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January 29, 2005

Your Money or Your Life

I have this theory that you should NEVER cooperate with a mugger.  This theory rests on the premise that the odds of them shooting you are small (since if they planned on killing you, they would probably shoot you first, then take your money).  Moreover, I think you should always resist crime--kind of like the U.S. policy of never negotiating with terrorists. 

I thought I could really stand behind this idea until I read this article from CNN, which reports that Nicole duFresne, 28, an aspiring playwright and actress was shot dead after a mugging.  According to the article:

Witnesses told investigators that one of the men grabbed for the other woman's purse and duFresne intervened, asking, "What are you going to do, shoot us?" A man then fired one shot at her, police said.

She later died at the hospital from the gunshot wound to her chest.  The robber escaped with his accomplices and no arrests have been made.

What is truly horrifying about this (at least for me), is that this is exactly the type of thing I could see myself saying (if I wasn't peeing my pants in fear, that is).  In my head, this is precisely the sort of behavior that we should encourage--stand up for yourself!  Don't let the muggers win!  I just never seriously considered the possibility that they really would shoot you. 

I think I need to reinvestigate my position.  It brings to mind an argument I had with a previous boyfriend, who was adamant that, in the hypothetical event of a mugging, I give up my purse with no argument.  His argument hinged on the fact that, as the man (and I open the floor to challenges on this supposition), he would be obligated to step in front of me to take the bullet and/or single-handedly fight off all the assailants.

Men. <rolls eyes>

Posted by madchen at 05:09 PM | Comments (0)

January 27, 2005

Insert Bad Title Here

Nothing particular to report today. I met with Ronan and we went over a preliminary thesis schedule. It looks like February is going to be REALLY busy, but it will be great to get ahead of the curve. I will also need to brush up on my statistics. Sigh.

And now that I have a better idea of the next semester, I can start planning trips. First on the agenda, a couple weeks back home. Now I just need to get a good deal.

I went grocery shopping (things were getting dire) downtown and now my refrigerator is filled with delicious things. My luxury item of the week is a pint of Hagen Daas Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. Drool.

Um, what else? I spent the last 2 hours filling out my course evaluations for the last term. I think I'm somewhere between ambivalent (there were a lot of "satisfactory" answers) and scathing. A nice balance, I think.

Posted by madchen at 09:10 PM | Comments (0)

January 26, 2005

Yay!

Presentations are officially over--we had the last two "make-up" presentations this afternoon. In addition, we had a morning session covering the thesis project. I was impressed by the level of attention that went in to the preparation and left quite happy to plod along on my own thesis project.

Also this afternoon, I met with some other like-minded students to discuss e-based communication for the remainder of the program. I have set up an experimental yahoogroups website so that my thesis peer group (a 12-15 person subset which will work together on the thesis review process) can communicate their progress via the web. The peer groups won't actually be formed for a couple weeks, but I thought I would experiment a little with it to discover its capabilities. So far, so good.

That's about it for now. I'm exhausted from spending all day in class and looking forward to reading The Line of Beauty, which I've been working on for the last couple weeks. Tomorrow I will meet with Ronan, my thesis partner, to finalize our proposal. But for now, I just want a peanut butter sandwich.

Posted by madchen at 06:11 PM

Back to the Grindstone

Today was spent in a lazy sort of way. I slept in until almost noon (goodbye to normal sleep schedule), then caught up on the news and such for a couple hours. Then, realizing I had squandered a perfectly good Tuesday, I scrambled down to the flower store and got Roya a mini-rose plant for her birthday. When I walked down to the store it was freezing, but clear and crisp. When I walked out of the store 15 minutes later, it was a blizzard. Huge flakes of snow where whirling about, nearly horizontal, so that walking back to my apartment I had to keep my head completely downn and buried in my jacket. I had a full inch of snow on the top of my head (rather resembling a badly placed yarmulke).

Then it was back down to catch the bus to Wayne's Coffee, where I met my Advanced Leadership teammates Karl and Ronan. The paper is due tomorrow morning, so we were making final, frantic edits. In the end, the paper is strong, and Karl is in charge of getting it printed and handed in by tomorrow at 10 a.m.

Afterwards I came back and caught the tail end of Roya's make-your-own-pizza birthday party. It was great fun, even if the pizzas came out a little weird.

And now, just past midnight, I am off to bed. Tomorrow is our class-wide thesis meeting, and I'm eager to see what it's all about.

Posted by madchen at 12:12 AM | Comments (0)

January 24, 2005

Day Trip

I am back from my day in Lund, which was a great day-trip adventure.  I was on the 7 a.m. bus to catch the 7:33 a.m. train with Lisa and Dave.  A delightful two-and-a-half-hour ride later, we were in Lund!  Unfortunately, we didn't realize that most everything (museums, galleries, etc.) would be closed on Mondays, but we made the most of it and tramped around the city for a good 6 hours.  The city is full of striking architecture, including the academy building, seen here:

Of course, our version was under a couple inches of snow (it was FREEZING--about -2 degrees Celsius the whole day), but lovely nonetheless.

The real highlight of the trip, however, was Lund Cathedral.  It was originally built in the 1100s, and it the finest example of Romanesque architecture in the Nordic countries.  It was beautiful:

Inside was the real treat. 

We were free to walk around and look at the astronomical clock, dating back from the 1400s (we even got to see it's little punch-and-judy show at noon); the crypt downstairs (which was surprisingly airy and non-creepy); and the prayer chapels to the sides.  The place was just radiant--we were blessed with one of those bright winter days where the sky is a deep azure blue that only comes when the weather drops below freezing.  It was so peaceful, after wandering around for a bit, we just sat on the benches and had some moments of stillness.

Afterwards, I was thinking some deep thoughts.  For instance, if you completely put aside the issue of salvation (which, I realize, is critical to the issue of Christianity), and somehow measured:

• All the good things that were done in Jesus' name.  This would include big and small acts--such as an individual volunteering at a soup kitchen, an individual sponsoring a child in a developing world, the church's role in the anti-slavery movement; the church's role in hiding Jews during WWII.  It would include every "good" (but not necessarily religious) thing every done since the birth of Jesus.  To be clear, actually being kind to your neighbor counts, praying for your neighbor does not.


• All the evil things that were done in Jesus' name.  Same criteria--big and small acts.  The Spanish inquisition, the Crusades, centuries of anti-Semitism, the church's complicity in the Holocaust and the Rwandan genocide.  Also included are the church's complicity in denying women, gays, divorcees, etc. equal rights (in the political process, not necessarily the church).  Also outright ostracism of these gays, Jews, etc. because they don't conform to traditional Christian standards.  You get the point.

The question is this:

Which side wins? 

It's kind of hard to mentally measure the last 2,000 years in terms of actions done in Jesus' name.  Ok, really hard.  But I think that overall, the results are kind of negative.  The Church has had such a negative role in the world (I'm looking back over 2,000 years, mind you), that the huge genocides, crusades, Inquisitions, and general subverting of equal rights and liberty in favor of consolidating power, that its hard to come up with a viable alternate argument.  And while I would like to believe that everyday Christians' simple actions of love and peace somehow outweigh the big, bad stuff, I have to think that over the past two centuries, Christians have also used simple actions of hate in partial (if not equal) measure. 

