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October 18, 2004
Woozy
I spent the morning in class, learning about Industrial Ecology, which as far as I can tell means corporate environmental management. I had a hard time concentrating--I think it was a combination of the less-than-thrilling topic, the dark gray sky (with more rain), and my overall lack of sleep. I found myself doodling in my notebook, and managed to figure out that with 10% annual compounded interest, my initial $30,000 investment will be worth $201,827 in 20 years. If that's not a reason to save, I don't know what is.
After lunch, I had a lovely lunch of pasta from the parking lot pasta stand and met with my small group to discuss our project. After a painfully long discussion, we agreed to split into two groups--one focusing on sustainability in hospital systems and one focusing on community-based investing. I, of course, am in the investing group, which will meet tomorrow morning to strategize over next steps.
I went downtown to do a little shopping this afternoon, having put it off for too long. I ended up at Wayne's Coffee, a relaxing little cafe with a delightful hazelnut soy latte (it's no Starbucks, but acceptable nonetheless). I spaced out for an hour or so, just watching people walk around outside. I had a brief moment of confusion and nausea concerning the bus system. It was like that scene in The Thomas Crowne Affair where Thomas Crowne and a bunch of look-alikes all swarm the Metropolitan Museum of Art, confounding the police who are trying to catch him putting back the stolen painting. But for me, it was the buses that were swarming all over the intersection outside of Wayne's Coffee--it was like they were systematically trying to overwhelm the senses.
Anyway, I sat at the coffee house for a good while, feeling totally weird--almost like I'd been drugged. In fact, when I got up to use the bathroom, I almost couldn't find my way to the other side of the cafe. This feeling lasted well into my bus ride home, and only now am I beginning to feel like myself again. I wonder if I ate something strange, since I certainly wasn't around any drugs. It was quite unpleasant, really.
So, while I was feeling "out there", I thought about what La said a few weeks ago about wanting to be "a person who..." Since I'm having trouble coming up with a "vision of success" for my own life, I thought it might be helpful to come up with a different kind of list, similar to La's. Here's what I wrote:
* I want to be a person who gets up really early in the morning, someone who has a leisurely morning of tea and the newspaper before work. I want to pad around in slippers and a robe, without rushing into the shower.
* I want to be a "regular" at a local restaurant/cafe--and not just a regular customer, but someone who has a specific spot, somplace I can sit and watch the people on the street.
* I want a garden where I grow tomatoes, green beans, and squash. I want a raspberry bush and a peach tree. I want to compost my kitchen scrapw and make my own dirt. I want a full complement of herbs that overwhelm my senses on hot summer days.
* I want a tiny, perfect apartment where my cats and I have lots of windows and light. I want this apartment to be near to a downtown area, but quiet at night and safe enough to open my windows.
* I want a bank account that grows every year. I want a savings plan that allows me to meet my basic needs, splurge on occasion, and know that I have a safety net in case of emergency.
* I want to work in a non-traditional job--either setting my own hours, working part-time, or working remotely.
* I want to eat a vegan diet, choosing organic food whenever possible. I want to be conscious about the food I choose to eat. I want eating out to be a "special occasion".
* I want to be a person who volunteers, but does not take a leadership role. I want to find a place I believe in, where I don't try to change things but am content to just "do my part."
While I was sitting there thinking, I felt a huge wave of homesickness. I realized that I'm here in Sweden, not really moving towards any of these things. I'm just not feeling fulfilled by this program. For all it's potential, it's not matching up with my abilities and desires to learn about sustainability. I feel like I'm being sold a bill of goods, and that I can't speak up because that would be unloyal to the idea of "sustainability." It's doubly frustrating, because I think I might be the only person feeling this way--everyone else seems to be thoroughly thrilled with the way things are going.
Strangely enough, the way my homesickness manifests itself is through missing my 2 cats. I am nearly on the verge of tears, feeling like I abandoned them (to my parents, to my parents' cat, to my ferociously enthusiastic niece) for this pathetic program. Well, not pathetic--just utterly wrong for me. What on earth am I doing here?
OK, enough of that--I'm going to chalk is up to post-wooziness and trust that I will be more optimistic in the morning.
I made it home on the bus and found that a package from Amy had arrived. She is such a sweetie, I had been complaining that my walls were bare enough to pass for a mental ward. So she sent a package full of interesting postcards, political cartoons, and even a set of cocktail napkins with the caption "A healthy diet? No alcohol? It's that kind of thinking that's ruining this country." Which is true.
So now, I think I'm going to read an article on sustainable product development and the related chapter in our coursebook. Or perhaps I'll do a little research on community-based investing in preparation for my meeting tomorrow morning. Or maybe I'll take a little nap and see if my disposition improves at all.
