough.
- Each month I will carefully review my budget and make adjustments accordingly. The budget is a constant challenge. This next year is going to be particularly difficult, since I planned poorly for moving to Sweden, and spent the vast majority of my allotted $ for Sweden in the past 5 months. And since I don't know what I'll be doing in June (will I travel all summer? will I have a job??) it's hard to anticipate how to allocate my savings. I know that I will want to do a lot of travel before June, so I think that will be my major expenditure.
- I will update my journal regularly, and make a special effort to write about things other than my daily routine. The "journal" issue is something I've been struggling with for the last month or so. I wish I could be more thoughtful about my writing, but there are a couple of things holding me back.
- First, a public journal (which my parents, friends, and classmates can read) is a little intimidating--I know I am self-censoring at some level. In my previous private journals, there is discussion at a more intimate level. I would like to be this honest in my blog, but I worry that I will offend people--particularly my parents. If I decide to be completely honest (which I think would be more rewarding in the long run), I have to deal with the potential disgust from readers.
- Second, there is an inherent tension between recording my daily activities (which I *do* find important) and delving into deeper issues. I just don't have a commitment to writing for hours and hours each day, and I'm not sure how to make the most out of my writing time.
- Third, there are issues that I need to address, but that I just don't want to deal with. I'm even reluctant to mention them here, because committing them to paper (or computer memory) indicates that I realize they are important and have some responsibility to address. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
And now, for the final AND MOST IMPORTANT resolution:
I will make a point of refraining from useless criticizing--particularly when it leads to venting and gossip--by any needs necessary. I have realized that I have ultimate control over my life. I don't need to be in this program. I don't need to be in Sweden. I don't need to be writing a thesis using a framework I don't believe is relevant. I *choose* to do all these things. As such, I will make the most of 2005. I will undertake stupid assignments with good humor. I will participate in the program to the extent that I can be constructive. After that, I will remove myself and pursue activities (travel, research, volunteer work) that I truly enjoy.
The thinking behind this resolution is as follows: I have abandoned the belief that this program can be improved to the point I would find it valuable and relevant. Therefore, I relieve myself of the burden (self-imposed, of course) of trying to be a change-agent--a role I take on all too often.
And that, my dears, is my first thoughtful entry of 2005.