And don't even get me started on the evil stuff that happened "because God said" in the Old Testament.  If it's to be believed, God sanctions rape, slavery, stoning, etc. and even occasionally pops down from heaven to bury people alive and decimate cities "to the last man, woman, and child".

Now, just focusing on the New Testament (because I can't even begin to justify the Old Testament), I would like to emphasize that Jesus preached general goodwill, peace, love, joy, and other nice things.  How his words have been so twisted, so corrupted, as to have resulted in the last 2,000 years of the Church is beyond me.  But it makes a sad case for the healing power of salvation.

And now, with these deep thoughts off my chest, I need to review some work.

Posted by madchen at 08:13 PM | Comments (0)

January 23, 2005

Lazy Sunday

After spending a comatose Saturday, I think I've finally recovered from Friday night's festivities.  And I will NEVER MIX ALCOHOL AGAIN.  That is my solemn vow.

This morning, I started getting back on a normal sleeping pattern.  I was up at 10 a.m., upon which I greedily checked email, only to find a dearth of any fun reading.  On the other hand, Kevin had a new post listing his 10 favorite radio shows, so I have padded around the apartment, cleaning my room, doing the dishes, reading the newspaper (online, of course)--all while checking out a program on Laughter (which includes an interview with Eddie Izzard) and an interview with Jared Diamond, author of Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed.

So now it's almost 1 p.m. and I'm still in my pajamas, but with a clean room and an engaged mind.  I'm considering a walk down to Willy:s for groceries (I made dinner for me, Roya, and Jess on Thursday night, which cleaned out the fridge), which would also coincide nicely with a trip to take out the recycling.  Other than that, my day is pretty open.

Lisa and I are still planning on an overnight trip to Lund, leaving tomorrow morning and possibly staying in a train-turned-hostel.  It looks like there are a bunch of fun things to do, although we're not sure how much stuff will be open in the heart of winter.  The weather is expected to be moderately sunny, but cold.  The rest of this week is supposed to be below freezing.  But as long as there is a peep of sun, I don't care if it's -30 Celsius.

Posted by madchen at 12:13 PM | Comments (0)

January 22, 2005

Ephiphany

If there is only one rule in life, only one guiding principle against which all decisions should be judged--both on a personal, professional, and civic level--it is this:

Never, never, never mix your alcohols.

Last night we had the end-of-term celebration. It began with party at Bredgatan (insert shots of tequila, shots of aquavit, 3 glasses of white wine, and a glass of very expensive single malt scotch whiskey). I have never laughed so hard in my life--it was so fantastic to be thinking of non-presentation-related things, like how Kevin's bird occassionally acts inappropriately (Kevin's re-enactment was priceless).

Then we were off to the Buddha Bar, where hours and hours of dancing to bad music ensued (insert 2-for-1 drinks of beer and fluffy drinks which I have only the vaguest memory of). By the time we got home at 3:30 a.m. (so much for my solid sleep routine), I was feeling almost normal. While I certainly wouldn't have been driving, I was able to walk in a straight line. I assumed, mistakenly, that I would be fine in the morning.

Then 6:30 a.m. rolled around and I was awake with that horrid "I've been drinking and now the misery has begun" feeling. Attempts to sip water were not rewarded in a constructive way. I'll leave it at that.

Now, at 3:30 p.m., I'm beginning to think I might live to see another day.

Posted by madchen at 03:14 PM | Comments (0)

January 21, 2005

Inalienable Rights, Except for Gays...

So, over the past couple months, I've been having a recurring conversation with people about gay marriage.  Let me preface this by noting that I am a proponent of gay marriage.  Hey, I'm a single girl with no prospects--I know just how hard it is to find "the one".  If any two people can find each other and make a relationship work (no matter their gender), who am I to say they shouldn't get married?

Anyway, one of the topics around gay marriage is whether or not gay people have access to the same rights as heterosexual couples.  My mother makes an excellent argument that many of the rights with marriage implications (all 1,049 of them) can be obtained by same sex couples.  My point is that it is unfair to make same sex couples investigate and make legal contracts that cover each and every one of them (and some simply CANNOT be granted to gay couples, regardless of the legal wrangling).  To put on my constitutional scholar hat, I would argue that this is not "equal protection under the law".

The US Government's General Accounting Office issued a complete list of the 1,049 laws involving marital status.  In case that 75-page document is a little much to read, here is a summary of what can and cannot be granted to same sex couples, taken from Positive Liberty. 

---

Here is a list of federal rights unavailable to couples who are not married. Only some of these rights can be obtained through other means; others really are permanently unavailable. The rights we can obtain include inheriting property (after paying the legal fees and fending off the court challenges in states with super-DOMA laws), power of attorney rights (with more fees and hassles than you can imagine), joint child custody rights (only in a handful of states, with fees, and with infinitely more hassles than power of attorney), and hospital visitation rights (just be sure to plan your emergencies in advance, otherwise you might end up at a hospital where you didn't sign the proper forms).

The list goes on and on. Some people may claim that gay couples get all or most of the same rights that straight couples enjoy, but these people know not whereof they speak. This claim represents a convenient dodge, one that makes straight people feel good about ignoring or opposing same-sex marriage. But however convenient it may be, the story simply isn't true.

Because of the lack of blanket protections, same-sex relationships are being nickeled and dimed to death. There are also many rights that cannot be obtained by same-sex couples at all, and some of these are among the most crucial. They include immigration rights for same-sex partners, the right to sue for wrongful death and for disability payments, and, in many states, even the right to joint legal custody of children that the partners are raising together.

Posted by madchen at 08:15 PM | Comments (0)

Change of Plans

Sadly, our trip to Lithuania has been put on hold, due to a combination of too much work and an expected 6 inches of snow. Instead, we'll stay closer to home, with an overnight trip to Malmo and Lund instead.

So now I'm back home (after a failed attempt to go to class--which was cancelled becuase the presenter was sick), with a stack of library books and no ferry to read them on. I suppose I can always go down to Wayne's Coffee and read them over the weekend.

Posted by madchen at 04:16 PM | Comments (0)

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Today is the last day of presentations--and it couldn't have come at a better time. I've slacked off over the past couple of days, attending only 50% of them. I believe I've explained the reason for this in earlier entries (look for "mind-numbing"). But in approximately 2 hours it will all be over and we will officially be in the final thesis semester.

Well, that's not entirely true, since we have until Wednesday to turn in our papers. With my Strategic Management paper turned in, but my Advanced Leadership paper still hanging in the wind (my group partners can't seem to get their parts written), I am feeling a little nervous about my weekend trip. Here's the plan: Karl and Ronan will write their parts of the paper over the weekend, so that when I come to class on Wednesday, I can read the final draft version on the computer. After I give my OK (which I hope, hope, hope I can give with no serious reservations), we'll print it off and turn it in on Wednesday afternoon. I was hoping to be able to turn it in before I left, but it was not meant to be.

