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January 19, 2005
Bizarre
I just had a strange encounter with my program leader. After classes (which I attended in the afternoon, after skipping the morning session), we were walking out when he pulled me aside and asked how things were going. I didn't really know in what context he was asking the question, so I replied with a guarded "OK".
We proceeded to have a talk about how the presentations were going. I spoke truthfully that, while I found each presentation interesting in its own way, I was having a really difficult time staying engaged. In my view, the presentations were too long, and there are too many of them crammed in too short of a time. He agreed with these observations, and noted that the format of the presentations would be changed for next year.
All fine and good.
Then he said, "well, it's clear that you're bored". I wasn't really sure what he was referring to (the presentations, the class, the program--all of which have some element of truth), but I decided to answer in reference to the presentations. I said, "wait a minute, I pay attention, I ask good questions, I draw connections," to which he nodded. And then he said, "well, just me just say that a dose of cynicism is healthy, but...", to which I nodded (acting like I knew where he was going with this). The conversation drifted back to the presentations, and how they will be over soon (hallelujah) and the thesis part will soon be our full time assignment.
My point is this: While I have no doubt that I am indeed cynical about many things here in Sweden (the lectures, the indoctrination, the lack of objectivity and rigor, the dissatisfactory laundry services), I am not particularly cynical about the presentation. Mostly I'm just bored.
But, of course, by the time I realized that I needed clarification, it was too late and I was on my way out the door. It's hard for me to think critically in the heat of the moment--looking back, I should have asked him to be more specific about what he meant. But when comments are vauge, it's hard to know if blurting out "well, I really just came back after the holidays to travel--I have given up all hope of molding this program into something meaningful" is too harsh. Which, of course, it is. I have found many things meaningful about this program--just not too much on the academic side. So, instead, I nod like an idiot and let it pass.
Anyway, I've been puzzling over it since I got home.
Note to self: get over it.
