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November 30, 2004
Deep Thoughts and Irritation
First, let me start with the irritation: why does laundry have to be SO difficult? I am not living in a developing country--in fact, Sweden ranks among the best countries for quality of life. Does this mean that the expectation that washers and drying rooms should be working during the brief time that you are allotted laundry facilities is unreasonable? That "working laundry facilities" are not good indicators of quality of life?
I think not.
In fact, having to condense three people's laundry into a space of 7 hours every two weeks is in itself absurd. I am running a chronic laundry deficit, and Roya regularly spends several hours a week doing "hand washing" in our bathroom to make up for the lack of time in the common laundry room. Jess has resorted to illegally using the laundry room a couple buildings over, usually in the middle of the night, because it has no sign-up requirement.
So this afternoon when I arrived promptly downstairs at 2 p.m., carrying my suitcase packed full of dirty clothes, I was frustrated to find that both washers (we only have two washers, one dryer, and one drying "room") were refusing to go through the spin cycle--requiring me to wring out each piece of sopping clothing by hand. Then, because too-wet clothes NEVER dry in the dryer, I had to hang them all in the drying room, which is supposed to blow warm air out of holes in the bars over which you hang the laundry. Because it just felt like "that kind of day", I wasn't really surprised to discover that the drying room wasn't blowing out any air at all. So I just hung my clothes over the bars and proceeded to watch them stream water until it looked like a river was passing through the laundry room.
Fast forward to 7 hours later (thankfully, I am the only one doing laundry today--after I passed on the bad news to Roya and Jess, they declined to join me in the debacle) and I'm still mopping up the water on the floor, and there are rows of clothes too wet to even be called "damp".
And now, on to my deep thoughts...
I'm feeling like I shouldn't keep writing in this journal, for two main reasons:
1. I don't have very interesting things to say. Most of these entries are just rote recitations of my day--when I got up, what classes I went to (or skipped), and why the laundry facilities are equivalent to those in Bangladesh. Am I really contributing anything here?
2. I feel like I'm censoring myself. While I'm perfectly capable of being cynical and bitchy online, I feel self-conscious about being "thoughtful". Mostly because "thoughtful" isn't my style--or at least not my public style. I feel silly and pretentious when I talk about bigger issues, even though most of it is muddled and confused ramblings about the "good life". Maybe I would be better at exploring these topics offline. But since I just don't have the energy or the time to maintain a public blog and a private journal, I can only pursue one of these.
So, that's where I am right now. I had lots of good discussions with classmates this week about where I want to go in life. I'm still mulling over these things, and I'm not sure what to write about them. In short:
1. I'm not sure I want to pursue the Foreign Service any more. While I would certainly join if I was called up, I can't really face the thought of going through the written and oral exams again, just to try and improve my score. And given that my scores were on the low end of "eligible", I don't expect I will get called up without some serious language points--which I have neither the time nor the inclination to pursue.
2. I'm feeling very disconnected from my classes and the program leaders. While I am enthusiastic about my small group projects (and the upcoming thesis work), I am NOT motivated to go to class. Moreover, I'm feeling estranged from the program leaders. While I have serious concerns about the way the program is being run, I think that the leaders view me too much as a "discontent" to have constructive conversations with. Not that they have time to discuss my concerns, mind you, but I definitely felt a brush-off during my attempts during the field trip to discuss potential projects.
3. I'm feeling VERY up-in-the-air about what I want to do immediately after graduation (assuming I make it to graduation--ha, ha). I know it's kind of soon to be stressing about this, but it's difficult to move "strategically towards a vision of success" when I don't know what "success" looks like.
And with that, I will go fetch the last of my laundry, to continue drip-drying in the bathroom.