Also, I would like to retract all my previous statements about laundry in Sweden. Apparently, it was just the laundry facilities along the first floor of Kungsmarken that are of the pre-industrial era. Last night, I borrowed Tomomi and Birte's key (illegally kept when Birte moved into Tomomi's place) for the laundry room in the next building. I swear, it was like a mecca of laundry heaven. First off, you didn't need to fight for an appointment--instead, it functions like all normal laundry rooms on a first-come-first-serve basis. Then, oh majesty of majesties, there were FOUR washers and FOUR dryers. It was amazing. Long story short, I was able to do two weeks worth of laundry in under 3 hours--a far cry from the days when it would take 7 hours (plus all the associated hang-to-dry hassle in the apartment afterwards). I have to say that the whole experience quite changed my outlook on life here in Sweden.

So, now that I've wasted another hour here at home, there is really only one presentation left for me to attend. I suppose I should go--although it's "System Dynamics and its Application to Strategic Leadership Towards Sustainability", which doesn't sound very scintillating.

On the other hand, going to class will allow me to check out some library books for my trip to Lithuania this weekend. I'm getting very excited about it--another stamp in my passport! And clean clothes to wear on the journey!!

Posted by madchen at 12:17 PM | Comments (0)

January 19, 2005

Bizarre

I just had a strange encounter with my program leader. After classes (which I attended in the afternoon, after skipping the morning session), we were walking out when he pulled me aside and asked how things were going. I didn't really know in what context he was asking the question, so I replied with a guarded "OK".

We proceeded to have a talk about how the presentations were going. I spoke truthfully that, while I found each presentation interesting in its own way, I was having a really difficult time staying engaged. In my view, the presentations were too long, and there are too many of them crammed in too short of a time. He agreed with these observations, and noted that the format of the presentations would be changed for next year.

All fine and good.

Then he said, "well, it's clear that you're bored". I wasn't really sure what he was referring to (the presentations, the class, the program--all of which have some element of truth), but I decided to answer in reference to the presentations. I said, "wait a minute, I pay attention, I ask good questions, I draw connections," to which he nodded. And then he said, "well, just me just say that a dose of cynicism is healthy, but...", to which I nodded (acting like I knew where he was going with this). The conversation drifted back to the presentations, and how they will be over soon (hallelujah) and the thesis part will soon be our full time assignment.

My point is this: While I have no doubt that I am indeed cynical about many things here in Sweden (the lectures, the indoctrination, the lack of objectivity and rigor, the dissatisfactory laundry services), I am not particularly cynical about the presentation. Mostly I'm just bored.

But, of course, by the time I realized that I needed clarification, it was too late and I was on my way out the door. It's hard for me to think critically in the heat of the moment--looking back, I should have asked him to be more specific about what he meant. But when comments are vauge, it's hard to know if blurting out "well, I really just came back after the holidays to travel--I have given up all hope of molding this program into something meaningful" is too harsh. Which, of course, it is. I have found many things meaningful about this program--just not too much on the academic side. So, instead, I nod like an idiot and let it pass.

Anyway, I've been puzzling over it since I got home.

Note to self: get over it.

Posted by madchen at 05:18 PM | Comments (0)

Dawdling

At this very minute, I should be in the shower. Actually, I probably should be out of the shower and getting dressed. Classes start today at 10 a.m. sharp, sharp (as the Swedish say) and I am going to be late. Or perhaps I won't go at all.

Last night I met Jo and Paulo for dinner (frozen pizza) at Minnerva, where we finalized our Strategic Management paper and burned a couple CD's with all the information. I took the bus back home, so by the time I finally arrived, checked email, and sent my DRC paper--finally finished, hooray!--off to the Saratoga Foundation, it was after 11 p.m.

Now, I have been making a point to get to bed around 10 p.m.--that way I am ready to get up at 8 a.m. when the alarm goes off. If I manage to actually fall asleep at ten, then I usually wake up before the alarm. Anyone who knows me will realize what a feat this is--since I normally can sleep until noon regardless of the time I go to sleep. I really want to hold onto this routine for as long as possible (although it's going to seriously cramp my weekend fun to be home and in bed by 10 p.m.), because I've discovered that it is lovely to be up in the morning! It's quiet, and I can get a bunch of stuff done before leaving the house.

In examining this new trend, I attribute my routine (which I have faithfully followed for almost two weeks now) to the following:

* Of course, going to bed early each night is a pre-requisite for getting up at a decent hour. I've found that my body needs 8.5-9 hours of sleep each night.
* Breakfast! I've made a point of eating a big breakfast each morning, immediately when I get up. Unlike other tricks I've tried (like getting in the shower immediately), after breakfast I'm ready to face the day, and getting back into bed isn't really an option.
* No naps! As a student (and even as a full-time employee) I have often taken advantage of the afternoon/evening nap. By avoiding a nap in the afternoon, I am actually ready for bed at 10 p.m. (so sad, but true).

So, where was I going with all of this? Oh yes, I was unable to get to bed last night until after 11 p.m., so I'm feeling a bit groggy this morning. Which leads to the dawdling, and the lateness, and the potential skipping of class (all BAD things). I have been quite diligent in going to each class (even though most of them bore me to tears), but others in the class have been less so, and there was a stern lecture yesterday morning about the need for everyone to "support their fellow students" and come to the presentations. In general, I agree. On the other hand, they DO bore me to tears, and I HAVE been diligent. So perhaps this morning is forgivable. Perhaps not. But since I don't really care, there you go.

Well, I suppose that I will get in the shower, after all. Once I'm clean and can evaluate the rest of my day, perhaps I will scramble to class after all. Or not.

Posted by madchen at 08:18 AM | Comments (0)

January 18, 2005

DRC Madness

Sometimes life is filled with such juxtaposition of the mundane and the tragic that it is difficult to decide on an appropriate emotion.  For example, during my research on the DRC today, I wrote the following:

 

1.   Gender-Based Violence and Exploitation

 

 

Sexual violence against women of all ages, including very young girls, was used as a weapon of war by most of the forces involved in the conflict. In many cases rape was followed by the deliberate wounding or killing of the victim. Thousands of women and girls were abducted and forced to remain with armed groups as sexual slaves. The prevalence of HIV/AIDS among combatants added to the trauma and social stigma faced by these women, who feared being ostracized by their families or communities. Medical and psychological treatment appropriate to the needs of the victims was rare. Leaders of armed groups have taken few meaningful steps to protect women and girls against rape by their fighters, and few of those responsible have been brought to justice.

---March 2004 PeaceWomen Report.

 

Around 40,000 cases of rape have been reported since the 1997 overthrow of the government—but those figures represent only a portion of the women affected by rape.  International human rights organizations acknowledge the difficulty of establishing estimates, as "the lack of security in many regions, the inaccessibility of some locations and the physical or material inability of some victims to travel, make it very difficult to obtain clear data."  Moreover, fear of reprisal and cultural norms prevent many women from reporting their attacks.  Nonetheless, experienced UN and international humanitarian NGO staff are "unanimous that they had never come across as many victims of rape in a conflict situation as they had in DRC."

While human rights groups have documented detailed accounts of rape victims, the following list provides only a glimpse of the situation in the DRC:

• Amnesty International has documented cases of rapes of girls aged under 10 and of women aged 70 and over.  Other reports have alleged rapes against girls as young as one year.


• One aspect of the prevalence of rape by combatants in eastern DRC is the high number of women who have been raped more than once, at different times, by different forces.


• Women and girls are attacked on the roads, in the fields or inside their homes. Attacks also take place as children walk to and from school or as families walk to attend church. If other family members protest or try to protect the woman, they are killed or beaten.


• Rape is also often followed by looting of household possessions or goods women are carrying. After raping them, combatants will occasionally force the victims to carry the looted property.


• Rape may be committed by a group numbering up to twenty. These rapes are often also committed in front of the victim’s children, family or community.


• In some cases, combatants force victims have sexual relations with members of their family: sons with their mother, or brother with sister.


• Collective rapes of a number of women together are also common. Such rapes are particularly committed against rural populations. Commonly groups attack a village, killing civilian men and boys and raping women and girls, before making off with the community's cattle, tools or clothing and sometimes setting fire to the houses.


• Rape is generally accompanied by beatings and threats, and in many cases other extreme acts of torture are also used. Some women have had a rifle, a knife, a sharpened piece of wood, glass or rusty nails, stones, sand or peppers inserted into their vaginas, causing serious physical injury and suffering. Others have been deliberately shot during or after rape, sometimes in their genitals.


• Rape ends in some cases with the killing of victims. In some cases combatants shoot dead the victims’ husbands, sons or other family members before committing rape next to the corpses of their loved ones.

Now, it's interesting to note that I had to spend more time on aligning the bullet points (for some reason Word wanted to move them over to the middle of the page) than I did writing the actual information (which is largely copid from an Amnesty International report).  I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time over the absurdity of formatting bullet points containing information like this.  I mean, it's ridiculous, right?

I'm getting closer to the end of this research project (thank goodness--my mental health is starting to take a beating), but I need to go back and find more information on topics that I missed in the intitial data collection--like arranged marriages, contracts and property rights, etc.  Hopefully, this second round will be less traumatizing.

As for the rest of my day, I enjoyed presentations on Groovy Green Geeks (a start-up business in Seattle that aims to integrate bikes with other forms of sustainable transportation) and the International Labor Organization--two organizations that couldn't be more different.  But the presentations were engaging and thought-provoking, which is more than I can say about most of the others.

Now I'm home, trying to do a little DRC research before 6 p.m., when I meet with my Strategic Management group for the last time.  We'll go over the paper once more, then print it out and make a CD for Tarkett Group.  And then, we'll hand everything in tomorrow morning and be done with it.  I'm thrilled to have this off my shoulders--if only I could manage to bring the Advanced Leadership project to a close.

Finally, I'm going to Lithuania this weekend!  More details to follow...

 

Posted by madchen at 04:20 PM | Comments (0)

January 16, 2005

Sigh.

This weekend has been a mix of laziness and mind-numbing awe at the cruelty of the world. After spending a large portion of Friday night researching women's rights in the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC), I had a night filled with horrible nightmares—all involving variations of sexual violence.

Saturday, I chose to take a break from human rights research and instead spent the day lazing around the apartment. I finished listening to my latest audiobook, downloaded an RSS feeder (brilliant!), and finally managed to connect with my mom via Skype (also brilliant!). In the end, nothing much was accomplished—but sometimes its nice to have a day like that.

Today I was up at 9 a.m.—entirely of my own volition—and had a nice breakfast with Roya, Jess, and Mandy, who were congregating to work on their project. They've been working here all day, poor things, and it looks like its going to be an all-nighter. I'm sure they will be thrilled when their presentation is done tomorrow afternoon.

For my part, I finished sorting the recycling and took it down to Willy:s to the parking lot of recycling receptacles. I am disappointed that Kungsmarksvägen still hasn't gotten its own recycling facilities, since it's a real pain to drag six bags of sorted garbage a quarter of a mile (and I feel like an idiot) to its final resting place.

On the other hand, I needed to do some grocery shopping anyway, so I wasn't going out of my way. I was pleased to see that Willy:s has redesigned its layout to be much more consumer friendly—even if the produce section is still in a deplorable state.

Armed with a backpack full of groceries, I walked back to the apartment and continued working on the DRC report. Reading reams and reams of human rights documentation is hard, and I can tell I'm being psychologically affected. The level of atrocities being committed there every day is just mind boggling—and there is a sense of helplessness associated with it. The more and more I learn about human rights violations, the more I have come to believe that it is something that cannot be affected by outside forces. In fact, sometimes the opposite happens. For example, the UN peacekeepers sent to the DRC were just recently found (by a UN investigation) to be sexually abusing and exploiting the very people they were supposed to be protecting. I just can't fathom exchanging sex for two eggs—eggs that went to feeding someone's children, no doubt. And yet, there it is—hundreds of pages documenting the abuse.

And when an entire generation of people has lost their cultural memory of stability—when rape, "disappearances", and extrajudicial executions are the norm—when stable jobs, medicine, and the idea of "home" are long vanished, then barbarism becomes the norm. These women live in constant fear of gang rape by any of the 20 armed militias—and many have been raped on repeated occasions. And simple rape is hardly the worst of it. There are permutations of rape that I would have been incapable of imagining, had it not been explicitly documented by multiple women.

It's traumatizing to me—and I'm just reading about it. How can people continue to live conditions like that?

Sigh. I promised myself that I wouldn't work on this project after 3 p.m. to give my mind some time to re-adjust to the normal world. But I feel compelled to keep working—as if writing this paper somehow keeps these atrocities from being meaningless. It doesn't—of course.

From my experience with human rights, I have yet to see large-scale human rights reforms based on external pressure. As dedicated as Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch are—as powerful as their documentation is—countries continue to promote torture, rape, systematic injustice. Even taking a long-term perspective, I'm not sure that we are getting more civilized. America certainly isn't. We may have abolished slavery and internment camps, but we have substituted it with "enemy combatant" camps in Guantanamo Bay, partnerships with the atrocity-committing Northern Alliance in Afghanistan, and Abu Gahrib in Iraq.

So why do I do it? Maybe so that I won't get complacent. So that I keeps remembering all that I have and all that I could lose. So that someone, somewhere, shares a tiny piece of the pain these women feel.

Posted by madchen at 09:21 PM | Comments (0)

January 13, 2005

Exploiting Talent

I might, just might, have some very exciting news in a couple days. Well, not exciting to the rest of the world, but important to me. And in my own little universe, that's what really matters.

Anyway, today was my first day back in class--I sat through two presentations for our Strategic Management class. One was on a Zambian Electric Company and one was on the Swedish Building Authority. Yawn. Actually, the presentations were pretty good, but you can only hear about "building a vision" so many times before your eyes glaze over.

I came home after lunch and have been working on a new volunteer project, writing about women's and girls' rights in the Democratic Republic of Congo--which, ironically, is neither Democratic, nor a Republic. More like Awful Dictatorship of Congo. Anyway, I knew things were bad there (gang rapes by government "security" forces, extrajudicial executions, child soldiers who are drugged and forced to have sex with corpses, etc.) but it's overwhelming to try and summarize all the atrocities (while focusing just on the women's issues--what about the guys??) when it's almost too much to read about. But I have to admit, the international human rights organizations have done a great job at culling information from a very dangerous place.

Also of note, a guy came by this afternoon to fix our bathtub, which has been having drainage problems. Hopefully, tomorrow morning's shower won't end with me standing ankle-deep in water! I was hoping he would also fix my window pane, which is incredibly drafty. But he only spoke Swedish, and was only equipped with a plunger, so I didn't press the issue.

The sun has set and it's nearly dark--given that it's just after 4 p.m. I should be grateful for the ever-longer days. But mostly I'm still jet-lagged. I barely made it through last night's Moroccan dinner party (hosted by Heather, Laura, Roya, and Mitch--the group that spent the holidays in Morocco), which featured a tagine made in an authentic tagine pot--brought all the way from Marrakesh. Yum. By the time I made it home (almost 10 p.m.) it was all I could do to change into pajamas and climb into bed. I was up at 8 a.m. this morning, which definitely signals a return to the normal scheme of things. Sigh, I was enjoying my early morning solitude.

I guess that's all--I don't really have any deep feelings to explore. I applied for a job yesterday, which was a little exciting. It was also nice to see how my resume is evolving into a document with real potential, instead of the made-up potential I've been hawking since college. I guess this means I'm getting old.

Posted by madchen at 07:22 PM | Comments (0)

January 12, 2005

Small Town Pleasures

It's amazing what sensory stimulation will do for a gray existence. Once again, the weather has turned foul in Sweden, with temperatures hovering just above freezing, overcast skies, and mist that just escapes being classified as a drizzle. But there are flowerpots in my window (two bunches of fuchsia-white-marigold pansies, a pot of primroses that range from he mildest butter to raging coral, and another pot that I don't know the name of—but they are beautiful deep pink), a lemongrass candle burning on the desk, and the mingling smells of papaya, mango, peach, and lime from my shower. It's so luxurious; I almost don't mind the horrid weather that promises to ruin the remainder of the week.

I have been awake since 4 a.m., and have caught up on long-overdue email. I have been thinking about my thesis, which will be based on the paper I just finished last night (well, I finished my part, and then passed it along to my group members for their additions). At some point, I will really need to get serious about it, but for the time being, I'm just avoiding the inevitable.

I was planning on biking to town, revisiting the ATM (for the additional $$ I need to pay rent and my student union fees), and getting some exercise, but I feel thwarted by the weather. Although it's not bitterly cold outside, once you get wet (and the mist just seems to seep into your bones) you are past hope. So I think I'll hang around the apartment for awhile, listening to my newest audiobook (His Dark Materials: Book 1) and making sure I am properly moisturized (I refuse to repeat the dry, itchy skin problem of early December). Then I'll probably take a bus downtown.

Incidentally, I got an email from our program leader a few days ago (maybe a week), that I just re-read with some alarm. He indicates that we will have a long weekend on January 22-24, after our final presentations are concluded. Now, I was under the impression that once the presentations were done (thus finishing the second term), we didn't have any classes scheduled for the rest of the year. Instead, we were supposed to be working full-time on our thesis, which included some group work, but nothing involving the whole class. If this assumption is correct, then why does he need to specify that there is a long weekend? Puzzling. I hope this doesn't wreck my plans to do lots of traveling during the next six months.

---

One of the things I love about Karlskrona is its small town mentality. Even though I can't communicate with the majority of the locals, I feel quite at home here. The guys at Wayne's Coffee know that I like soy hazelnut lattes, and the receptionist at Karlskronahem definitely recognizes me every time I go in to complain. And biking downtown and back (14 km altogether—the weather turned sunny, although I still had to contend with gale force winds), I met four people from my program. It's so fun to know that every time you go out, you'll probably run into someone you know.

Posted by madchen at 03:22 PM | Comments (0)

Keeping Up With Celebrities

I don't usually follow celebrity news, but the Washington Post has an article about how Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey feel sorry for Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt, who formally announced their seperation after 4 1/2 years of marriage.

WHAT?

Somehow, I feel very sad about that announcement. Over the holiday break, I saw an Oprah episode with Brad Pitt, and they seemed like such normal, happy people.

If Jennifer Anniston can't sustain a happy marriage, what chance do I have?

Yes, this is what I do at 4 a.m. when I can't sleep any more.

Posted by madchen at 04:24 AM | Comments (0)

January 11, 2005

Weather Story

Major storm wreaks havoc on Sweden, Denmark

www.chinaview.cn 2005-01-11 00:35:20

STOCKHOLM, Jan. 10 (Xinhuanet) -- Hurricane strength winds whipped across Sweden and Denmark over the weekend, leaving at least 11 people dead, seven of them in Sweden, as road and rail traffic was disrupted in the deadliest storm since 1969.

The powerful storm also left more than 400,000 homes in southern Sweden without power, with 200,000 of them still dark on Monday morning.

Electricity companies Sydkraft, Vattenfall and Fortum said the power grid would not be completely repaired for a week, Radio Sweden reported on Monday.

Minister of Housing and Energy Mona Sahlin is calling for an investigation as to why Sweden is not able to handle the fallout in such situations. She is also calling for power lines to be buried underground at a faster rate.

Damage was estimated at 500 million Swedish kronor (72 million US dollars), according to insurance group Laensfoersaekringar.

In Denmark, some 16,500 homes were still without power on Monday, including 12,500 in the Copenhagen region, while damage in the entire country was estimated at one billion Danish kronor (176million US dollars).

A winter storm lashed Denmark Saturday with 100-mile-per-hour gusts and steady winds of up to 75-miles-per-hour hitting the northwest coast of Jutland. The storm caused four deaths and knocked out electric power to 100,000 homes.

Train, bus and air service was halted, bridges were closed and police asked everyone to stay indoors for their own safety because of flying debris.

Posted by madchen at 03:25 PM | Comments (0)

Finally...things are back to normal.

Who needs creative writing when truth is stranger than fiction?

I began my journal back to Karlskrona on Friday afternoon. After a failed attempt to change my ticket to a later date, I had resigned myself to spending a couple of extra days in Karlskrona before classes started up again.

After an eye appointment (in which it was suggested that I might benefit from reading glasses!), I had lunch at Delhi Dhaba with former co-workers, where I got all caught up on office gossip (quite juicy). It will be interesting to see what happens over the next 6 months, as I would definitely consider going back after the program is over.

From lunch, I ran home to throw the remaining clothes into my backpack. I have to confess that packing for my return trip was quite a debacle. I wanted to take my backpack, tent, sleeping bag, and air mattress with me (to do some camping in the spring), along with a supply of personal items (like shampoo, conditioner, gallons on body lotion, etc.) And, of course, I needed to bring all of my summer clothes. I thought I would be able to pack everything into my two big suitcases (I had brought them both back from Sweden—the smaller one packed inside the bigger one), but it was not to be. I ended up using the backpack as a carry-on (in addition to my messenger bag), and was weighed down with nearly 100 pounds of luggage by the end of the saga.

Anyway, I made it to the airport for my 5:30 p.m. flight in time to meet my dad coming back from Japan. After 10 minutes of farewells, I wandered over to my gate, only to find out an hour later that SAS had accepted my offer to take the next flight (theirs was overbooked). In exchange for $600 in travel vouchers, I was moved to a British Airways flight later that evening. A good deal, I thought. Two other guys (Kim and Michael) had also been chosen to take the next flight.

And then the real adventure began.

First, we had to get our luggage back. We ended up waiting at the SAS counter (after having been escorted all the way from the gate back to the main entrance) for almost an hour before our luggage appeared, with long scratches and streaked with grease. We pulled everything over to the other end of the airport, where a customer service agent from British Airways informed us that their flight, leaving at 9:30 p.m. was overbooked and that we would have to be placed on stand-by. Rosalind also told us that last night's flight had been overbooked as well, and 30 passengers hadn't been stranded overnight in D.C.

After two hours of wrangling with British Airways and SAS, we were finally bumped up to "priority stand-by" and made it on to the flight—but not before we were required to do some luggage juggling. Apparently, British Airways has much stricter luggage weight standards than SAS. While our checked luggage was all under weight, all three of us were overweight on carry-on luggage (of which we were each allowed only one 15-pound piece). I managed to shove some items from my backpack into my suitcase, and then stuffed my messenger bag into the backpack. In the end, it weighed about 22 pounds, but I somehow managed to evade their scrutiny.

Kim stuffed his items into his suitcase, but Michael's suitcases were too packed to accept any more items, so we put his toiletries bag and a stack of books into my suitcase (British Airways had us traveling together, so we didn't have any trouble sharing baggage). Having finally gotten our checked bags through security, we thought our troubles were over. We passed through a security checkpoint, ran to the gate (we were running late after the stand-by and luggage scramble), and boarded the flight to London. (The original SAS flight was direct to Copenhagen, but the British Airways flight connected at Heathrow.)

The flight was uneventful. I sat next to Michael, a 24-year old computer science student who has been spending time at Cal-Tech and traveling around the US for the last couple months. He lives in Copenhagen and will finish his degree this summer. Kim, a 28-year old Danish Army Special Forces guy, sat a couple rows ahead of us. Kim was in Key West visiting friends after returning from a year stint in Iraq. He'll spend the next 8 months in Denmark doing high-readiness NATO exercises. Both guys were delightful and spoke excellent English—I would not have been happy to go through these trials alone.

In London, we passed through security with a minimum of fuss, only to find that our connection to Copenhagen had been cancelled. Once again, we found ourselves killing time in an airport (this time, for 5 hours). The next flight was late, and we were feeling rather grumpy by the time it finally took off.

I dozed for a bit (sitting between Michael and Kim) and awoke to the chipper British Airways captain announcing that there was a hurricane in Copenhagen. Because of the 100 mile/hour gusts of wind, the airport and all trains had been closed down. Unable to land in Copenhagen, we were diverted to Hamburg, Germany.

In one of the bumpiest rides ever (in which I seriously thought we were going to die, it was so turbulent), the 1-year old twin Indian girls in the row ahead of us screamed nonstop for the last 30 minutes of the flight. After the first 10 minutes of their crying, their yelling ceased to be recognizable as human and began to resemble the grunts and screams of animals. It was quite disturbing, especially in addition to the overwhelming nausea everyone felt at being buffeted in every direction by the wind.

When we finally landed (the passengers clapped for the pilot once we were on the ground), the wind was still strong enough that the plane rocked back and forth on the runway, even after we had stopped. The pilot conferred with the Hamburg Airport, and it was decided that we would be put up in a local hotel for the night.

An hour later, we had debarked from the plane, cleared customs, and were waiting for our baggage. Inevitably, none of our luggage had made the flight (despite the extra 5 hours we spent in Heathrow), and none of us had ANYTHING of value left in our carry-on bags because of the ridiculous weight restrictions. We checked with the British Airways people, who said that there was nothing they could do that night, but that we could file a claim in Copenhagen.

At this point, Kim decided to call his family (which lives just an hour from Hamburg on the Danish border) and spend the night with them. He'll have to go through Copenhagen to get to his final destination, so I guess he'll try and pick up his luggage then. Michael and I joined the group going to the hotel, where we had a nice dinner and said goodnight.

The plan given to us at the reception desk was that the hotel would put a notice on our televisions (channel 1 was for hotel information) the next morning, providing us with information on transportation back to the hotel. I specifically asked, and was assured, that the earliest the notice would be available was 8 a.m., with a planned departure for the airport at 9 a.m.

With this plan in mind, I set a wake-up call for 7:15 a.m. (or so I thought). The wake-up call directions were all in German, so I followed along as best I could. Sleeping badly, I awoke at 6:15 a.m. to my phone ringing. The message was in German, and I figured that I had set the alarm incorrectly. Just to be sure, I checked the TV—no information. I re-set the alarm (using the TV this time, with directions in English) for 7:30. I figured that with no toothbrush, no hair brush, no clean clothes, no ANYTHING, it wouldn't take me long to get ready.

Once the alarm went off again, I was in no rush to get ready. I turned the TV on, so that I would be able to see the instructions once they were posted. After reading for a while, at 8 a.m. I called down to reception to see if they had any information. I was informed, in pleasantly-accented English, that the bus to the airport had left at 7 a.m.

Puzzled, and a little irritated, I confirmed that the hotel could provide me with a shuttle to the airport at my convenience. I hopped in the shower (glad that they provided a soap/shampoo combination), thinking that they would probably put me on the next available flight to Copenhagen—but who knew when that might be. Hamburg is not exactly a hub airport.

I got out of the shower and dashed to answer the ringing phone. I was told that British Airways had called to check on my absence. If I could be at the airport in 10 minutes, I could catch the plane with my fellow passengers. Still damp (and with hair uncombed—remember, no hair brush—and streaming water), I threw on yesterday's clothes and grabbed my bags. The hotel had a shuttle waiting for me, and we flew to the airport, where I ran to check in and get through security.

Michael was waiting for me at the gate, and breathed a huge sigh of relief to see that I had made the flight. The ride itself was uneventful, and by 10 a.m. we had landed in Copenhagen. Unfortunately, our bags were still missing, so we filed claims for them.

Before parting, Michael gave me his address and email, so that I can send back his stuff once my luggage is identified and delivered to Karlskrona. (I confess that not having to drag 100 pounds of luggage home is a welcome thought.) Then I went to the train station for the last leg of my journey home.

Or so I thought.

When I tried to buy a ticket to Karlskrona (usually a 3.5 hour journey where I have to change trains twice), I was informed that trains were only running between Copenhagen and Malmö (the city just over the bridge from Copenhagen)—all other trains in Sweden had been cancelled because of the hurricane. At the present time, trains were cancelled for the rest of the day, although they might resume at any moment (or not until tomorrow or later).

After some quick thinking, I decided that my best plan of action was to get to Malmö and try to catch a bus the rest of the way home. So I purchased a ticket and got on the next train. A half-hour later, I was in Malmö, which was a teaming hoard of humanity, where everyone in Sweden seemed to be waiting for the trains to resume.

Despite help from the Tourist Bureau and the train depot, I was unable to find alternative transportation to Karlskrona. Rather than wait at the train station (I was nearly falling asleep on my feet), I decided to give in and get a hotel. A short taxi ride found me at Ibis Hotel in southern Malmö, where—for the low, low price of 99 SEK (about $15)—I have a hotel room.

Amazingly, the room was wonderful. It looked like a Motel 6 (strangely enough, it is owned by the same hotel chain) with an ugly comforter and bizarre pictures on the walls. I slept for a glorious 10 hours, then enjoyed some American TV with Swedish subtitles.

The next morning, I made my way back to the train station, where I purchased a ticket to Karlskrona. I was told that I could take a train to Hässleholm, where I would then need to switch to a bus for the rest of the way. So far, so good.

In Hässleholm I dutifully exited the train and waited with a group of people (none of whom seemed to speak English) as other passengers got on other busses. I somehow managed to get on the right bus, which took us as far as Kristianstad, where we were again deposited. There was some confusion about the next step, but thankfully a professor at BTH noticed my confused look and took me under her wing. After waiting for two hours, we finally caught a train from Kristianstad to Ronneby, where we then boarded another bus to Karlskrona. Once in Karlskrona, there were no taxis to be found, so I just took the bus back home.

Jess had arrived earlier in the afternoon (it was about 7 p.m. by the time I got home), and Roya made it several hours later. Thankfully, one of my suitcases was delivered that night around 10 p.m., so I was able to comb my wet hair before going to sleep.

This morning, I woke up at 6:30 a.m. and spent a lovely two hours having tea and reading the Bible. Well, the reading the Bible part wasn't so lovely—I'm still in the part where God turns over the Jews to slavery, then when they repent, he leads them on a rampage where they slaughter all their enemies. Along the way, they sacrifice their daughters to God as burnt offerings, stone entire families for collecting firewood on the Sabbath, and buy and sell slaves according to God's prices. Really, it was the tea and the glorious feeling on watching the sun rise that made it a nice morning.

At any rate, around 8 a.m. I got on my bike and set off to do some errands. I mailed Michael's stuff back to him (it cost me nearly $50!!), did some grocery shopping, stopped by the ATM for rent money, discovered that Karlskronahem no longer accepts cash for rent, noticed that I didn't have enough cash to pay for rent AND the surcharge required for paying at the post office, bought some new flowers to replace the ones that died over the holiday (herbicide-by-over-watering was the culprit), and came back home.

I didn't realize how much I enjoyed Karlskrona. The small-town feel of the city center early in the morning is so peaceful, and the weather (for once) was beautiful. The sun still hovers a foot above the horizon, so it feels like early morning until noon, when it slowly starts to sink again. I hope we get some more days like this—I don't think I can take another couple months of gray and rainy days.

I was surprised to see how much damage the hurricane caused here. I suppose I thought they were exaggerating a little, not being used to high winds. But the bike paths are a mess, with tree branches all over the place, and terracotta roof tiles smashed all over the roads. I didn't really see any repair crews out this morning, but maybe they are working on different areas of the town.

I got back to the apartment around noon, and was just finishing a breakfast/lunch of granola and yogurt when my other suitcase was delivered. Hurray! This suitcase contained the VERY important power cord to my computer, and I am recharging even now.

Other plans for the day include getting hooked up to Skype, checking email, finishing unpacking, and finishing my paper. With any luck, I'll be all set to go by tonight, and will have a full day to play around before classes start again on Thursday.

Posted by madchen at 01:25 PM | Comments (0)

January 10, 2005

Back Home

I'm here--after a cancelled flight, an unexpected diversion to Hamburg, missing luggage, a hurricane in Copenhagen, a night in Malmo, and a train/bus/train/bus/bus combination from Malmo to Karlskrona. My luggage (carrying all my worldly possessions) is still missing, and my computer--sans power cord--is about to die. Welcome to Sweden.

Posted by madchen at 07:26 PM | Comments (0)

January 06, 2005

Second Thoughts

Ahh, how powerful the urge to self-censor! I spent a total of 30 minutes writing the previous post (Creative Writing Effort #1) and another 15 minutes tranferring it from my notebook to the computer. Since it was the middle of the night, I drifted off to bed soon after, waking up in the middle of the night with the overwhelming urge to go back and delete the entry. I'm not sure why, I guess I thought it was of poor quality, not that interesting, and a little too self-revealing. Mostly, I thought that people wouldn't like it.

It turns out that the warmth of two cats purring on my bed is a powerful antidote to self-censorship. Perhaps it was that Natasha and Madchen--not the daintiest of cats--had my legs pinned down, but I ultimately decided to go back to sleep and deal with it in the morning. Luckily, I had several delightful responses to the post the next morning, which made me more comfortable with the idea of keeping it up there. In fact, now that I know people won't write in nasty things about my writing quality (oh the blessing of having friends and family the main readers!), I think I shall try and do more creative writing in the future. I already wrote a short one this morning.

---

Ends in “he was gone”. (150 words or less)

If she thinks of him occasionally—this man she briefly believed was "the one"—it doesn't bother her now. When she comes home at night, removing her coat and greeting the cat, she doesn't dwell on the nights spent discussing their future, sitting on the couch with her feet propped against him. She no longer waits to hear his voice on the answering machine, fearing and hoping he will call again. She cooks with abandon, not needing to avoid the onions he disliked. But if she remembers with startling clarity the lazy Sunday they spent in the park, wandering the gravel paths and lying under a tree with her head resting gently on his stomach, she doesn't blame herself. These flashbacks are all part of the aftermath, just like the bruises that lingered on her body for days after he was gone.

Posted by madchen at 01:27 PM | Comments (0)

Creative Writing

There once was a girl who was too ______ to be ______. (750-1000 words)

There once was a girl who was too smart to be happy.

Overly ambitious and hating the dreary mist of the Pacific Northwest, for she didn’t discover until later that there are two types of people: East Coast People and West Coast People—and she was definitely an East Coast Person (who secretly wanted to be a mysterious International Person), she sped through college in two years. Switching from pre-med to political science halfway through, she ended up with a background in science and the humanities. Unfortunately, a degree in political science—no matter how brilliant the recipient—is about as useful as a degree in English literature, which is to say not very useful at all. Another rushed university experience got her a graduate degree in political science and taught her that there are two other kinds of people: Country People and City People, and she was definitely not a Country Person, although she suspected she might be a Vacation Home In The Country Person with a little good fortune.

A year spent working for the U.S. Senate—an inevitable choice, considering graduates in political science either work for the government or for minimum-wage retail establishments—as a glorified desk-filler and occasional photocopier led to another job in finance. She capitalized on her research skills and her ability to convince people that what she wanted was, in fact, what they wanted, to smooth the transition into this new field.

Things went well for a couple of years. She had a wide circle of friends, was financially independent, and managed to have satisfying—if not excellent—sex on a regular basis. She read voraciously, shopped frequently, dined out with alarming disregard for her budget, and even managed to support her favorite charities. Of course, there were frustrations—trifles really—the utter lack of a serious boyfriend at a time when all her friends were pairing off, a nagging feeling that her mother was disappointed daily by her deficiency of Christian faith, a suspicion that she was letting her youth slip by without taking full advantage of the frivolities allowed to twenty-somethings. Despite these minor setbacks, however, it was her job that made her crazy.

She decided that the worst job was the one that had potential to be fulfilling and yet consistently fell short. Later, when she had moved to Sweden to pursue another graduate degree primarily as a way to leave her job with dignity, she came to understand that this “fulfillment gap” was the central issue with all of her problems. It was when a situation failed to meet her expectations that she was the most angry, the most despondent. When things were inherently weak, clumsy, and stupid, she could accept the situation and move forward. It was when things had potential—failed potential—that she went crazy. She observed that there are two kinds of people: those who can accept failed potential and adjust their expectations to a lower standard in a way that allows them to move on with their lives in a productive way and those that make it their personal mission to reallocate resources, play devil’s advocate, confront authority, alienate colleagues, and stymie personal advancement all for the sake of realizing a situation’s unrealized—or, more likely, failed—potential.

So now the girl, fraught with self-loathing at falling into the second category because she realizes that these people rarely achieve the change they long to see, and in fact usually end up morose, sullen, and persona non grata, faces a conundrum. How can she lower her expectations of the world so that every job, every relationship, every pursuit, is not a disappointment? How does she lower her standards without compromising her integrity?

Her friends helpfully point out that she can’t fight every battle. Her mother wonders aloud if it isn’t peculiar the way the girl is never satisfied with the performance of her superiors? Might this problem, it is delicately asked, be hubris?

Perhaps, she concedes. And yet…should she not expect people to be as smart as she is? Should people be allowed to exercise incompetence—particularly in positions of authority? Should people be relieved of the burden of accountability? How shall she navigate a world where her clear superiority, while recognized in many cases—although often characterized as youthful arrogance, is used against her? Why should she have to pay dues to a system that is limping along when changes could so easily be made?

The girl acknowledges that this clear superiority may, in fact, have tinges of youthful arrogance. At the same time, she insists, genius often goes unrecognized at the time of its greatest brilliance. After surveying history, she decides that her best shot is to aim for glory after death. This prospect, she admits, does not make a smart girl happy. But then, manic dissatisfaction appears to be a hallmark of great minds.

Posted by madchen at 03:28 AM | Comments (0)

January 05, 2005

Reflections on 2004

Here are some notes I wrote up last week, reflecting on the past 5 months in Sweden.  Obviously, I'm disappointed with a lot of things in the recent months, and I've tried to analyze how to make the best out of the second half of the program.

Why did I go to Sweden?

1. To live abroad for a year.


2. To learn about sustainability.


3. To be able to quit my job with dignity.

What did I expect?

1. An objective, rigorous, academic program in which I learned about sustainability tools and strategies.


2. To be immersed in Swedish culture and to learn the language.


3. To be able to shape the program into something stronger that met my needs.


4. To meet lots of international students.
5. To receive prompt and thoughtful feedback on my work.


6. To have clear expectations provided and adhered to.


7. To have regular, collegial, friendly interaction with a wide variety of instructors.


8. To have equal emphasis placed on environmental and social sustainability.
9. To have equal emphasis placed on sustainability and sustainable development.


10. To have grading done by either a) recognized experts or b) unbiased judges.

I did not expect:

1. To feel so cut off from the program leaders.


2. To feel pressured into accepting the TNS Framework (or "backcasting from principles") to the exclusion of all other models.


3. To have so much group work.


4. To find the school so completely disorganized (both BTH and the program).
5. To meet so many fantastic students in the program.


6. To enjoy the nature of Sweden in so many new ways (like kayaking).


7. To spend so much time in class.


8. To have so little guidance/reading/objective discussion.

What can I expect from the next 6 months?

1. More flexibility with my time.


2. Better weather.
3. More travel.


4. Financial stress.


5. Closer relationship to GRI.


6. Different relationship with fellow students.


7. Continuing frustration with my thesis and the program in general.

So, what's the message?  First, my 2005 resolutions:

1. I will spend 15 minutes outside every day.  I realize this sounds weird, but there are actually days when I spend virtually no time outside (except for walking to my car, waiting for the bus, etc.).  Creepy.  I hope to achieve--and exceed--this goal by doing more biking when the weather warms up, but the next couple months are going to be tough. 
2. Each month I will carefully review my budget and make adjustments accordingly.  The budget is a constant challenge.  This next year is going to be particularly difficult, since I planned poorly for moving to Sweden, and spent the vast majority of my allotted $ for Sweden in the past 5 months.  And since I don't know what I'll be doing in June (will I travel all summer?  will I have a job??) it's hard to anticipate how to allocate my savings.  I know that I will want to do a lot of travel before June, so I think that will be my major expenditure.


3. I will update my journal regularly, and make a special effort to write about things other than my daily routine.  The "journal" issue is something I've been struggling with for the last month or so.  I wish I could be more thoughtful about my writing, but there are a couple of things holding me back. 

• First, a public journal (which my parents, friends, and classmates can read) is a little intimidating--I know I am self-censoring at some level.  In my previous private journals, there is discussion at a more intimate level.  I would like to be this honest in my blog, but I worry that I will offend people--particularly my parents.  If I decide to be completely honest (which I think would be more rewarding in the long run), I have to deal with the potential disgust from readers.


• Second, there is an inherent tension between recording my daily activities (which I *do* find important) and delving into deeper issues.  I just don't have a commitment to writing for hours and hours each day, and I'm not sure how to make the most out of my writing time.


• Third, there are issues that I need to address, but that I just don't want to deal with.  I'm even reluctant to mention them here, because committing them to paper (or computer memory) indicates that I realize they are important and have some responsibility to address.  Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

And now, for the final AND MOST IMPORTANT resolution:

I will make a point of refraining from useless criticizing--particularly when it leads to venting and gossip--by any needs necessary.  I have realized that I have ultimate control over my life.  I don't need to be in this program.  I don't need to be in Sweden.  I don't need to be writing a thesis using a framework I don't believe is relevant.  I *choose* to do all these things.  As such, I will make the most of 2005.  I will undertake stupid assignments with good humor.  I will participate in the program to the extent that I can be constructive.  After that, I will remove myself and pursue activities (travel, research, volunteer work) that I truly enjoy.

The thinking behind this resolution is as follows: I have abandoned the belief that this program can be improved to the point I would find it valuable and relevant.  Therefore, I relieve myself of the burden (self-imposed, of course) of trying to be a change-agent--a role I take on all too often.

And that, my dears, is my first thoughtful entry of 2005.

Posted by madchen at 11:32 PM | Comments (0)

Neglected

I have been very bad lately, and haven't updated my journal.  I guess I've been too busy catching up on American TV.  Here's an update:

• I did NOT contact old boyfriend, as I just couldn't muster the energy for any drama.  Besides, am I *really* planning on re-reading Beowulf in the next six months anyway?  (Side comment: do I really think *he* read it either?  Short answer: no.)


•  I was unable to change my flight to a later date (stupid sale fare), so I will be going back to Sweden on Friday evening.  Trish was unexpectedly assigned to London next week, so we have to cancel our Copenhagen plans.  I am still undecided on whether to give up and go straight to Karlskrona, or if I should spend a couple solo days in Copenhagen before going back to my bleak apartment.
• I spent New Years in New York City with KT.  It was a low-key weekend, but very fun.  I love Amtrak--so much nicer than Sweden's train system.

Otherwise, it has been a haphazard week.  I have sporadically seen friends, including:

• Seeing A Very Long Engagement with Elizabeth.
• Coffee with Lily and Amy (twice).


• Lunch at Raku with Sara.

And tonight I will meet Amy for dinner and a movie.  After that I plan to do some mad packing and laundry.  And perhaps I will even find time to squeeze in another review of my paper on the Global Reporting Initiative.  This afternoon, I managed to go through and provide references for all the facts, but there is still the little matter of plagarism.  Mostly, I just need to go through and make sure that it's all in my own words--which are brilliant, of course.

Posted by madchen at 03:51 PM | Comments (0)